Welcome to a very special edition of RAW, where the WWE takes a match that could headline any given PPV and gives it to us for free! I’m not complaining, mind you. This is gonna be fucking awesome.
We’re live and… we’re opening with the steel cage match? This is a main event, people. There had better be some interesting motherfucking booking for the rest of the night.
GUITAR THRASH!!!! CM Punk enters! We also get some video recaps of Unforgiven, which… y’know… we saw that last week, guys.
5 4 3 2 1 BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!!!!!!! Jericho enters. Cole manages to use Jericho’s entrance time to… verbally fellate Batista, of course. Fucking Cole. Get a room, you asshole.
MATCH TIME! Punk v. Jericho for the World Heavyweight Championship in a steel cage match. Punk starts out in control. He irish whips Jericho into the corner, and Jericho uses the momentum to get up on the ropes and start climbing the cage. That was pretty funny. Punk catches up with him and brawls him off the cage, then tries to climb out himself. Jericho recovers enough to pull him down, but back down and fighting again and it’s still Punk in control. He tries a Go 2 Sleep on Jericho, which Jericho breaks, so Punk throws him into the cage. The match is heating up, so of course now is a good time to go to commercials, right? What’s that? Really bad time, actually? Too bad. Commercials now.
We’re back and, by ironclad WWE law, Jericho is now in control since he wasn’t before the commercials. We’re shown that we missed the cage door getting broken open during the breaks. Fuckers, we would have liked to see that. Jericho puts Punk in the Walls of Jericho. Punk crawls towards the open cage door. If he wins WHILE IN THE WALLS, it’ll be funny as FUCK. Punk crawls and crawls, and gets both hands on the floor. Then he gets one foot free! Then Jericho slams the cage door on Punk. Ow. So much for that. The offense goes back and forth for a while, and then Jericho takes advantage of a dazed Punk to go ring-climbing. Punk catches up with Jericho and they set up Punk attempting a GTS off the cage, which would have been the best fucking spot ever, but Jericho breaks it and they both go flopping down. Punk gets a near fall but Jericho breaks. Jericho throws Punk into the cage and goes climbing again. Hey, Jericho? The door’s easier and it’s already open, dude. Punk gets up and chases down Jericho again, naturally, and then gives Jericho an electric chair off the top rope. Dude. Jericho. Seriously. TRY THE DOOR. Punk goes for the door, because he is smart. Jericho catches him, pulls him back, and climbs over him. Punk’s having none of that and pulls Jericho back, and now they’re brawling at the cage door. Punk slams Jericho against the cage twice, then headbutts him, and Jericho… falls out of the cage. What a fucking bullshit ending.
Backstage so we can see Batista watching the match on TV and Cole can stroke himself to a frenzy at the sight of his beloved. Commercials now. The commercials, it’s pretty assured, will at least end better than the fucking match did.
We’re back and Shawn Michaels pimps the Red Cross for Ike relief. I won’t make a joke there.
Okay, backstage and Adamle’s talking to… some fucking blonde. Dunno. Then some dude who’s a new hire introduces himself to Adamle and the blonde, but I don’t really catch his name. Dolph or something? Then Jericho shows up and Adamle tells him “Okay, let’s talk about what you’re doing at No Mercy” and Jericho tells him “fucker you have put me through quite enough already, let’s go to your office so I can ream you out verbally some more.”
Backstage and KANE. IS. WEARING. HIS. MASK. OHHHHHHHHH FUCK. Kane says that years ago, he was forced to unmask, but the truth is he’s never forced into anything. He took the mask off in a bid for acceptance, but it hasn’t worked. Everywhere he goes, people point. People stare. They’re repulsed by him, and you know what? The feeling is mutual! Rey, on the other hand, still wears his mask, but we love him. Kane is fucking mad about that. He then launches into an “everyone wears masks” rant, so we’re moving this thing from a Rey-specific feud into Kane pretty much hating all of humanity.
Kane’s escalating lunacy rant is interrupted by… EVAN BOURNE! Holy shit! Bourne sticks up for Rey Mysterio and tells Kane that Rey’s gonna kick his ass, then walks away unscathed. Because Evan Bourne has brass motherfucking balls and is incredible.
We see that Jillian’s in the ring singing “Hound Dog” and then we go to commercials. We’re told when we come back it’s Candice v. Jillian. Anyone really care if I don’t recap that?
Okay, so, Candice enters. Beth’s walking right behind her but she just walks around to sit by the announcer’s desk. Blah blah blah Candice wins. She gets a named finisher, though. The “Candy Wrapper”. Jesus. After the match, Candice taunts Beth into the ring, but then kicks her as soon as she’s on the ropes. Wake me when it’s… oh, right, it’s over. Well, wake me anyway, because that was boring. Commercials. That won’t help.
Bells ring, cows moo, and John “Charlie Haas got more over with my gimmick in 10 minutes than I did in 10 years” Layfield enters. Big pissy baby’s still mad about the CHL thing. Lawler and Cole go all current events on us and tell us JBL’s also pissed because he lost a couple million bucks in the stock market earlier today. Good touch.
BADUMP BADUMP… oh, Tommy. Tommy, no. Not like this. Tommy Dreamer enters, the poor unloved bastard.
MATCH TIME! JBL v. Tommy Dreamer. Total squash match. JBL wins, then goes and gets a chair. First he hits Tommy with it, then he sets it up in the middle of the ring, gets a mic, and sits down. Oh boy, it’s promo time with JBL! When JBL sits down he has a horrendous muffin top over the tights. You’ve been back in the ring long enough, JBL. Get fucking back in shape.
Anyway, JBL says he won’t leave the ring until Adamle makes him the #1 contender. Silly JBL, Batista is the eternal #1 contender. He won’t ever win, but he’s still gonna be the #1 contender… actually, come to think of it, he’s a lot like you that way. Commercials.
We’re back and the amazing inflating Texan is still in the ring blathering on. He says he owns several homes. Is that a McCain burn? Man, if there’s a guy who’s Republican through and through…
I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD!!!! Orton is here to try and lend JBL some charisma, I guess. Orton starts in on his “all the champions suck” theme again. The crowd chants for Orton to RKO JBL. Ha. Orton says that while he didn’t like CM Punk, JBL would hardly be an improvement. Watch it there, Orton, that’s dangerously close to a face turn. More talk from Randy about how no matter who’s champion when he comes back, he’ll take them on to restore some credibility to
SANTINO MUSIC! Santino and Beth enter, toting their belts. Santino wants to know who Orton thinks he is, insulting him and Beth. Unlike Randy Orton, they are champions. Unlike Randy Orton, they are L.T. (I’m guessing he means healthy there.) Randy, says Santino, you are always injury. Just like his daddy. The fans, who have been WHAT-ing along, sorta figure out what Santino said with a bit of a delay and go OOOOOOH after the fact. Santino rags on Randy’s dad wearing a cast for six years. Santino’s dad was always healthy… well, except for the herpes, but he managed that quite well! So in conclusion, Santino wants Randy to ‘pologize. Orton’s all “fuck that”, and then JBL wants an apology too.
JBL says Randy shouldn’t apologize to Mr. and Mr. Phoenix (ooooooh, burn), he should apologize to JBL. Then he goes on about how he ought to be #1 contender. Stuff a sock in it, assclown.
GUITAR CHORDS! Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! Batista enters, ready and eager to defend his perpetual #1 contendership. Man, I was all psyched when Batista got drafted back to RAW, but I’m already so goddamn sick of him. He’s got that one “challenging for the belt” schtick and nothing else and I’m bored with him. Anyway, Batista says that before he beats the hell out of everyone in the ring (the crowd likes that idea), he wants to say that everyone in the ring is pathetic. Then he veers wildly into political commentary, first slagging on politicians in general and then using the Republican’s manufactured outrage over Obama using the “lipstick on a pig” saying to insult Beth Phoenix. Beth and Santino do not appreciate Beth being called a pig (and Batista totally was calling her one with that line), and Santino says that even though Beth sometimes squeals, she’s not a pig! Ha! Batista calls Santino “Kermit”. Ha again! Batista proposes a #1 contender match with JBL tonight. And when he wins that, he’s gonna beat Chris Jericho at No Mercy. And when he wins that, he’s gonna keep beating guys and beating guys and oh, oh damn it, somebody get Cole a change of pants. He couldn’t take the mental picture. Cole-insulting aside, Batista says he’ll keep winning until Randy gets his doctor’s note (HA!) and then he’ll beat Orton too. Damn, Batista’s showing some spark on the mic tonight. Santino is all “aren’t you forgetting someone?”, which is just BEGGING for a spear. Instead Batista says Santino’s right, he’s sorry… when Batista is champion, Beth can have a title match any time she wants. HA YET AGAIN! What got into Batista?
JBL cuts Batista off all “Listen to me” and Batista says he’s tired of listening to JBL. You and me both, Big Dave.
Adamle, up on the Titantron says he’ll announce who the #1 contender is after the Rey/Kane match. Batista says he’s gonna plead his case now and starts beating on JBL. Santino foolishly gets into the brawl and gets a spinebuster for it. JBL retreats. Beth, pissed off, slaps Batista and gets right up in his face. Another slap. Batista yells OWWWWWWW! and then tries to walk away. Beth says she’s not finished with him and keeps on provoking Batista. This turns out to be enough to get him just pissed enough to no longer care about hitting a girl, and Beth gets spinebustered too. Batista exits with Glamarella laid out side-by-side and we go to commercials.
PRICELESS! We’re back as the 2nd gen stable enters. It’s a 3-man tag match, apparently.
SOS! Kofi enters! Go Kofi go!
KINGLY MUSIC! Jerry Lawler? JERRY THE KING LAWLER HOLY SHIT! Lawler’s wrestling!
MARCHING BAND! JIM ROSS ENTERS! Wait! No! Better! JIM HAAS ENTERS! With a pillow under his Sooners jersey! And cowboy hat and glasses! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOLY FUCK GO HAAS GO! Haas has a mic and starts off with a rousing “Boomer sooner” to the crowd. Lawler is cracking the fuck up, by the way. I can’t blame him. Haas manages to get two Lawler catchphrases in one sentence, saying that business is gonna pick up for a slobberknocker of a match. HA! Then he shills the barbeque sauce. Very funny, Haas. Very, very funny.
MATCH TIME! Priceless v. Kofi and Jerry Lawler and Jim Haas. Kofi and Manu start off, but tags shift it to Cody vs. Lawler. Lawler’s looking good, but I’m sure a lot of that is Cody helping wherever he can. Haas has… now wandered off to the announce table. He picks up a headset and yells STOOOOOONE COLD AT PAY PER VIEW into the mic. Haas rules. Haas heads back ringside and gets tagged in. He’s lost the hat and glasses but is wrestling in his jersey with the bigass padding. I can’t describe how hilarious this is. Haas actually looks really good move-wise, too. He gets a 2 count on Cody that’s broken up by Manu and TDJ. TDJ gets tagged in, Lawler and Kofi clear Cody and Manu off, but TDJ pins Haas. Awww, Haas loses.
After the SmackDown Rebound, we see Jericho in the locker room. JBL comes up to try and butter him up, but Jericho says he hasn’t forgotten JBL costing him the title last year against Orton. Wow, that happened way more than 3 months ago, I’m surprised it hasn’t been utterly forgotten. Jericho gets in another crack about the stock market crashing, which… knock it off, WWE. I’m watching pro wrestling here, give me my fucking escapism. Anyway, Jericho tells JBL to fuck off and we go to commercials.
We’re back and we get a quick video recap of last week’s Regal/Noble “Layla is a dirty whore” match, so the competitors here shouldn’t be any surprise.
JAMIE MUSIC! Here’s Jamie, so…
HARSH GUITARS! Not Regal? Huh. Paul Burchill instead, accompanied by Katie Lea. We’re moving the Burchills back to the “Regal’s thugs” role, then? That’s probably wise. Way better than incest would have been.
MATCH TIME! Noble v. Paul Burchill. It’s a quick match, and Jamie wins. By submission, no less! Huh.
“Pardon me, pardon me,” as Layla walks out from backstage. She says last week was a truly difficult decision. She’s sorry, she really is… sorry that it took her so long to get rid of Noble. Bitch! She’s with Regal now. And is a cheating bitch. Well, she is.
REGAL MUSIC as Regal strolls backstage to join Layla. He says she didn’t want Noble, she wanted nobility. They walk backstage and Jamie looks pissed to hell. Hey, Jamie’s sorta getting a push here, isn’t he? Good for him!
Backstage and Adamle’s talking to Cade when Batista busts in asking if he’s the #1 contender. Cade gives him some lip, so Batista slams him into a door. That’s the end of that segment. Killing time against Monday Night Football, boys? (McNabb fucking choked, by the way. Great game, but McNabb FUCKING CHOKED.) Commercials.
BRIMSTONE! We’re back and Kane’s entering, maskless. Guess he just put it on to prove a point. Or to give the smarks something to flip out about. Or both.
BOOYAKA BOOYAKA!!!!! Crowd goes nuts for Reyrey! There’s a kid against the ramp wearing a Rey mask. Rey gives him not only a hug, but the literal shirt off his back. Rey is pretty awesome to the mask-wearing dudes.
MATCH TIME! Kane v. Rey Mysterio. Man, Rey is like half of Kane’s size. It’s pretty basic big guy vs. little guy match pyschology to start. When Rey can get around Kane’s attacks he tries some attacks, but he can’t do any throws and whenever Kane connects Rey’s just getting flattened. We go to commercials after a few short minutes, with nobody really in control. Rey’s in the ring and Kane’s out of it, so I’m guessing Kane in control when we get back?
Yep, we come back to Kane having Rey in a headlock. So very predictable, bookers. You might wanna look into mixing that shit up. Kane’s keeping control now and no-selling any of Rey’s attempts to put in some offense as he throws Rey all over the damn place. The crowd starts a 619 chant to get Rey back into it, and it works as he gets some kicks in followed by an actual slam (okay, off-balancing) of Kane. With Kane dazed, Rey goes top rope but gets caught. Nothing comes of it, so Rey enziguris Kane, leaving him sprawled on the middle rope. Rey goes running for the 619 only to catch a massive clothesline. Rey ends up sprawled in the corner getting stomped again and again until the ref stops the match. Kane wins by ref stoppage.
After the match, Kane drags Rey to the middle of the ring and tries to unmask him. That’s been done, Kane. However, he’s stopped by… EVAN MOTHERFUCKING BOURNE WOOOOOOOOOOOO! Bourne and Rey literally trade off high-flying moves on Kane. Bourne dropkicks Kane twice, Rey does it. Bourne goes off the top rope on Kane, Rey copies. It’s like they’re playing HORSE. With Kane stomped down, Rey and Bourne exit triumphantly. You’ve made a powerful enemy, this day, Evan Bourne… but it means you’re gonna be sticking around RAW since now you’re feuding with Kane, so I gotta say I’m thrilled. We see Jericho and Cade walking around backstage and then it’s commercials time.
5 4 3 2 1 BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN! Jericho and Cade enter. Jericho gets on the mic and first thanks Adamle for listening to his opinion. In Jericho’s opinion, neither JBL nor Batista are worthy of the championship. I’m with Jericho on this one. Jericho suggested to Adamle that JBL and Batista should face each other at No Mercy and he’ll fight the winner of that match immediately afterwards. And you might think that’s not very fair, well, Jericho wrestled two matches at Unforgiven and came away the champion, so they can do it too. Anyway, that’s his suggestion.
Up on the entrance ramp, Adamle says Jericho’s suggestion is more than fair. However, he’s gonna modify Jericho’s plan a bit. See, he can’t have challengers fight more than one match a night, so while JBL and Batista will face each other, they’ll then face the champion on the following night. Jericho’s all “the champion? I’m the champion, they’ll face me!” Jericho is quick on the uptake but not quite quick enough. Adamle says he’s got to put on a championship match at No Mercy, and well, someone came to him with an idea that was so exciting he couldn’t pass it up. Oh, Adamle, no. Last time you did this we got the fucking scramble. This idea, however, is a good one. It’s a ladder match! And Jericho’s opponent will be… Shawn Michaels.
Well! This ought to be good, no?
) to jump to 8th place overall.
