CapnAndys RAW Recap

RAW is almost certainly going to be better than last week, because man, how could it be worse?

We open with a nice long video package recapping last week’s terrible, terrible show.
Next is Jericho in the actual concessions area, mocking Cena’s whole “Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect are NOT JUST WORDS!!!” thing from last week by pointing out that they are literally a t-shirt slogan and meaningless. Also he’s totally surrounded by security guys to keep the fans away from him as he walks through the crowd and towards the ring. Just like Cena didn’t, get it? GET IT? A fan manages to touch him and Jericho ably ad-libs, threatening to get the fan kicked out. So that part, at least, was neat. In the ring now, Jericho continues to hate on the fans about how he doesn’t want them to support him. Jericho then goes on to say that his son is a Cena fan, because he started watching RAW while Jericho was retired. I’m sure that’s true and it’s also really fucking funny. Jericho says that he banned his son from watching RAW, so we’re back into kayfabe territory now. But Jericho’s going to lift the ban, starting at Armageddon, so his son can watch Cena get beat by his dad and see all the sad fans. Dude, fake Jericho is a pretty awesome dad. Promo’s over and we go to the opening sequence. I don’t like how they started doing cold open segments before that, it’s weird. But on the other hand, I get to do this!

WHOA-OH-OH-OHHHHHHH NEVER GONNA GIVE IT UP I JUST WANNA BE WANNA BE LOOOOOOOOOOOOVED!!!!!

That was fun. Okay, it’s time for another round of the IC tournament.
BOOYAKA BOOYAKA!!!! Rey enters. He’s got a giveaway hood, but rips it off and stares in confusion, as well he might becase Mike Knox is just standing on the ramp staring at him. Kaaaaaay. Rey charges him and attacks (and slips off the ramp), Knox stomps him down. We go to commercials. Time to SHOCKING SWERVE: 15 minutes.

Backstage, Todd talking to Steph. Rey has just injured himself again. The slip looked really nasty, it may be for realsies. Layla to Steph: Kick Rey out of the tournament. Steph: ‘kay. Miz wins!
GUITAR THRASH!!! CM Punk enters for some tag team action. Hey, he shaved!
SOS!!! Kofi enters. Punk/Kofi should have a name.
PRICELESS! Cody and Manu enter. I guess Ted has gone back to his home planet or something.
MATCH TIME! Punk/Kofi v. Priceless. Early back and forth, Kofi sends Manu out of the ring and then hits a spiffy move on him from the ropes, commercials.

We’re back and Punk’s in control against Cody, which lasts for like ten seconds, and then Priceless is in control. They tease a hot tag to Kofi, but Cody keeps hold of Punk’s leg and he’s trying to hop over. It’s a neat spot. Priceless retains control and gets some 2 counts, and then they do the spot where Punk’s trying to tag but Cody has his leg. This time Punk gives Cody a knee to the face and gets the tag. Kofi goes apeshit on Cody, including jumping like ten feet in the air just to come down and hit a clothesline, hits a Trouble in Paradise, covers… and Manu breaks it up at 2. Punk comes in, bulldogs Manu, Kofi hits this awesome spinny kick thing on Cody, covers, and that’s good for 3. Punk/Kofi wins! Commercials! Wait, I’m not excited for that. Commercials. That’s better.

DX show up in a video package to shill merch. Specifically, the Elmination Chamber playset. Triple H is having way too much fun with this, using his big scary voice for it and everything. Then Shawn flips shit about how it’s got 40 pieces and he’s going to be up all Christmas Eve putting the fucking thing together and he never gets any sleep!!! That was a funny ad.
Backstage, Randy and Priceless face off. Randy’s all “let’s be a stable now” and tells ‘em to think about it, he’ll be in the locker room. Pull the fucking trigger already!
Also backstage, Jericho heads into the Designated Abandoned Boiler Room Area to talk to Kane. He pretty much tells Kane that everyone’s calling him a girl and thinks Cena is cooler than him. It’s hilariously grade-school, but sadly Kane sees through it. Too bad. Kane would make an awesome comedy monster heel. “Hey Kane, Vince said he’s scarier than you!” “HE SAID WHAT RAAAAAARGH” …just me? Fine then. Commercials for you!

Video package of last week’s terrible Shane/Steph promo. It was awkward as fuck. Maybe that’s what they were going for? It was like watching some other family’s drunken arguments because you stumbled into the wrong house and man, my metaphors are just going nowhere good this week.
Jillian is caterwauling in the ring. So she’s wrestling.
RED CARPET! Melina enters. Squash Jillian, Melina, that’s a doll.
SANTINO MUSIC!!! Glamarella enters. They head to the announcer’s table. Any match with Santino commentary gets an automatic +3 stars.
MATCH TIME! I’m gonna ignore the ladies and recap Santino because I like him the best. Santino talks up his rap song from a few weeks ago and says he’s gonna win a Slammy for that. Beth says she’s gonna win Best Diva. Santino says he’s gonna win Champion of the Year and Best Match of the Year and Another Best Match of the Year. Beth puts in that they’re also gonna win Best Couple. THEY WILL WIN ALL SLAMMIES! Incidentally, Beth has a very sweet voice. I can see why they usually have her stand there and look menacing while Santino talks; she sounds like a nice girl next door. Okay, Melina wins, and Santino’s all WHAAAAAATEVER. Melina threatens Beth. Santino responds by mocking Melina’s entrance and then says he’s going to do her splits entrance. He hikes up his jeans, puts one leg on the ring… and can’t get the other one to work. He tries the other leg… and gets the splits!!! For half a second, then he falls off the ring, grabs his crotch, and starts shaking his legs and screaming that AHHHHHH!!! SOMETHING’S WRONG!!! Beth is very worried and tends to her man. Melina demonstrates how to do the splits properly, and then holds them for the rest of this segment, which is actually very impressive. Santino and Beth retreat slowly backstage, with Santino screaming at Melina that he hates her. Melina splits and smirks. Commercials.

We’re back and Santino is icing down his groin. He gets a nice relaxing back massage… from Golddust. HA! Santino is the best thing on RAW and deserves all the belts. ALL OF THEM. AT ONCE.
Jillian announces that the following contest is a street fight. Let’s see where this goes.
Bells ring, cows moo, and John “Mystery Offer” Layfield enters. JBL says he hasn’t heard back from Michaels about his offer from last week, so he made another offer: a street fight. So Shawn, what’s your answer?
OOOH OOOH SHAWN!!! That’s the answer, then.
Ref goes to ring the bell, but JBL stops him. Shawn has a choice to make… fight JBL in the street fight or do the right thing for his family. JBL says his wife saw the stock market crash coming. He hoarded cash and bought gold. Yeah, I just checked, and gold has lost like $200/oz since August and it ain’t like the dollar’s been doing that well either, so smooth fucking move there, Fox News boy. JBL says that Shawn’s been all but bankrupted by the stock market shitting itself (down another 680 points today! It’s like a ride! Woooooo!), so JBL is offering Shawn a job. JBL shoots on has-beens in high school gyms bragging about selling out arenas while hawking their 8×10s (I’m considering that a slam on Mick Foley even if it wasn’t intended as one) and goes on to make the point that Shawn is getting up in years and his health ain’t that great. JBL, by the way, is proving why he’s such a good heel when he doesn’t actually have to wrestle. It’s an excellent promo. So that’s Shawn’s choice… continue on getting the empty cheers of the fans or do what’s right for his family. Shawn hesitates and JBL gets up in Shawn’s face screaming about how all the fans want a superkick, and Shawn wants one, so here we go, free shot… do it, Shawn! Do it! The fans are chanting your name, Shawn! Do it, Shawn. But understand that if you take this shot, the offer is off the table forever. Shawn stares at JBL, torn. JBL holds his face out for a kick, grinning like a smug fucking snake. Shawn turns around and walks out of the ring. The fans boo! Shawn walks up the ramp, head down, getting booed the whole way. JBL taunts him that he’s looking forward to doing business with him, and Shawn momentarily stops. When he stops, the boos turn to cheers… and then Shawn starts walking again and gets booed off the stage. Holy shit, that was an absolutely classic promo. Commercials.

Y-Y-Y-Y-YYEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Batista enters.
Music I don’t know! Dolph Ziggler enters! HOLY SHIT DOLPH ZIGGLER ENTERS! Way to get in there and fucking wrestle, Nicky! His music’s pretty good, too.
Dolph takes the mic and Lawler cracks that Lillian’s already introduced him. Dolph: “Allow me to introduce myself.” Lawler: “Urgh.” HA! Dolph introduces himself to the fans and gets a YOU SUCK chant. He hands the mic back.
MATCH TIME! Batista v. Dolph Ziggler. Dolph offers a handshake, introduces himself again, then slaps Batista. Holy shit, Dolph is crazy. Dolph keeps running in and out of the ring to avoid Batista, yelling I’M DOLPH ZIGGLER the whole time. You go, Crazy Dolph! Batista is in the process of leaving the ring when Dolph jumps up onto ringside and then kicks Batista in the face. Hey, nice move! Batista gets some offense in, they head back into the ring… and Dolph takes control! Momentary ZIGGLER chant. Batista goes for the spear… Ziggler dodges! Batista goes for the powerbomb… Ziggler breaks it! And yells I’M! DOLPH! ZIGGLER! Ziggler off the top rope is caught by Batista. Spinebuster! Batista Bomb! 1! 2! 3! Well! That was a very interesting debut. You’re no Evan, Dolph, but let’s see where this gimmick takes you.
I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD!!! Today’s message from the voices: M&Ms didn’t used to be blue.
Orton interrupts Batista’s celebration to threaten him. Batista’s response is that they’re gonna have a match at Armageddon. Cool. Commercials!

Backstage, Jericho is now trying to enlist Orton for some teaming-up-on-Cena help. Man, Jericho, you sorta suck at this Machiavellian shit. Orton agrees with me. Jericho gets some barbs in about Cena overshadowing Orton’s return and leaves.
NOW LISTEN!!! John Morrison slows down time so that I can tell you this is an IC tournament match.
IRISH JIG!!! Finlay enters, accompanied by Hornswoggle.
MATCH TIME! Morrison v. Finlay. It’s a squash match. I mean, it takes as long as a short regular match, but Finlay barely gets any offense in and there was no way Finlay was winning this. Morrison wins. Commercials.

Extended trailer for Kennedy’s movie. It looks like shit. Big shock.

Ummm… STEPH MUSIC! Steph’s out to talk up the Slammies. She does momentarily screw up her lines and then calls it “pulling an Adamle”, so it’s not all bad.
MIZ MUSIC!!! Miz comes out for the final match of the IC tournament first round. We’ll find out his opponent after the commercials.

We’re back. Aaaaaaaaannnd…..
BOOYAKA BOOYAKA!!!!! Rey’s out, but holding his arm motionless.
MATCH TIME! Miz v. Rey. Rey’s moving his arm, so he’s fine. Hooray! Rey flips Miz onto the middle rope out of nowhere! 619! Splash… which Miz rolls away from. Miz kicks the shit out of Rey for a while. Rey takes control and then it starts going back and forth. Cole says Rey is like a “sorceror” in the ring. Yes, really. Miz and Rey keep going back and forth trading off roll-up pins for 2 and flippy slams. Rey ends up pinning Miz. That was a really hard match to recap, sorry. Commercials.

BRIMSTONE!!! Kane enters. It’s 10:58. This should be interesting.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAPADOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Cena enters. He gets some boos, which is funny to me.
MATCH TIME! Kane v. Cena. Some back-and-forth resolves with Kane in control. Duelling LET’S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS chants. As always, there’s about two octaves difference between the respective chanters. Like Survivor Series, this match has a huge amount of rest holds. Goddamn it, Cena, you were supposed to be out for like a year. If you needed another goddamn month to finish healing up, [i]you should have taken it[/i]. Kane continues his offense until he misses a top rope move. Cena locks in the STFU and looks like he’s gonna get another win out of nowhere, but Jericho comes running down the ramp so Cena breaks off and runs up to meet Jericho with a clothesline. Cena throws Jericho into both sides of the ramp and then heads back into the ring… right into a big boot from Kane. Kane preps the chokeslam. Cena breaks. Kane locks in the chokeslam again. Cena breaks. Cena picks up Kane for the FU. Okay, that’s impressive. Cena hits the FU! 1! 2! 3! ~*CENA WINZ*~
After the match, Cena chases down Jericho and throws him into the security barrier all over the place. Cody and Manu run in! Jericho, Cody, and Manu are all trying to beat Cena down, but he’s holding his own against them all. Because he is Cena. Orton runs in! Orton is much more awesome than Cena, so Cena’s aura of invincibility fizzles out and dies. Orton hits a nasty looking neckbreaker on Cena from off the top of the ramp. The four heels stomp the shit out of Cena. Jericho takes off his jacket and rolls up his sleeves to show he means business, then puts Cena in the Liontamer, taking special care to put his knee right on Cena’s neck. It looks pretty painful. Jericho, hilariously, is yelling ASK HIM!!! to thin air. Sheer force of habit, I guess. We go to black on Jericho just making the odds against Cena winning at Armageddon that much higher, and we all know that Cena is powered by odds, so really this was a stupid move.