(Original Airdate: To answer someone’s question, I’ve been coming around for quite some time now before I started the column. As a matter of fact I was the first fan sign. I enjoy my chats with Scots. Just the other day Scots and I had a conversation that lead to the topic of pillow talk. Pillow talk is the main reason I am not a lesbian….

” Excuse me let me make a comment
What should you say after sex if you’re already spent
After I’ve finished sex, she always wants to talk
Yet I am speechless I just want to take a walk”
-Angsty Andy

It is much more productive to “discuss” important issues BEFORE sex. Girls should learn that…men will do ANYTHING to get laid! I’m not crazy about those who require foreplay each time either. I like to have sex like a man, then take a nap, then repeat if necessary. The guys that date me have a tough job to do– it should be noted that I have a high sex drive and need to get off several times a day to avoid crankiness.

Speaking of crankiness do any of you know what it is like to have a period? Let me explain…. Remember the feeling you have after eating Thanksgiving dinner? When you want to pop and can’t eat anymore but still crave what is for desert? Couple that with having your balls and dick twisted together and tied in a knot, pulled out through your throat, and inserted back in you in any orifice you choose while being kicked in the stomach and stabbed in the back. Okay, so now that we have established that this is how Mystress is feeling today, it is safe to assume that today’s promised column will not be long. I promise to get back to you guys in a few days. You probably don’t want many responses from me today anyway because I might be inclined to be even more bitchy and sarcastic than usual. So here goes…

Andrew Wondered:
“Just a quick question for you, how come guys are really turned on by lesbians but girls have no interest in gays?”

Um Andrew…I really don’t know how to answer this one. Women are naturally jealous creatures. Perhaps we are jealous : Gay guys always get the other hot gay guys and maybe we just want them to be straight but have all the good qualities of being gay. Women want shopping partners who will cuddle endlessly for hours with us and let us cry on their shoulders.

I can say sexually that I’ve thought about it. The idea of it however just isn’t appealing to me mentally. Again, Andrew, you win…you’ve stumped me.

Love,
MyStReSs
@>—–

Jesse Jotted:
“Hey Mystress, I broke up with some girl a while ago because we just weren’t compatible. It was pretty bad because I ignored her for a week or two before I met up with her and broke it off. Anyway, I recently started hearing that she was telling people that she was the one that broke it off because I didn’t want to go down on her. Can you tell me what the girls she told think, and how I might be able to fix this?

Attack of the high school rumors! Okay, lets begin. This looks worse for her than for you, dear boy. You not wanting to go down on her possibly signifies her lack of hygiene so it is doubtful that she would have spread such a rumor. If she did however, or even if she didn’t and it spread around none the less, you need to do two things and two things quickly. The first is to talk to her. This is the most mature thing to do, ask her what she has said, and tell her the honest reason that the two of you are not together. Honesty heals things. The second is to get yourself a girlfriend that you are sexually compatible with. NO WAIT! Get yourself a book that shows you how to properly please a girl…read it through, then get the girlfriend. Girls talk as much as, if not more than men do. Ever watch the show Sex In The City? My girlfriends and I are every bit as brutal, point being you don’t need a bad rep. Good Luck and let me know what happens.

Love,
MyStReSs
@>—–

Shawn Explained:
“I had a girlfriend for almost two years and I was totally in love with her. We broke up about six months ago (not my choice) when she moved, and now she’s on her way back to finish college here. We stayed in touch, and are good friends. I met another girl while she was away, and we hooked up…quite a few times. I never really had feelings for this girl, but she’s fun to hang out with, and we’ve been friends for a year. Now, the other girl is back, and says she wants to be with me. I want to go back to Girl 1, but don’t want to hurt Girl 2. Is there any way that I can still remain friends with Girl 2 and not hurt her by re-starting my past relationship? I don’t want to hurt her, but don’t know how to do this without it. Any advice at all? Honesty? Change my name and move far away and start over?”

Dear Bob, just kidding…no need to change your name. If these girls know each other, and even worse are friends, it will be a rough ride for all parties involved. The best thing you can do is be honest with both of them. Tell them both EXACTLY how you feel, and how much each means to you.

I may go in depth about this one because I need to get some stuff happening as of late off my chest. If you are lucky you will love many times in your life. True loves come in and out of your life for a reason. I think only once you get an incredible electrical force with someone that cannot be denighed.

“Pillar of truth and a shroud of transparent smoke, you walked into my life. I closed my eyes and felt my pain, but you were only willing once and I missed that train long ago. Now a deep torment and longing in my belly-one that never existed with him-with anyone. No more falling through cracks trying to remember why I came. You are no longer a part of my life, but at least now I know what was so worth ripping my existence apart for. A magnetic force cannot be denighed.” -Catherine

This is what I have to say. I fucked up and fucked up badly…follow your heart and be honest with yourself, girl 1, and girl 2. Don’t let yourself rationalize keeping anything a secret will keep anyone from getting hurt. And don’t pass up that one electrical love…Butterflies on Steroids as I call it.

Love,
MyStReSs
@>—–

Yugioh Yodeled:

“I am having a little trouble with my girlfriend. Prior to dating her she was thin. But after we’ve been together for 2 years — and now that the holidays are over — she has become quite overweight. What can I do to prevent further weight gain, and decrease all that extra weight she put on since? I have a feeling she’s grown comfortable and no longer feels she needs to ‘compete’ with other women for me, thus no longer tries to stay thin. I don’t feel that coming right out and being honest, “you look fat.” is proper solution.”

Very smart boy! Saying such a thing would get you smacked and dumped and that obviously isn’t what you want if you are asking for help. Uhmmm…”Yugioh, I think you yourself are gaining some weight or maybe you aren’t as in shape as you used to be and need to work on that (wink wink), perhaps you will need her full support and encouragement”. There is no need to tell a girl she is gaining weight…not unless you want her to ask you every day for as long as you are with her afterwards. A gentler encouragement is to express your desire to get in better shape and ask her to help you…buy the two of you a pass to the local gym and stick with a regimen and diet. She may feel the same about you and it is always good to be healthy. In the long run inner beauty is what counts, and you’ve obviously found that in her. Good Luck!

Love,
MyStReSs
@>—–

“My ex GF went down the beach, got drunk, and made out and took a shower with her best friend (who was a chick) and thought that I wouldn’t have a problem with it. When I said I did she got all pissed and it was one of the contributing factors of our breakup after 10 months. Why did she have the mentality that doing shit with the same sex isn’t the same as doing shit with the opposite sex.”

She probably didn’t feel comfortable enough approaching you with the fact that she may be Bi. I completely agree that it is cheating—no matter what sex the partner is. Although the stereotype is that men love lesbians, they do not want their partner to be on the level as the porn star on T.V. but the only way out of this situation is to either find a different girl or accept this one for who she is. This may be something purely sexual for her and not emotional. If you believe in your heart it is cheating and she wants to continue then perhaps work out a plan to try swinging together. You may get more enjoyment out of it then you think….

Love,
MyStReSs
@>—–

Dr. Mort Lied:
“Firstly, I don’t masturbate. However, a lot of guys do, and my question is: do females, in general, masturbate as much as males, in general? Also, do you yourself masturbate? A picture of said would be great. Oh and here’s a question, my old g/f liked a finger in the backdoor when I was going down on her, now I’m going out with someone new and I’m wondering if I should just go for it (old g/f really liked it) or talk about it, or what?”

I don’t believe you, however I will answer your question. This often comes up among girls in conversations and I’d say it is about 50/50. I would be one cranky bitch without my toy (Osaki is the greatest vibrator ever and this is my tribute to him) I use it at least one but up to 6 or 7 times a day depending on how often my significant other is around. But, I am a very sexual girl

and not all girls are as sexual as I am. I have friends who swear by masturbation and I have others that swear they never have. Chances are…like you…they are too embarrassed to admit it.

Backdoor pleasure can be a shock if it is not something you are used to. Best bet is to talk to her about it or have a night of exploring each other’s bodies and rating what is enjoyable on a scale of 1-5. If you go there and she likes it you have your answer.

Love,
MyStReSs
@>—–

Jobber asked:
“OK I’m in love with a girl at school. I’ve known her for 4 years. But we haven’t spoken in 2. I don’t know why, all I know is I love her. But I just can’t go up to her and say that. She’ll laugh at me. What do I do?”

Girls have the same fears as guys do. Quite often chemistry is between two people so it is a great possibility that she feels the same. Love however is strong word. I believe that you can know rather or not it is possible to fall in love with someone, but the love itself is built within a relationship. The first thing you need to do is lay off the pressure. Call her up or write her a letter that asks her to hang out sometime soon…invite her out in a friendly manner. If you haven’t spoken in 2 years you need to build up the familiarity first. After that is back to normal, tell her how you feel, be honest, but not overbearing. Give her a trinket…something that may mean something between the two of you. Girls like little gifts =) Let me know what happens.

Love,
MyStReSs
@>—–

P.S. to all. The site isn’t up because the webdesigner fell off the face of the earth. Feel free to email me if you are interested in the position and we can work out the details.

XOXO
@>—

Remember, keep the questions and feedback coming in either the form of emailing askmystress@scotsmanality.com or by responding through the comments section below.

COMMENTS:

Jesus why is this so hard?
Authored by: Mikey_Franchise on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 11:18 AM EST
Okay, the lesbians/gay guys thing is SO SIMPLE if you think about it.

Men like women because they’re FEMININE… a woman with a woman is very FEMININE

Women like men because they’re MASCULINE…. a man with a man is FUCKING GAY and therefore, not masculine at all

Is that so hard?

Jesus why is this so hard?
Authored by: That Swiss Guy on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 11:43 AM EST
Dude, you should have your own sex advice column…Got any pics of you shoving a candy bar up your ass?

Jesus why is this so hard?
Authored by: Mikey_Franchise on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 12:06 PM EST
I have 3, Mars, Snickers, and a Twix, however I don’t recommend amateurs to do this as the candy kinda “melts” and unless you have a dog it can be very sticky

****3/4
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 12:38 PM EST
“Backdoor pleasure can be a shock if it is not something you are used to. Best bet is to talk to her about it or have a night of exploring each other’s bodies and rating what is enjoyable on a scale of 1-5.”

Replace “her” with “him” and “1″ with “dud” and I think it’s easy to solve the mystery of who this Mystress chick really is. I knew there weren’t really any ladies who visit this site.

****3/4
Authored by: Osiris on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 12:41 PM EST
That is officially the most disturbing image I’ve ever had in my head. Scott Keith lying on his back, getting touched all over and ranking it from 5 to dud. Thanks.

Review WCW Thunder
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 12:57 PM EST
Review WCW Thunder

Oh yeah
Authored by: Osiris on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 01:07 PM EST
Nice gash.

Nice Photoshop Work…
Authored by: Ceedj on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 01:12 PM EST
Neat column. Nice to see a little something different.

-Ceedj

Review WCW Thunder
Authored by: Scotsman on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 01:17 PM EST
You want Mystress to review it?

Sucking ass
Authored by: Osiris on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 01:22 PM EST
If you get any further up there, you’re gonna bump your head on one of the 18 Krackle bars this bitch ate for breakfast. Golly, you’re column sure is nifty. And you’re nipples are awfully swell too. Sissy.

Bollocks.
Authored by: Martin ONeill on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 01:49 PM EST
In the first place, men aren’t into lesbo’s. Men don’t wanna see two hairy table-making diesel-dykes swop strap-ons for an hour. Men are into hot hetero women who go at it. At the end of the day what a man wants is for those two hot chicks to finish up with their sloppy pussy, walk over and suck his dick. That’s the “lesbian” fantasy.

Question
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 01:56 PM EST
My name is Jeremy. My question is this. There’s this girl that I met last year at a Vo-Tech center. That’s where different high schools send kids to learn about a certain trade. In the Commercial Arts class I met this girl one year younger than me and I feel like we absolutely clicked. She totally gets me and she’s the only person that ever has. We became great friends but the problem is that she has a steady boyfriend. Now it’s a year later and she’s a senior and I’m going to college. I talk to her on the phone sometimes and I don’t live far enough away that I couldn’t go see her. My problem is I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her how I feel or just stay friends with her and hope that she breaks up with her boyfriend and eventually gets together with me? Or maybe I should just leave it at a friendship because, admittedly so, I’m rather gutless when it coes to women. Any advice?

****3/4
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 03:22 PM EST
Dude she’s real. I was talking to her while she was writing this column last night. She stayed up late just to finish it. You should appricate her dedication.

****3/4
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 03:22 PM EST
Dude she’s real. I was talking to her while she was writing this column last night. She stayed up late just to finish it. You should appricate her dedication.

****3/4
Authored by: Osiris on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 03:26 PM EST
Congratulations! You’re an idiot. Thanks for playing!

Review WCW Thunder
Authored by: Anthony on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 03:30 PM EST
Thats what I think he was trying to say by replying to one of her columns. REVIEW WCW THUNDER MYSTRESS

the fuck is a
Authored by: Mikey_Franchise on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 03:36 PM EST
Well considering the lesbian porn industry’s earnings I’d say men are more than happy to watch two good looking women go at it so your argument is garbage. Where as the male gay porn industry is bought by 98% men (just ask A-Wel), 95% of lesbian porn is bought by men too, men like to watch 2 women more than 2 lesbian women do.

PS – just playin’ a-wel I still got money on ya for #5

Qua?
Authored by: Osiris on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 03:44 PM EST
How bout men like to watch porn more then women do? In reality, actually men NEED to watch porn more then women do. I know plenty of women who actually don’t mind watching porn. But they would never actually go out and get any. If they really needed it, they’d get over the wierdness. But they can live without. Except this one girl that I used to know. God, she was hot. Huge whore, but hot nonetheless.

the fuck is a
Authored by: Vin on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 04:05 PM EST
Thats probably more to do with the fact that men are
stimulated more by visuals and women are stimulated
more by sound and touch.

the fuck is a
Authored by: Osiris on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 04:10 PM EST
That’s why I scream at them and slap ‘em around.

Question
Authored by: Osiris on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 04:13 PM EST
Back burner. That’s what its for. Never, ever confess some secret love that you’ve been holding onto for years. You’ll only look psycho. Find other girls. If her and the boyfriend breakup, then you can swoop in like a falcon. But under no circumstances tell her that you’ve been in love with her all this time. Fuck other girls.

Question
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 04:23 PM EST
That’s not how you do it dumbass. You tell her that you’ve DEVELOPED a crush on her. It just crept up on you, and it doesn’t seem to want to go away.

Then you pull out your dick, start beating it, and pray that she joins in on the games!

Review WCW Thunder
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 04:30 PM EST
no i wasn’t – you know full well what i meant by that scots and this is not bitching, complaining, or a cry for attention. it is a plea for you to write a humorous video game review for WCW Thunder, scots…

I don’t want to read an internet article about men and women – and i do not want to read the pathetic attempts at your readership to flirt with a b-movie reject “columnist” thousands of miles away. I do not want a-wel cruiz’s poorly written horse shit reviews, I want you scots. I want you to write the review. I voted yes to see your asshole scots, because it’s you i want. i want you now.

Review WCW Thunder

Review WCW Thunder
Authored by: Osiris on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 04:34 PM EST
Wow. Very Play Misty for Me.

Jesus why is this so hard?
Authored by: Ormberg on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 04:42 PM EST
Ewww, that’s Christina Augilera DIRRTY.

Question for the chick about to finger herself
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 04:43 PM EST
Hey. When I was in high school, this guy came in his pants while holding hands with a girl. My question is, is that as fucking hilarious to girls as it is to guys? Because we bugged him about it for about 4 years after it happened. He was dumb enough to tell someone that. But seriously, wouldn’t hos get a good laugh out of that too?

Review WCW Thunder
Authored by: Ormberg on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 04:44 PM EST
“I voted yes to see your asshole scots, because it’s you i want.”

Holy shit on a stick up a man’s ass, that is a GCOTY- Gay Comment of the Year. *********3/4

Blats
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 04:45 PM EST
post a picture of you in a thong mistress. please

hj5vngy78
Authored by: Penisman2k3 on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 05:06 PM EST
Wheres A-Wel when you need him?

Blats
Authored by: Osiris on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 05:16 PM EST
Hey dumbass, you responded to me not to her. Unless you really want to see me in a thong. It’ll cost you. I don’t think she’s gonna show you a picture of her in a thong. My theory is that she’s got an ass bigger then President Taft’s. And the same mustache too.

Qua?
Authored by: Mikey_Franchise on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 05:46 PM EST
::sigh:: Idiots, I meant MEN buy just as much LESBIAN porn as straight porn… meaning they don’t mind watching it, try putting my comment in the CONTEXT of what it was referring to (although granted I didn’t respond to the other article just made a new one).

Qua?
Authored by: Osiris on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 05:52 PM EST
You’re a stupid cocksucker. I don’t care what you meant or what you said. I wasn’t even really responding to you. Fucking moron. Gee, do men really buy more porn then women? Where’d you get that stat? That sounds crazy!

get this bullshit off the site
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 06:17 PM EST
fuck this whore if i want plus size women i will pay this pregnant crackhead on my street to strip

Blats
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 06:21 PM EST
FUCK YOU NIGGER

hj5vngy78
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 06:23 PM EST
where did eitan go?

Question for Mystress
Authored by: bbd316uk on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 06:38 PM EST
How much wood exactly? could a would chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

Question for Mystress
Authored by: bbd316uk on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 06:49 PM EST
Fecker…. typo then…..

Actually, my question is what do you think is the best way to get revenge on a girl who has cheated on you with out actually having to be in any kind of contact with her? Have you ever been cheated on and what did you do in retaliation??

?
Authored by: Z on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 07:02 PM EST
Quote:
Ever watch the show Sex In The City? My girlfriends and I are every bit as brutal, point being you don’t need a bad rep.

Dear god, I thought that was all horrible fiction. Though I must say, I’ve never actually FEARED being being on the brunt of insults such as the ones they dish out.

Question for Mystress
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 07:07 PM EST
Break into her house and jerk off all over all of her clothes and food and stuff.

Jesus why is this so hard?
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 07:54 PM EST
thong picture please mystress. your lovely. and a thong picture too from you osiris please.

Blats

Question for Mystress
Authored by: TL Hopper on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 08:07 PM EST
BRILLIANT!

mystress
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 08:47 PM EST
A few years back I used to stay at a (female) friend’s house every weekend as it was near my job. We were friends, nothing more and it never got “complicated”. we drifted out of touch, and I got on with my life. I’m engaged now to another woman who I love, but I recently bumped into my friend again on a night out. We got talking and rinking and she asked why I never made a pss at her. I told her I didn’t know and she repsonded by kissing me… one thing led to another and now she says she wants to be with me. I want to be with her, but I’m worried it’s just a “what if…” fling… what if I’d made the pass all those years ago? Should I go for it or stay with a settled relationship that I’ve had for a while?

PS: The sex is better with the other woman rather than my current g/f, if that helps any

Andrew wants a prize
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 10:35 PM EST
So I stumped you, don’t I get a prize?

Funny Motherfuckers
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Wednesday, January 22 2003 @ 04:22 AM EST
Damn, anytime I need a laugh, I just come in here and read some comments. Everybody is hilarious.

Blats!
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Wednesday, January 22 2003 @ 08:15 AM EST
Review WCW Nigger. And let’s see that thong babycakes.

-
Authored by: Dr. Mort on Wednesday, January 22 2003 @ 03:18 PM EST
Hey what the fuck? This is slander! I never said I didn’t jerk it, infact I called the guy who did say it a liar! My question was about backdoor action during cunnilingus, At least get your names straight, the other dude was aptly named anonymous if I remember correctly.

?
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Thursday, January 23 2003 @ 05:26 PM EST
I hate girls who compare themselves to Sex and the City. I don’t know any groups of guys who try and act like some tv groupof guys, talking like them and having the same drinks,(if i have to buy one more cosmo for a chick just because those four twats on HBO drink them, there will be a date rape in my future) thinking that they are something special. Check that, me and my friends tried to be like the A-team, but we were like 8 years old

-
Authored by: Dr. Mort on Saturday, January 25 2003 @ 05:15 PM EST
I demand an apology and/or free passwords.

Chix Who Like Porn
Authored by: unclelewdog on Monday, January 27 2003 @ 06:14 PM EST
In my experience chix that dig porn are ALWAYS fucken weirdos. I wish I could find a chik that was into porn like guyz, but I dont think that will happen any time soon.

mystress
Authored by: unclelewdog on Wednesday, January 29 2003 @ 07:21 AM EST
don’t fucken do it. i tried it with a girl i knew in college and it didn’t work. run for the hills and keep your “g/f” she loves you.

mystress
Authored by: unclelewdog on Wednesday, January 29 2003 @ 07:22 AM EST
that was for the guy who got his gir back from years ago. anyway fuck yall MYSTRESS is hot!!!

mystress
Authored by: unclelewdog on Wednesday, January 29 2003 @ 07:24 AM EST
it was a comment from “Authored by: Anonymous on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 08:47 PM EST”

DO YOU KNOW TURKEY HILL???

CKY 4 LIFE

Hello all, Thanks for the feedback, keep the questions coming in either the form of emailing askmystress@scotsmanality.com or by responding through the site. Look for the hidden picture and have fun with today’s posting!

Osiris Said: “Have a question about the ‘fairer sex’. Whenever I have sex with a lady, after I’ve finished, she ends up curled up in the fetal position, trembling. She also usually mumbles something over and over again. ‘Oh god. Oh god. Oh God.’ ‘What have I done?’ and ‘I’ll never get clean.’ are the ones I’ve heard most often. Now this makes it very difficult to sleep. I’ve tried grabbing them by the throat, going nose to nose with them and whispering ‘If you don’t shut the fuck up, I’ll never let you out of here alive.’ While that does keep them quiet and I can get to sleep, they’re always gone when I wake up, and then I have to make my own breakfast. That brings me to my question. How do make eggs benedict? “

So you figure there are black widows out there devouring their male mates and its time you got your share in eh? Ya know what? I’ll give you your F**kin recipe!!! I’m a strong believer that men should break free of their mommies and wives and learn to be self-sufficient. If all the females were to disappear off the earth you guys would have a blast for the day going around playing video games and hunting…then you bring home your “Bacon” and realize there is no one at home to cook it for you. After blowing yourself up trying, then crying because no one is around to “put a Band-Aid on it” you may actually miss us and wish you hadn’t strangled us the night before!

P.S. Osiris real men have balls (find a way to obtain some for the recipe to be complete) Maybe they cry because you just weren’t big enough…Women try to keep their numbers low and we often cry when we realize we wasted one of these numbers on a guy who just wasn’t big enough…or experienced enough to get us off!

Love,
MyStReSs @>—–

Jn6six6 Wondered: “Do chicks enjoy taking shits as much as guys? Seriously?”

Please rate your “bathroom experience” to the readers of “Pondering the x Chromosome” on a scale of 1-10 as compared to other things in life like sex, food, drinking and then I can give you an honest comparison as to where women fit it on the scale. Going to the bathroom dear satin boy, according to freud, is one of the biological pleasures, but probably to most females it is not a thought about desire. Things we would rather do then shit are:

1. Have Sex
2. Go Shopping
3. Enjoy A Romantic Evening
4. Pursue A Hobby
5. Or Perhaps Reading a Book (maybe for those who read the pleasure of reading on the toilet distracts us from the pleasure of the actual act.)

I have been told however dear satin boy that those who really enjoy the feeling of the bathroom acts have an anal fixation. I much prefer my oral fixation but recommended activities for you are experimenting with the same sex or (if you insist you are positively straight) roll playing with your current involvement. Note: this may involve a toy or finger being inserted into your anus to be able to feel the same waves of pleasure through your body as your bathroom behavior would create. Either way, I wish you the best of luck with your anal fixation.

Love,
MyStReSs @>—–

Risebluelion blurted out: “What is the deal with eyeliners? How do you not stab yourself in the eye every fucking time?”

Mystress’ Pic of the Week: BeneFit Bad Gal: This soft, black, Kohl pencil is better and badder than ever. Turns eyes’ smoldering, provocative and sultry. Bad Gal she’s smokin’!!!

Actually, I fell in love with the product name =)

So what’s the deal with eyeliner?

“Eyeliner melts and smears when it’s applied to slick skin,” says Max Factor Movie Makeup Artist Michelle Burke. Do as she does and follow these lasting tricks: Make sure the eye area is clean and dry before applying liner. If your skin is very oily, swipe the eye area with an oil-free makeup remover, then tissue it away before making up. Do your eyes before enhancing your skin with foundation or concealer, and set liner with a tiny bit of loose translucent powder.

Why do we not stab ourselves in the eye every fucking time?

Females are fairly intelligent creatures…we prefer not to indulge in the feeling of having charcoal sticks burning intense craters into our instruments of our vision. Perhaps you should see a shrink if you are feeling the inclination to subject yourself to this medieval torture. Those X-chromosomes who have regular spells of uncontrollable shaking usually do not attempt to apply eyeliner themselves. I am here to save you from your misconceptions. Eyeliners do not actually line the radius of our iris’ they can be worn in one of two ways:

1. There is a little ledge that is fairly narrow on the upper and lower lids that can be lined to create depth. Sometimes the charcoal can get into our eyes and it is a sensation similar to getting soap in ones’ eyes.

or

2. Right below that line and above the eyelashes is also an acceptable and less hazardous place to apply but tends to smear more and at the end of the night a girl can end up looking slightly smeared like she just had her heart broken by one of you.

I’m sure you really didn’t want an entire column devoted to the nature of eyeliner, but you asked so too bad!

Love,
MyStReSs @>—–

Anonymous Asked: “I like a lass at work. How should I ask her out? Were pretty good friends and I don’t wanna fuck up the relationship.”

I’ve been in the situation you are in and it is a tough one. If you really cherish your job maybe it is best you stay away from the situation. You don’t want to end up dreading going to work any more than you already do. The situation could get sticky (and relationships always do). However, if you cannot be swayed because this girl is everything you have ever wanted then yes, maybe you should take the chance.

I feel it is highly inappropriate to ask someone on a date at work. When you are there you should be professional. The least risky ways I can offer you are these:

1. Offer to take her out to lunch (coworkers do this all the time)

Or

2. On your lunch break invite her to a friendly environment- just hanging out with friends in a social situation, feel it out, and if everything is comfortable in that situation, ask her when the two of you are off work grounds.

Asking her on a date at her place of employment may make her say no when you might otherwise say yes. Fraternization is usually discouraged in the work place, especially in the same department. She may fear for her job, most would feel this way. In addition friendship first is always best. From there it is smooth sailing into a relationship.

Love,
MyStReSs @>—–

“How do you dump a girl without hurting her too much, is the ‘I think we should be friends’ the way to go, or is it ‘I don’t think we should see each other anymore’? Obviously it differs in pre-sex, post-sex, and length of time dating.”

Everyone is different Deuce. You should know this girl more intimately than anyone else. It is best to just be honest…don’t make up excuses, but tell her how you really feel, and the real reason so she isn’t a wreck trying to figure out why. The truth may hurt her, but it hurts the least in the long run and she will have a respect for you because you are honest. Be firm about it, but if you have been with her a while or were friends first it is important not to totally disappear. Give her the space to get over you and let her come to you if she needs it. Don’t be an asshole, call her in a week or so to see if she is okay. Tell her you miss her as a friend but that you think it is best to not be in a relationship. Perhaps you can build a good friendship but don’t expect it overnight. The easiest breakups for me have been the ones that don’t dabble in between. Sleeping with girls after you break up with them only hurts them. It makes them feel like they are good enough for sex but not to love. Don’t confuse her when you two decide to hang out as friends, try not to be affectionate and just work on your friendship. I wish you luck, breaking up is hard to do!

Love,
MyStReSs @>—–

Anonymous Asked:

“Do girls freak out or get excited when they realize a guy they’re about to have sex with is a virgin?”

VIRGINITY…well everyone has to lose it at some point or other. Hopefully it is with someone special or at least memorable like the high school prom queen. But the idea of taking it from someone can conger up mixed feelings among both sexes. How do women feel about it?

While for men it seems mainly animal instinct of being the first to mark a territory, womans’ approach can be similar in a different kind of way. We like knowing we’ve made a mark on someone-especially their heart, and being someone’s first is like marking our territory in their mind. There can be something very special about a guy who has held off and then the girl meaning enough to him to give it all to her. Maybe this isn’t true…maybe the guy just can’t take it any longer and she is good enough (but no matter what you do never tell her this).

However guys, even more so than gals, form an attachment for their first. Most of us would be hesitant to create a new stalker who won’t seem to go away and if there is no connection between the two after the act is done, it can leave us feeling like dirtballs for taking it away.

One downfall is that most guys have absolutely no idea where anything is on a woman’s body the first time. Yes men, it shows…but in a sweet and innocent way. Because every woman is different sexually, being someone’s first means they can train you to please a woman just how they want to be pleased. Keep them happy and they may very well keep you around for a long time =)

If you are a virgin, learn fast…training gets old and sometimes women just want a man who knows what the hell he is doing!

Love,
MyStReSs @>—–

” I’ve known this girl for about 2 years and she’s been with her boyfriend since 8th grade. They don’t really love each other any more, but since they’ve been together like 7 years, they just seem like they’ll never break up. Anyway, she’s come out and said she wants me and she knows I want her, but I’ve met her B/F and I like him. So my question is, she’s coming over next weekend and I’m giving her a massage (To: ‘wink’ relieve her stress), should I make the move? I don’t mean to be cocky, but I could get just about any other girl I want, but I want HER. (P.S., she also likes aggressive guys and luckily I haven’t really fallen into the ‘friends’ group yet) ”

This SCREAMS taboo! There are boundaries that should be respected…and she is practically married. If the situation were reversed you would not like some guy making moves on your girlfriend of seven years. People change the most in their lives between the ages of 18 and 25, so you are probably right. Though she may love him, she may not be in love with him anymore. I think if you want to be viewed as a gentleman that has respect (one that has potential for a future relationship if she is who you really want) tell her exactly how you feel when she comes over next weekend. Give her a kiss on the CHEEK and offer her a rose and let her make her decision. If she really feels the same she should have to end it with him to be able to move forward with you. Otherwise, a lot of hearts could be broken, including yours. I wish you the best of luck!

Love,
MyStReSs @>—–

---

Comments:

JHAGKUYCD73984
Authored by: Penisman2k3 on Wednesday, January 15 2003 @ 08:49 PM EST
I’ve had sex with 55 women and 40 men. I’ve been a guide to many Penies around the world and all of them have moved on to becoming giant Penieleenies. Your information and advice disapointed me, so much that I had to drink Penisjuice to calm down. You could have atleast explained how to fuck a woman to that guy that asked about sex. You make me very sad lady nady maybe next time you’ll understand and not type. Ohhh wheres A-wel when you need him.

A question
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Wednesday, January 15 2003 @ 08:52 PM EST
Ok, first off, I really like your column. Quite differentthan the other stuff around here(all the other writers seem to try and imitate Scots(then again, I seem to be the only A-Wel fan around, so my opinion must suck)).
But, I do have a question.

I had a girlfriend for almost two years and I was totally in love with her. We broke up about six months ago(not my choice) when she moved, and now she’s on her way back to finish college here. We stayed in touch, and are good friends. I met another girl while she was away, and we hooked up…quite a few times. I never really had feelings for this girl, but she’s fun to hang out with, and we’ve been friends for a year. Now, the other girl is back, and says she wants to be with me. I want to go back to Girl 1, but don’t want to hurt Girl 2. Is there any way that I can still remain friends with Girl 2 and not hurt her by re-starting my past relationship? I don’t want to hurt her, but don’t know how to do this without it. Any advice at all? Honesty? CHange my name and move far away and start over?

A question
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Wednesday, January 15 2003 @ 08:54 PM EST
whoops, sorry, my name is Shawn, you can email me at matt2172000@yahoo.com

Talk ain’t cheap
Authored by: Angsty Andy on Wednesday, January 15 2003 @ 08:57 PM EST
Excuse me let me make a comment
What should you say after sex if you’re already spent
After I’ve finished sex, she always wants to talk
Yet I am speechless I just want to tak a walk
The most I’ve muster is saying,”Go make me a potpie”
She doesn’t seem to enjoy this, in fact, she’s requested I fuck off and die
What’s weird is she’s always bugging me to pay
And I have to stand in line just to see her and say “Hey”
Any advice you have to which can be sworn
Catch you homeys later, i’m out like Peter Townshed on teh kiddie porn
(Angsty andy-Fo nizzle, all up in yo shizzle. Or maybe it was the other way around….)
right on
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Wednesday, January 15 2003 @ 09:46 PM EST
Hey mystress, you were totally right on those answers! I’m glad you came to Scotsmanality, it’s refreshing to have someone that doesn’t talk about wrestling…or video games…or make up stupid raps. I was surprised that more guys didn’t comment on your “oral fixation” pic…but then again, maybe they didn’t notice. Peace

~Whit

Question
Authored by: YuGioh on Wednesday, January 15 2003 @ 10:22 PM EST
I am having a little trouble with my girlfriend. Prior to dating her she was thin. But after we’ve been together for 2 years — and now that the holidays are over — she has become quite overweight. What can I do to prevent further weight gain, and decrease all that extra weight she put on since? I have a feeling she’s grown comfortable and no longer feels she needs to ‘compete’ with other women for me, thus no longer tries to stay thin. I don’t feel that coming right out and being honest, “you look fat.” is proper solution :X

Thanks

YUUUUUUUUGIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!

open to interpretation…
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Wednesday, January 15 2003 @ 10:43 PM EST
Dear Dick,
Thank you for the feedback. However, he did not ask how to lose his virginity, therefore I will assume he just wanted to know “Do women enjoy taking the virginity of men?”. If you are a virgin and have questions to ask of this nature I will be more than happy to tell you how to please a woman…all you have to do is ask!

@>—-

Is Scott Keith fat or what?
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Wednesday, January 15 2003 @ 10:54 PM EST
Well?

Is Scott Keith fat or what?
Authored by: TL Hopper on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 12:41 AM EST
All signs point to yes! LOL 9-11-01!

my ex
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 12:41 AM EST
my ex gf went down the beach, got drunk, and made out and took a shower with her best fiend (who was a chick) and thought that i wouldnt have a problem with it. when i said i did she got all pissed and it was one of the contributing factors of our breakup after 10 months. Why did she have the mentality that doing shit with the same sex isnt the same as doing shit with the opposite sex.

Holy Shit she answered my question….
Authored by: risebluelion on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 12:43 AM EST
Now I really like this girl!

My next question-

What is the deal with penis size? length or girth? which do you prefer?

bluelion (maximuslion.com)

I Noticed
Authored by: Shawn on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 01:20 AM EST
I noticed the ‘oral fixation’ picture, but I thought her goal was to have it hidden, so I didn’t make any comments.

Just a vote, how many think Mystress is the most attractive female on this site? Erin was in the lead, but Mystress passed her up. Anybody?

Holy Shit she answered my question….
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 01:22 AM EST
do any of you actually know where the clitoris is?

I Noticed
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 01:34 AM EST
Four years ago, some guy… sliced me on my face. He’s in jail servin’ 25 years. All I gotta say is I’m a keep busy and those demons try to keep my music away from me.

flattered
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 01:40 AM EST
I’m flattered but don’t admire me for my face…I prefer to be known for witt or intelligence..

@>—-

Need your opinion
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 04:24 AM EST
I like your writing style, but I want to “test” you…Please give your feeling/opinions on these four unreleated topics….
1)Mutual Masturbation
2)Hypnosis
3)girls who never wear socks with tennis shoes
4)Marie Callender frozen Tv Dinners

Looking forward to your response…if you can pull this off, you officially rock….

A question
Authored by: Ormberg on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 05:09 AM EST
Your name is Shawn and your e-mail starts with Matt? You don’t need relationship advice, you’ve got dual personalities!! (Tazz laugh on) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Tazz laugh off)

And A-Wel’s good, I think a lot of people mock him because he’s writing at Scotsmanality and they’re not. Or maybe they just don’t like his writing, I dunno.

Holy Shit she answered my question….
Authored by: Ormberg on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 05:14 AM EST
Is that like finding Jesus or something?

Quoting South Park makes me cool!! Yeah me!!!

flattered
Authored by: Ormberg on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 05:15 AM EST
Then you’re in trouble because ‘wit’ is spelt with one ‘t’.

flattered
Authored by: JN6six6 on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 06:33 AM EST
hahah ZING! And, did you just tell me to finger my ass? Ooookay. I’ll do it if you will, guys? Maybe not then.

Look, I enjoy taking a shit… so does every other guy on this planet… don’t mean we’re sausage jockeys… you suck… well, nice tits.

hidden pic?
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 09:45 AM EST
Dear Mystress,
Where is the hidden pic you speak of?
poo poo!

Osiris
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 11:16 AM EST
Osiris…your question was fucking brilliant. You had me laughing my ass off. You’re funny too, bitch. (bitch being the bitch who writes the column)

Review WCW Thunder
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 11:20 AM EST
i don’t give a fuck about anything this mystress has to say – please post the thunder review scots

Wow.
Authored by: Matt TRG on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 11:49 AM EST
No offense, Mystress, but you do WAY too much work for us cretins. I appreciate you taking the time to find Eggs Benedict recipes, while also giving us a great lollipop picture. You are too good for us.

That being said, here’s my question:

Who’s worse: The Bill Alphonso imitator, Detective Hamrick (or whatever his name was), Angsty Andy and his “rapping,” Jay Bower and his “jokes,” or the guy who just wants a review of WCW Thunder?

Wow.
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 12:06 PM EST
I like Jay Bower.

flattered
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 02:51 PM EST
i don’t admire you for either

bring back a-wel cruiz

Question
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Thursday, January 16 2003 @ 02:56 PM EST
Firstly, I don’t masturbate. However, a lot of guys do, and my question is: do females, in general, masturbate as much as males, in general?

Also, do you yourself masturbate?

A picture of said would be great.

Wow.
Authored by: Angsty Andy on Friday, January 17 2003 @ 12:01 AM EST
Man, let me tell yo honkey ass something. I am from the MEAN STREETS of South Carolina. That’s right, I have to fend for myself in the cold, hard ghettoes of South Carolina! We had plow-bys, where some guy would just be riding by on a tractor and put a cap in yo ass! Word to yo mutha. Or father. Whichever one has custody of you this week.

my ex
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Friday, January 17 2003 @ 01:13 AM EST
Fucking idiot. The only problem you should have is that she didn’t do it with you there. You should have demanded that she do it again with you behind the video camera and you should have fucked them both. You’re a moron.

Question
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Friday, January 17 2003 @ 07:47 AM EST
And this guy wants us to believe he DOESN’T jerk off? What a tool

Question
Authored by: Dr. Mort on Friday, January 17 2003 @ 02:49 PM EST
What fucking liar, either this guy is a fucking eunuch or just a giant liar. Mystress is pretty hot, but god knows why she bothers with this site, and I mean seriously who doesn’t know how to make Eggs Benedict? It’s fucking super easy, and super delicious.

Oh and here’s a question, my old g/f liked a finger in the backdoor when I was going down on her, now I’m goin out with someone new and I’m wondering if I should just go for it (old g/f really liked it) or talk about it, or what?

Question
Authored by: Dr. Mort on Friday, January 17 2003 @ 02:50 PM EST
Also, how come your site is still down? makes it hard to bribe someone with a password to a pornless site.

Hey! She linked to a recipe!
Authored by: paulrenney on Friday, January 17 2003 @ 04:49 PM EST
If you hover over ‘F’ckin Recipe’ it links to a recipe site.

Hehe, I found the hidden pic
Authored by: paulrenney on Friday, January 17 2003 @ 04:52 PM EST
http://www.scotsmanality.com/pics/mystress/lollypop.jpg

She’s all naked.

Hehe, I found the hidden pic
Authored by: Dr. Mort on Friday, January 17 2003 @ 09:38 PM EST
looks like a bit of belly, too many lollipops maybe.

my ex
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Friday, January 17 2003 @ 10:39 PM EST
the bitch she did that shit with was a hoe, and woulda given me scabiez!

you dont know shit

Hehe, I found the hidden pic
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Saturday, January 18 2003 @ 05:15 AM EST
you’re tripping…she’s a cutie.

5

Hehe, I found the hidden pic
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Saturday, January 18 2003 @ 11:08 AM EST
you’re “tripping” -

yes and you’re “gay”

Hehe, I found the hidden pic
Authored by: Gomezticator on Saturday, January 18 2003 @ 03:11 PM EST
Um, hello? RIBS? ORGANS? Not every girl is a budding anorexic!

Love
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Saturday, January 18 2003 @ 07:10 PM EST
OK I’m in love with a girl at school. I’ve known her for 4 years. But we haven’t spoken in 2. I don’t know why, all I know is I love her. But I just can’t go up to her and say that. She’ll laugh at me.

What do I do?

-JobberToTheStars
-Can’t be bothered to log in…ever.

Question
Authored by: 3Hnslaron1 on Sunday, January 19 2003 @ 02:16 AM EST
Nice column.

How long have you been comming here before you got the column? ..

length of stay
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 01:43 AM EST
I’ve been around for awhile now…The first fansign =)

@>—

What a bunch of crap
Authored by: Osiris on Tuesday, January 21 2003 @ 04:40 PM EST
Perhaps several days late and several dollars short, but here it is anyway. You’re men reliant on women thing is patently riciculous. How many skanks do you know that can’t even kill a fucking spider? Or open a jar of pickles? Or change there fucking oil? Women, on a whole (hee-hee, I said hole (kind of)), are way more reliant on men then women. The only thing that makes it even close is that ya’ll have the one thing that we really need. Good grammar. God I can’t wait to piss on your fucking graves.

(Original Date: January 13, 2003)

Greetings wayworn men, those wearied by traveling through the hearts, minds, and bodies of womenfolk everywhere. ‘Tis I, Mystress- here to offer advice to all those in need by way of my new column:

Yes, to a few good men (those who read scotsmanality.com of course) I will offer answers to any and all questions my readers will have such as:

“Why do women go to bathrooms in groups?”
“Why do girls put guys in the ‘friend zone’?”
“Why can’t I get my girlfriend get off?”
“How do I approach a woman I’d like to talk to?”
“She says I’m not romantic, do you have any ideas?”

I will attack all questions with Vim and respond with humorous, cogent responses, but please do not read my column if you are easily offended.

Yes, dear men, women can be parlous to a man’s heart, not everything they say will be sincere. Email me any and all questions or topics you would like discussed at askmystress@scotsmanality.com, or post them in the comments field below. Each week, I will post one of them. If your question does not make it on the site within 3 weeks I will personally email you to answer it. You are welcome to be anonymous if you would like, but there is nothing to be ashamed of…chances are other men have the same questions but never speak up. I will not castigate you in any way and if I choose your question to be posted I will give you an access code good for a free cam show. The site will be up soon:

www.xxxtcmystress.com

(not work safe) And stay tuned into the column every once in a while the loyal readers will catch codes for free shows or discounts or autographed photos off of the site.

XoXo,

MyStReSs @>—–

---

COMMENTS FROM THIS ARTICLE:

Authored by: Some Random Fag on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 01:58 AM EST
A woman? On Scotsmanality? Whoulda thunk it.

How wise is that?
Authored by: Cody Webster on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 05:50 AM EST
Bribing people with porn on the internet. Really now, a 5 year old could even get porn off of google. However, that I’ll respond even if I don’t use it thing is genius.

Good luck surviving in a world where www.askachick.com/ exist, French Lady.

Oh, and for the guy above. Whit is a girl who visits dumbass. Also, Scotsman’s soon to be wife dropped by once.

Hmmm… youre pretty.
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 08:32 AM EST
Hi.

Question:

I like a lass at work. How should I ask her out? Were pretty good friends, and I dont wana fuck up the relationship.

So and help or advice is welcome.

Review WCW Thunder
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 09:24 AM EST
Review WCW Thunder scots

How wise is that?
Authored by: Scotsman on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 09:26 AM EST
Ahh all those chicks on that other site suck.

And hey there was more than just Whit or Janise….there was Jen and Erin and Morgan…..Carli….even Christie…..shit, A-Wel don’t have a set of balls so you could even classify him as a chick.

Hmmm… youre pretty.
Authored by: Dr. Mort on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 11:53 AM EST
Booo, I predict this whole deal will get pretty gay, and going gay when a chick is involved is a tricky business indeed, but somehow this site will pull it off. I mean relationship advice? What are yopu trying to pull here Scots?

Also, where are my movies?

Question
Authored by: Osiris on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 12:00 PM EST
I have a question about the ‘fairer sex’. Whenever I have sex with a lady, after I’ve finished, she ends up curled up in the fetal position, trembling. She also usually mumbles something over and over again. ‘Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.’, ‘What have I done?’ and ‘I’ll never get clean.’ are the ones I’ve heard most often. Now this makes it very dificult to sleep. I’ve tried grabbing them by the throat, going nose to nose with them and whispering ‘If you don’t shut the fuck up, I’ll never let you out of here alive.’ While that does keep them quiet and I can get to sleep, they’re always gone when I wake up, and then I have to make my own breakfast. That brings me to my question. How do make eggs benedict?

question
Authored by: risebluelion on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 01:05 PM EST
this should be a contest for gayest question ever. so i’ll start:

what is the deal with eyeliners? how do you not stab yourself in the eye every fucking time?

Top that, fags.

bluelion (maximuslion.com)

Question!
Authored by: JN6six6 on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 02:22 PM EST
<b>Do chicks enjoy taking shits as much as guys?</b> Seriously?

Question
Authored by: JN6six6 on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 02:23 PM EST
LOLOLOL!

balls anyone?
Authored by: mystress on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 03:19 PM EST
Neither does Osiris! He’ll get what he has coming to him in my next column! ahaaahhaaaahhaaaaa (evil laugh with no sound effects)

Question
Authored by: Ormberg on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 03:20 PM EST
That my friends is the definition of “LOL2003″

I’m not the average girl…
Authored by: mystress on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 03:27 PM EST
Oui, mais. ..will “ces” filles vous disent point par point comment plaire une fille sexuellement?

Thanks for wishing me luck, and be sure to remind me on one of your future comments that you are not interested in receiving free female porn…

What kind of a guy is this Scots?

Bises (xoxo),
MyStReSs @>—-

Fart Questions
Authored by: Martin ONeill on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 03:28 PM EST
I have 3:

1) After farting alot in bed, do chicks raise the covers, take a whiff and smile with pride?
2) Have you ever had a wet fart?
3) What’s the difference between a fridge and a vagina?

Oh fuck, I know the last one…a fridge doesn’t fart when you take your meat out of it! Badaboom!

Fart Questions
Authored by: mystress on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 03:39 PM EST
Maybe the fart because they are rejecting “meat” that is spoiled or not good enough to belong in there to begin with?

Fart Questions
Authored by: Martin ONeill on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 03:50 PM EST
No. It’s a cunt grunt. Aren’t you a sex advice columnist? Shouldn’t you know this shit?

Fart Questions
Authored by: mystress on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 04:46 PM EST
If you want to get technical it is caused from air being trapped in the orifice, but it doesn’t always happen- which again backs up my theory that maybe the appendages of certain men just aren’t acceptable!

Fart Questions
Authored by: Martin ONeill on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 05:09 PM EST
Yeah I think I understand what you mean now. Mine must be far too big. Badaboom badabing!

How wise is that?
Authored by: A-wel Cruiz on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 05:58 PM EST
Yeah Scots, I’m a woman, and I wanna fuck you.

question
Authored by: A-wel Cruiz on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 06:00 PM EST
I’ll take that challenge.

Whay are men such pigs, I mean REALLY? They think with their dicks, right?

TOP THAT!

VSYG36
Authored by: Penisman2k3 on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 06:14 PM EST
How do I get A-wel and Scott Keith to met me for some wild penis action? I think A-wel finds me attractive but Scott Keith is too much man for me to handle.

question
Authored by: Osiris on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 06:15 PM EST
You are an untalented, unfunny piece of crap. I hate you. On my birthday, when I blew out the candles on my cake, I wished for you to die. YOU SUCK!

If you can’t handle them…
Authored by: mystress on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 06:22 PM EST
If you can’t handle them why ask? If you can…ask nicely I’m sure they’d oblige!

My question:
Authored by: Matt TRG on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 06:34 PM EST
What’s the first rule of Fight Club?

My answer:
Authored by: mystress on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 06:41 PM EST
What’s fight club? (Shhhh! numnuts ya don’t talk about it!)

question
Authored by: A-wel Cruiz on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 07:13 PM EST
YESSSS!!!!!! Keep it coming! You dipshits bitching about me makes my day, no fuck that, my WHOLE FUCKING WEEK!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Cruiz out. >8^D

I’m not the average girl…
Authored by: Cody Webster on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 07:41 PM EST
Non, mais la partie de la fantaisie ne sera pas obligé à avoir une femmes vous harcellent et les jeux d’esprit de pièce. Vous prouvez mon point mon en tenant otage de porn, vous propulsez la chienne qui joue.

Again, what makes your porn so great? I just think you would have been fine without the cheap carrot over everyones head.

If you can’t handle them…
Authored by: A-wel Cruiz on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 07:45 PM EST
I’ll need expensive jewelrey first.

How wise is that?
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 11:11 PM EST
<<Authored by: A-wel Cruiz on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 04:58 PM EST
Yeah Scots, I’m a woman, and I wanna fuck you.
>>

we know this

My answer:
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 11:20 PM EST
Do girls freak out or get excited when they realize a guy they’re about to have sex with is a virgin?

Good Idea….
Authored by: OmegaSox on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 11:24 PM EST
I honestly think this is a good idea for the site….different direction of sorts.

Mistress, welcome.

Scots, good call, it was getting kinda gay in here with all the guys, and not many chicks….

question
Authored by: Dr. Mort on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 12:16 AM EST
You wished him dead? Oh shit Cruiz, you gotta fight back with your own good JuJu, this is just like that backwards Seinfeld, he gave you the EVIL EYE!!

Also, where’s that A? Hunh? Less talk more action!

Where are my movies Scots?!

I have a boner.
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 12:39 AM EST
I really want to fuck Mystress.

I have a boner.
Authored by: Arsecake on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 12:50 AM EST
For all you know she has flat tits and a gigantic
Samoan-esque arse, why do you want to fuck her
already? Aren’t you supposed to, like, get to know her
first?

And the obvious question to ask is, which feels better,
long or thick?

argh
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 01:11 AM EST
if a guy had posted something with words like:
wayworn (wayward)
parlous (perlious)
and whatever other bimboisms there were, you guys’d be flipping out, which leads me to belive that you’re all so happy to have a girl “talk” to you that you’ve been wanking on overtime. This site has lost its edge. Sigh. Well, I guess you don’t have to be able to spell to be a web cam whore. Cheers.

I have a boner.
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 02:47 AM EST
I agree… I’d gladly make a sperm roadmap on her.

question
Authored by: Osiris on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 11:35 AM EST
I know that you’re sitting there thinking, ‘Golly, them guys are ribbing me, but that’s cause they like me. Its all in good fun.’ That may be true in some cases, but I FUCKING HATE YOU! You are so unfunny that I can’t even put it into words. Your writing is pure garbage. Your best be is to change your name, go somewhere else and evolve as a writer, then come back if you actually get interesting. Then after a couple of months you can reveal who you are and we’ll all be amazed. Till then, I’ll keep praying for your death.

Spelling definitions and other things…
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 01:15 PM EST
Okay buddy, I can ignore comments of the obnoxious sort until I get home to my computer to add to my column coming out on Wednesday but do you really think i’d let you get away with attempting to show off and not knowing what the fuck you are talking about? Please go to www.dictionary.com and type each and every word you boast is spelled wrong or doesn’t exist and then get back to me on who da bimbo is! And please don’t attempt to correct my work from this point forward.

Thanks,
MyStReSs @>—-

If you can’t handle them…
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 01:19 PM EST
You may be dealing with the wrong man to be able to afford expensive jewelry for you…Don’t think he’s cut out to be a sugar daddy.

I lack the equipment to have a boner.
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 01:26 PM EST
So? Is that a sly way of asking to see them? Maybe at some point… I really appreciate the idea that there is a man out there who things with his head and not his dick. Yes dear Anonymous, I have a respect for you. You aren’t contributing to the STD population. Keep up the good work!
And to answer your question…It’s all about preference. Just like men can be breast men or ass men or legs men, women have different preferences and different body types. I prefer thick to long, but its all about how its used.
XoXo,
MyStReSs @>—

MommaFuckinIrishman SEZ:
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 02:37 PM EST
Good, cause mines like, really really thick. Seriously, if it was any thicker I would probably go to see the Dr about it.

great idea mystress
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 03:23 PM EST
Hey mystress, good idea! guys can be really ignorant. i think it’s funny sometimes how little they understand about women. i don’t are though, as long as they’re willing to learn.

too bad you got the idea first. oh well, you’re offering them porn. you know they won’t pass that one up.

good luck with your column. i’ll make sure to affirm what you tell the boys if there’s any doubt, lol.

thanks for remembering me, ppl! and I thought I hadn’t made any mark on Scotsmanality

~Whit

I’m not the average girl…
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:16 PM EST
Sorry I’m a bother…you don’t have to read the column or bite the carrot.

Good Idea….
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:18 PM EST
Thanks
@>—-

save your money…
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:21 PM EST
Most are thicker than longer. More enjoyable ;o) No need for a doctor…

great idea mystress
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:22 PM EST
Thanks Whit…nice to have a friend.

@>—-

great idea mystress
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:30 PM EST
can we be internet bf and bf?

I HAV QUESTION
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:31 PM EST
MYSTRESS I HAVE A QUESTION I WAS WITH MY BITCH AND I WAS SHOVING THE DICK IN HER AT OVER 500 MPH UNTIL THE PUSSY WAS SPITTING OUT BLOOD AND SPUNK ALL OVER THE PLACE AND IT WAS MAKIN A VERY WEIRD NOISE UNTIL I REALIZE MY GF IS DEAD

QUESTION – IS THIS BAD

I HAV QUESTION
Authored by: Mistress jen on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:43 PM EST
not if you’re into nercomance..

I HAV QUESTION
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:48 PM EST
Wow, you’re funny buddy. Try to at least be original next time, faggot.

I HAV QUESTION
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 10:09 PM EST
You have problems…there is no help for you. Please pick up nearest weapon and take yourself out of this world.

If you can’t handle them…
Authored by: Dr. Mort on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 11:11 PM EST
I don’t know, Keith is a big time author now, the royalties have got to be rolling in, he could afford some jewellery and a nice dress for A-Well, maybe even some new shoes, go get ‘em tiger!

I lack the equipment to have a boner.
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Wednesday, January 15 2003 @ 02:40 PM EST
like a great man once said “its not the size its how u use it”

Mystress
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Wednesday, January 15 2003 @ 08:42 PM EST
Good idea, Mystress.

She looks Russian to me.

-3Hns1 ..

Mystress
Authored by: Stixx on Saturday, January 17 2004 @ 06:17 AM EST
I’m leaving a comment because it’s fun. That is all.

—
Team Whiskers: We start what we finished.

Written by Scotsman, fucking years ago

At the request of Taff, heres some classic Scotsman.

Scots went through the Smackdown: Shut Your Mouth Career mode to see if he could take netcop himself, Scott Keit, to the top of the WWE.

What would his moveset be? Would he have his own five moves of doom? Would he even be able to last five moves without going down winded?

All this and more in some Classic Scotsman!

[Continue...]