NPP Fantasy Football Week 7

Manager Results
After a week off due to World Cup Qualifiers where England narrowly defeated Boratland 5-1, Scotland managed one of the most comical attempts to score ever, and Australia was dominant against football superpowers Qatar, it’s time to get back to the weekly grind of club football in the NPP Fantasy Football League.

Going back to the last round of fixtures, and the surprise winner for the week was CliffX, whose team managed 133 points for the week. I say surprising as CliffX is only in 8th place overall. However, he has the same number of weekly wins as competition leader Hamass. Check it out!

Week 1 – Dirty Hun
Week 2 – Hamass
Week 3 – CliffX
Week 4 – Catmando
Week 5 – Hamass (2)
Week 6 – robelgordo
Week 7 – CliffX (2)

I imagine this makes Cliff X’s Seeds of Hatred squad somewhat like the team that plays breathtaking football on their day, but is prone to inconsistency and bad results. Like 1990s Chelsea or Newcastle or something. Meanwhile Hamass’s team is like the classic (boring, boring) Arsenal. Nobody wants to watch his team (or in this case, hear about it) but it inevitably gets the positive results… like this week, where Hamass finished only 8 points behind Cliff X, and therefore extended his lead on everyone else.

Hamass is now 46 points ahead of Catmando overall, with yours truly in 3rd place. The best of the rest is Dirty Hun, Taff’s imaginary girlfriend is smashing Taff, while kender is at the foot of the table. That about sums it up, but you can consult the table below for more information.

Upcoming Fixtures
This could be important for tinkering with your starting XI!!! Note since this is RoTW football, the dates are listed the correct, RoTW way of day-month-year, the times are listed the correct, RoTW way of Greenwich mean time (GMT), while the home team is listed the correct, RoTW way of first rather than last.

18/10/2008
12:45 Middlesbrough vs Chelsea
15:00 Aston Villa vs Portsmouth
15:00 Fulham vs Sunderland
15:00 Bolton Wanderers vs Blackburn Rovers
15:00 Arsenal vs Everton
15:00 Liverpool vs Wigan
17:30 Manchester United vs West Bromwich Albion

19/10/2008
15:00 Hull City vs West Ham United
16:00 Stoke City vs Tottenham Hotspur

20/10/2008
20:00 Newcastle United vs Manchester City

Since Taff appears to have abandoned his weekly Premier League recap (the fact it took me six weeks to notice might explain why), in future weeks I’ll use this section to discuss some other football stuff. Maybe even with guest commentary. By experts! Like err, Taff.

View From Of A Manager
This week instead of a View From A Manager, I decided to get a View Of A Manager. So I scoured the Internets to find out what the masses think about NPP’s leading manager Hamass. And “roy” at http://eatfoodball.blogspot.com had some interesting comments to make about Hamass’s dealings in the transfer market…

Hamass has been managing Manchester United since 1986. He will always be famous for the incredible treble in 1999 as well as the great amount of trophies that he won both at Aberdeen and Manchester United. In addition, another legacy he will leave behind when he finally leave will be the youth system that he established and the number of players who graduated the youth system and managed to establish a career in the upper echelon of football even contributing a whole group of players for the England national team.

However this article is going to look at his top transfer dealing over the years. Throughout his time at Manchester United, he has always been willing to pay the top dollars for players he feel are at the top of the game. For examples, he paid a British record fee of 3.75 million for Roy keane from Nottingham Forest, he paid 28.1 million for Veron from Inter and 31 million for Wayne Rooney just to name a few examples.

I will be accessing the effectiveness of his big money transfer signings and the way he let these players go.

The first one I will be looking at is Gary Pallister who was bought from Middlesbrough at a British transfer record fee of 2.3 million. He started off inauspiciously by having a terrible game on his debut. However he went on from strength to strength and eventually became a key figure in the defence and went on to win a number of premier league titles, FA cups, a league cup and the cup winner cup. He was allowed to leave in a dignified manner when he was no longer at the top of his game.

The next player is Roy Keane. He was bought from Nottingham Forest at 3.75 million which broke the British transfer fee. He fitted perfectly into the role of the defensive midfield and replaced the legendary Bryan Robson and formed the fulcrum of Manchester United midfield for nearly a decade. During his time with the red devil, he won many trophies and was even appointed the captain of the red devil for a number of years. He was widely recognised as the best defensive midfielder in the premier league for a number of years. Although eventually he left manu due to comments he made about the team but I felt that Hamass was correct in letting him go at that time for two reasons. Physically Keane’ physically was not able to maintain his high standard of play and secondly it was necessary to do that for the team spirit to remain.

After these two buys, Hamass did not made a big money signing until the 1998-1999 season, when he made Jaap Stam the most expensive dutch player in history when he purchase him from PSV. He was instructional in Manu winning the treble as he was the rock in Manu defence. He was a key member in the team till Hamass got rid of him partly due to the autobiography that he wrote. Up to this day, in my opinion I feel getting rid of Jaap Stam was a poor decision as he did not have a replacement for him. He tried to get Laurent Blanc but it was a failure. Other defenders have been used in that position to cover that gap but none have been near the standard. Only recently Vidic looks like someone who defends in the same style as him. A no nonsense defender who relishes defending.

The next two big buys that he made during the 2001-2002 season, to push Manu to win for the second time the Champion League, had contrasting degree of effect on Manu. In April 2001, Hamass made the first of two big money signing who is Ruud Van Nisterooy for a then British record transfer fee of 19 million pounds. In the summer, he bought Veron from Lazio for 28.1 million pounds which surpassed the transfer of Ruud.

The arrival of Veron with his style of play in Hamass opinion was the missing component to winning the Champion League which till today is his largest ambition. However it did not go as plan. The English game was too fast pace and physical for his style of football which was more suited for a slower tempo. He did alright in the Champion League but eventually Hamass decided that he was not going to be really a key player in his team and decided to let him talk to Chelsea. He left Manu for half of the transfer fee that Manu had bought him. In my opinion, he was one of the rare big money signing which did not work out. I felt Hamass overpaid for him and he also did not consider the implication that Veron style of play is not suited for the high octane premier league.

Ruud on the other hand can be considered to be a great buy even at 19 million pounds. He was a pure goal scoring machine. He broke a number of scoring record at both Manu and in the English Premier League. In the eyes of many Manu fans, he was considered Hamass best buy. He had a good relationship with Hamass until the 2005- 2006 season. Even though he was the top scorer at the club but a number of his goals at that time were via penalty. In addition, he also developed a tendancy to fall around the penalty box which fustrated his team mates at time. In my opinion, he was agreat signing but I felt Hamass let him go mainly because he wanted Manu focal point to be Rooney instead of Ruud. In addition, he wanted Manu to play a more flowing style of football where the center forward will sometime fall back and allow the winger to push ahead of them before they come back into the penalty box. Whether the sales of Ruud will prove to be a poor choice or not will depend on how Manu does over the next few season.

The last big money signing to look at is Rooney. Hamass paid another record amount of money for him. With regard to the purchase of Rooney, he is paying more for the potential that he will develop into rather than a finish article. In the last two to three years, Hamass has been considering on building a new team with the two focal points as Rooney and Ronaldo. In my opinion, he could be a great signing but it depends whether he is able to fully develop his talent to the fullest.

In general, if we are looking at the big money signing that Hamass has paid in his time, the majority are great success with only one noticeable disappointment in Veron. However his record with the lower profile signing has not been that great. That will be my next article.

Good points, well made.

If anyone would like to give their view as a manager, or perhaps even their view of another manager as young Roy has done, please get in touch in the next week or so.

In the meantime, good luck this weekend. May your players make 578975 clearances and 2379 tackles.

Week 6 has mercifully come to a close and Osiris and n00b are the co-winners of the week with 9 correct picks each. This has moved n00b out of last place in the overall standings while Osiris closes his gap on first place to 7 points and moves to 13th place. Two of the three overall leaders from last week, Kender and nateeasy, continue to share the lead at 57 points moving two points ahead of Hamass who is now tied for third with robelgordo and HRH.

The bottom of the weekly leaderboard has a five way tie for last place with manbooba, Shaft, Taff, CliffX and last week’s co-winner, Scotsman all getting only 5 correct picks. Both Mallard, another co-winner from last week, and Dr. Mort did not make picks and get stuck with 3 points.

WEEK 6 FUN FACTS

Two teams were picked unanimously this week and they were both wrong as everyone incorrectly picked the Redskins over the Rams and the Giants over the Browns. The most correctly picked games were New Orleans over Oakland (all but Rookie Monster) and Philadelphia over San Francisco (all but Hamass).

WEEK 6 RESULTS

1. Osiris – 9
1. n00b – 9
3. SoP – 8
3. buckdiddy – 8
3. nateeasy – 8
3. Boner – 8
3. HRH – 8
3. Kender – 8
3. Tucho – 8
3. Cheekbone – 8
3. PeteMoss – 8
3. daycru – 8
13. YRD – 7
13. viceroy – 7
13. robelgordo – 7
13. Rookie Monster – 7
13. tron – 7
18. loosejonnyt – 6
18. JoeyAt75 – 6
18. Dirty Hun – 6
18. Hamass – 6
22. manbooba – 5
22. Scotsman – 5
22. Shaft – 5
22. Taff – 5
22. CliffX – 5
27. Mallard – 3
27. Dr. Mort – 3

OVERALL

1. Kender – 57
1. nateeasy – 57
3. Hamass – 55
3. robelgordo – 55
3. HRH – 55
6. Cheekbone – 53
7. YRD – 52
7. viceroy – 52
7. Shaft – 52
10. SoP – 51
10. PeteMoss – 51
10. CliffX – 51
13. Osiris – 50
13. buckdiddy – 50
13. daycru – 50
16. Boner – 49
16. JoeyAt75 – 49
16. manbooba – 49
19. Tucho – 48
19. Taff – 48
21. Rookie Monster – 47
21. Dr. Mort – 47
23. Scotsman – 45
24. n00b – 44
24. Dirty Hun – 44
26. tron – 43
26. loosejonnyt – 43
26. Mallard – 43

WEEK 7 SCHEDULE

San Diego at Buffalo
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Minnesota at Chicago
Tennessee at Kansas City
New Orleans at Carolina
San Francisco at NY Giants
Baltimore at Miami
Dallas at St. Louis
Detroit at Houston
Indianapolis at Green Bay
NY Jets at Oakland
Cleveland at Washington
Seattle at Tampa Bay
Denver at New England

After a few weeks of inactivity, I managed to have a more productive week for the achievement challenge this week, although I still didn’t manage to play as many games as I could.  Actually time this week was extremely limited, however thankfully I prevailed, and have made great steps towards the completion of this challenge.

Splinter Cell Double Agent: Another game to add to my completed list, as I went through and beat this early in the week.  You can read my thoughts about it in my blog .  I beat the game, which got me achievements for beating the following levels: Cozumel, HQ3, Kinshasha, Defeated the JBA.  I also got the best ending – Hero, as I saved Lambert and Hisham, which were also achievements.  I also collected all gadgets and used my EMP pistol to turn off lights 20 times for Human Light Switch achievement.  End result?  550 gamerscore points, and another game on the completed list!

Lego Batman: Still haven’t played this, so it’s still all Mason.  I might try and blow through it soon though, as I’m really getting an itch to spend some time with my beloved 360.  Mason completed the second villain episode for the Super-villain achievement, and gave a backbreaker to Bane as Batman, for Atomic Backbreaker achievement.  Current score: 160.

Assassins Creed: Had a buddy over the other night, and he was curious about this game so we broke it out.  As expected it got repetitive, but overall it is still a fun game, and as long as I do a mission a week I’ll be fine.  While fucking about, we found the traitor and got The Punishment for Treason achievement, and killed Tamir for The Blood of the Corrupt Merchant .  Current score: 105.

Superman Returns: Played a bit more of this, and should have it on the completed list by next week.  I picked up at least 100 cars for the Roadside Assistance achievement, and defeated Bizzaro for Me aM savE yOU! .  Current score: 340.

Perfect Dark Zero & Viva Pinata: I discussed these with Brando, and thankfully we’re in the same position.  We both paid $4 each for these, due to a Dell.ca pricing error .  The point of this whole challenge was to get my moneys worth out of all the games I had purchased.  Have I got my moneys worth out of PD0?  For $4, yes, definitely.  Me, Brando and Risto spent many hours playing multiplayer after buying it, and it was a lot of fun.  What about Viva Pinata?  Well the wife got hours of entertainment out of it, so I consider both money well spent, and myself and Brando will be removing them from our lists.  Basically I COULD get 500 in each of them, but it requires a lot of time doing mundane shit – for example in PD0 I’d have to sit there and headshot like 10,000 different guys etc.  So yeah, got the moneys worth already, and removing them from my list.

Far Cry: I bought this game back when I first got my 360.  It was 2 for $25 at Best Buy – so I got this and Fight Night Round 3.  In all this time, it has sat sealed in a box and not once been opened.  As I have so many other games to play, especially first person shooters, I really had no need for this game.  So I ended up selling it for $12 last week.  So another game off the list.

Lets look at the list now that it has been cleaned up:

CURRENT GAMES STILL TO DO:

(Current points in parenthesis)

1. Assassins Creed (105) +45
2. Burnout Revenge (115)
3. Call of Duty 2 (0)
4. Call of Duty 4 (50)
5. Civilization: Revolution (345)
7. Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter (125)
   
8. Lego Batman (160) +145
10. Shrek The Third (0)
11. Superman Returns (340) +130
12. Tiger Woods 09 (155)
    

Oh yes – that list looks a LOT more manageable.  it still won’t be easy – but I have made a lot of progress, and with 11 weeks left am feeling a lot more confident.  Honestly looking at that list I only have two real concerns – Burnout Revenge and Call of Duty 2.  Burnout Revenge is a game Brando says will be impossible to beat, and he has put a lot of time into it so he knows better than me.  Also Call of Duty 2 I have to beat a good few levels on Veteran, and from everything I have read that is gonna be insanely hard – especially as I am not exactly an expert at FPS games.  But we’ll see.

The only other games I expect to add to that list before December are Fallout 3, Gears of War 2, Saints Row 2 and Call of Duty 5.

ACHIEVEMENT TARGET HIT:

1. Bioshock (910)
2. Blitz: The League (520)
3. Bully (1000)
4. Burnout Paradise (500)
5. Cars (1000)
6. Crackdown (535)
7. Dark Sector (620)
8. Dead Rising (520)
9. Fight Night Round 3 (1000)
10. Gears of War (520)
11. Kameo (610)
12. Karaoke Revolution: American Idol Encore Edition: (520)
13. King Kong (1000)
14. Lego Indiana Jones (920)
15. Lego Star Wars (900)
16. Madden 2008 (880)
17. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance (830)
18. NBA 2K8 (880)
19. NHL 2008 (575)
20. Open Season (1000)
21. Rainbow Six: Vegas (500)
22. Saints Row (500)
23. Scene It (595)
24. Splinter Cell: Double Agent (550) +270
25. Stuntman:Ignition (505)
26. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1000)
27. Tetris Evolution: (515)
28. The Darkness (795)
29. The Outfit (655)
30. The Simpsons Game (845)
31. The Spiderwick Chronicles (1000)
32. Tomb Raider: Legend (560)
33. UEFA Euro 2008 (505)
34. WWE: Smackdown vs RAW 2007 (650)

Yikes – my last official update on this week is about 3 weeks old, September 15th to be exact.  Those who read the forums or my blog may have an idea of what happened – I had a gambling convention in Niagara Falls.  As soon as that ended my mom was over for two weeks.  And as soon as she was gone I was heading out the door for a week in Barcelona, part pleasure, part business.  Trip report coming soon.

So I’ve just been very busy – with all that, and work as well, and haven’t had the chance to even play 360 much at all over the past few weeks.  The last update was Week 37- and we’re now on Week 40, as of yesterday.  So 12 more weeks left until the challenge is over – how the fuck am I doing?  Let us see….

Lego Batman: YEP! Another fucking new game to add to the list.  I have barely even played this yet – Mason has though.  He slammed 20 goons into the floor for the Eat Floor…High Fiber achievement.  He also completed a level in co-op(Sidekick), got the Super Hero achievement by beating the second Hero episode, built 50 Lego build-its for Super Builder, defeated Catwoman 9 times for Who Needs Curiosity?, and built the croc ride on for the Make It Snappy achievement.  I have no idea what those all mean, but he is at 115 gamerscore points just now and hopefully can get us up to 500!

Splinter Cell – Double Agent: This one has been sitting on my shelf for a LONG time, and I finally got in the mood to play it, and am glad I did.  It is fun, and not as trial-and-error annoying as the first game in the series.  I’ve beaten the following levels already: both training, Iceland, Ellsworth, HQ 1 & 2, Okhotsk and Shangai.  About halfway done the game I believe.  I’ve also knocked out 5 enemies with non-lethal gadgets for Getting Technical, beat a mission without being detected for The Invisible Man, and played a quick game online which got me the Recruit achievement.  I should beat that game this week, which will HOPEFULLY put me over 500.  I haven’t looked at the achievement list yet though, so no clue.

Dead Rising: What an awesome game – and even awesomer because I basically got over 500 on my first playthrough.  Since the last update I broke at least 100 items, defeated 5 psychopaths, covered distance of 26.2 miles, photographed 10 survivors, defeated 10 psychopaths, photographed zombie Jessie, defeated 10 special forces soldiers, fired 1000 bullets, didn’t miss with a machine gun, jumped a car 33 feet, defeated 10,000 zombies, survived 72 hours, unveiled all cases and got overtime mode, got 10 & 20 survivors out of mall, jumped a motorcycle 33 feet, walked over 33 feet on the backs of zombies, got the true ending without being knocked out, got the true ending, got 50 target markets with my camera and placed novelty masks on at least 10 zombies.  WHEW.  That was a hell of a run on sentence, but it was worth it because I get to add this awesome game to my completed list, and also have this awesome song added to my Itunes playlist:

Seriously – I cannot get enough of that fucking song.

Lego Indiana Jones: It’s the “All Mason” show again.  He performed 150 whip grabs, 250 whip swings and mechanics repair ability 50 times.  At 920 in the game, and we’ll probably get 1000 soon enough.

Superman Returns: In the space between my mom leaving and me going to Barcelona I decided to pick this up and just play it for a bit.  It’s one of those games that COULD be cool – but really, really isn’t.  Anyway i beat the first three levels for the Armageddon Averted, Warworld and Metallo Mastered achievements.  I also performed 99 fighting combos for the Versatile Fighter achievement.

At this stage I’ve got 14 games left to go.  I’m going to set the lofty goal of attempting to beat Splinter Cell, Superman and Ghost Recon by the next update on Monday.  Wish me luck!

CURRENT GAMES STILL TO DO:

(Current points in parenthesis)

1. Assassins Creed (60)
2. Burnout Revenge (115)
3. Call of Duty 2 (0)
4. Call of Duty 4 (50)
5. Civilization: Revolution (345)
6. Far Cry: Predator (0)
7. Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter (125)
   
8. Lego Batman (115) +115
9. Perfect Dark Zero (90)
10. Shrek The Third (0)
11. Splinter Cell: Double Agent (280) +280
12. Superman Returns (210) +210
13. Tiger Woods 09 (155)
14. Viva Pinata (120)

ACHIEVEMENT TARGET HIT:

1. Bioshock (910)
2. Blitz: The League (520)
3. Bully (1000)
4. Burnout Paradise (500)
5. Cars (1000)
6. Crackdown (535)
7. Dark Sector (620)
8. Dead Rising (520) +420
9. Fight Night Round 3 (1000)
10. Gears of War (520)
11. Kameo (610)
12. Karaoke Revolution: American Idol Encore Edition: (520)
13. King Kong(1000)
14. Lego Indiana Jones (920) +60
15. Lego Star Wars (900)
16. Madden 2008 (880)
17. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance (830)
18. NBA 2K8 (880)
19. NHL 2008 (575)
20. Open Season (1000)
21. Rainbow Six: Vegas (500)
22. Saints Row (500)
23. Scene It (595)
24. Stuntman:Ignition (505)
25. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1000)
26. Tetris Evolution: (515)
27. The Darkness (795)
28. The Outfit (655)
29. The Simpsons Game (845)
30. The Spiderwick Chronicles (1000)
31. Tomb Raider: Legend (560)
32. UEFA Euro 2008 (505)
33. WWE: Smackdown vs RAW 2007 (650)

To show solidarity with Chris Jericho, this recap will have one less tooth than usual.

5 4 3 2 1 BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOOWN!!!!! Chris Jericho enters to resounding boos. Jericho has his belt slung over his shoulder and Lillian tells us he’s the World Heavyweight Champion, so in case you were wondering who won last night… yeah, it was Jericho. Jericho’s mouth has a nasty bruise still on it, by the way. That must have hurt like a motherfucker.
Jericho tells us that Adamle is at a meeting with Shane and Steph and thus won’t be at RAW tonight, so as the reigning world champion, Jericho will be acting as interim GM for the night. Well! I’m sure a nice boy like Jericho won’t abuse that power or anything. Jericho brags about winning the match but cops to the fact that HBK did indeed permanently disfigure him, then shows off the broken tooth. We get a nice, lingering closeup on it, too. In HD. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Jericho then goes on about how he’ll always have to see that for the rest of his life which… yeah, no, dude. You’re gonna get the tooth capped and it’ll look normal. Anyway, Jericho says that seeing his broken tooth will make him think of beating Shawn Michaels for the title and it’ll make him smile. Jericho says that while HBK may want revenge, Jericho is through with HBK. He’s got nothing left to prove to him or to the crowd or to anybody. Anyway, tonight it’ll be HBK and Lance Cade in a No DQ Match. Jericho then says he’s the best and most dominant performer in the world today, which is just asking for an Orton run-in.
Y-Y-Y-Y-YYYEAAAAAAAAAHHHH! Nope, it’s Batista instead. Batista beat Mantits last night, so he’s #1 contender. I know, I know. Shocking. Batista says congratulations and then to pick the number. Y2J’s all “whafuck?”, which is a fair question. Batista clarifies that he wants to know how many days until they have their championship match. They tease that they’re gonna have the match tonight, which they’re not, so I’m ignoring the crowd-teasing posturing portion of tonight’s opening promo. Jericho says that he’s gonna make the name Batista synonymous with failure. Well, sure, man — just pick something where all the work’s been done for you. Slacker. Batista doesn’t like that, so he spinebusters Jericho. Number status: not set. We’re told we’re getting Matt Hardy and Rey Mysterio against Mark Henry and Kane later tonight. Then we go to commercials.

We come back with Regal and the Royal Whore by the announcer’s table.
NOBLE MUSIC! Jamie Noble and Mickie James enters. Man, Jamie sure traded up in the girlfriend department.
SANTINO MUSIC! Oh, this should be interesting. Santino and Beth enter. I once again renew my plea for them to not break up, which I think got a little bit teased last night again.
Santino on the mic. He says he’s been criticized for being too ethnic, so he’s been making an effort to become more American. He’s adopted a new favorite NBA team! He takes off his t-shirt to reveal an Oklahoma City Thunder t-shirt. Crowd goes fucking apeshit with disapproval. I get confused, but Cole’s quick on the uptake and tells those of us who don’t keep up with the NBA that the Seattle Supersonics left Seattle for Oklahoma City and became the Thunder this year. As tonight’s RAW is in Seattle, that’d explain why they’re so pissed. Thank you, Cole! With the cheap heat thus generated, we’re ready to start the match.
MATCH TIME! Jamie Noble and Mickie James v. Glamarella. The ladies start us off. Santino tags himself in and we’re told this is a mixed tag match, not an intergender, so Santino being tagged in means Jamie must be tagged in as well. Jamie looks fan-fucking-tastic in the ring. I dunno who he and Haas have been training with, but they’re both starting to show a lot of Rey/Evan Bourne-style moves and getting very impressive. Beth interferes with Jamie from ringside, the ref doesn’t see it, and Santino gets a quick roll-up pin. Beth and Santino celebrate very affectionately (hooray!) until Jamie, pissed out of his mind, charges them. Santino escapes into the audience. Regal charges Noble and gets flipped into the audience himself, but unlike Santino he’s still in the mood to brawl, so he gets right back up and charges Noble again. They brawl shortly before the refs break it up and Noble and Mickie exit.
Backstage and Shawn Michaels is being interviewed. Shawn, what are your thoughts about being forced to compete tonight? Shawn says he’s in a lot of pain and he knows Jericho is too, but of course Jericho’s not gonna compete — he’s just gonna send Cade in to do his dirty work. HBK says he’s “bordering on insanity and hopped up on adrenaline”, which gets a huge pop, which it deserves, because that was a sorta awesome line. Then he says he’s gonna show Jericho he can still compete. Commercials!

SOS! Kofi enters. I love Kofi’s music so much, I really do. It’s my second favorite (behind Santino’s, if you were wondering) of anyone right now.
PRICELESS! All of Team Priceless enters, but only TDJ is announced, so that’d be Kofi’s opponent, then. Kofi complains to the ref about TDJ bringing his buddies ringside, which is fair.
GUITAR THRASH!!!!! CM Punk enters with a bigass huge grin on his face. He must still be thinking about how goddamned funny it was to screw over MVP last night. I know I still am, because that was really fucking funny. Punk is staying ringside to protect Kofi.
MATCH TIME! Kofi v. TDJ. Quick back-and-forth settles into Ted in control. Kofi manages to escape a slam and takes control back. DiBiase irish whips Kofi into the corner and runs at him. Kofi pulls an awesome spot where he fakes like he’s going to just put a boot in TDJ’s way, which makes Ted pull up, so then Kofi grabs the top rope, flips all the way around it vertically, and kicks Ted THAT way. It was cool as hell and my description doesn’t do it justice. Kofi off the top rope onto TDJ, then he clears off Manu. Kofi goes to set up Trouble In Paradise. Cody jumps up on the ropes and Kofi goes at him. Punk clears Cody off, but Kofi’s distracted and TDJ hits him with a Million Dollar Dream into a russian legsweep and that’s good for a pin. Man, faces gotta learn to stop watching the ringside brawls, don’t they? Coming later tonight, a rematch of the #1 contenders match, but with Jericho as special guest ref. Commercials.

We’re back in Adamle’s office. Jericho is talking to somebody about how Batista being #1 contender doesn’t benefit either of them. Camera pulls out to reveal Randy Orton. Jericho says he’s gonna put Orton to work tonight and we cut away. Cole tells us that Cena’s neck surgery was a huge success, which makes me happy. I sorta miss the big lug. We then get a video package about Cena and Batista’s match and Cena’s neck injury.
Backstage for footage of Kane and Mark Henry walking around. They’re interrupted by Dolph Ziggler, who thinks better of introducing himself. Wrestle a fucking match and get a gimmick beyond saying your name, goddamn it! Commercials again. So glad this is recorded.

BOOYAKA BOOYAKA!!! Crowd pops huge for Rey. Giving away shit to fans wearing Rey masks has drastically increased the number of people in the crowd wearing Rey masks, I can’t help but notice. No giveaway tonight.
OHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! Matt Hardy is here. Crowd loves him.
EAT ‘EM UP! (EAT ‘EM UP) HAVE A SNACK! (HAVE A SNACK) Mark Henry enters the ring, and is immediately disappointed to learn that there is no food here. He was promised food!
BRIMSTONE! Kane enters.
MATCH TIME! Rey and Matt Hardy v. Mark Henry and Kane. Rey and Kane start things off but Rey quicky tags in Hardy. Kane beats up Matt a bit and then tags in Henry. He’s too big for Matt Hardy alone, but with teamwork Rey and Matt knock him out of the ring and then give Kane a double dropkick. We go to commercials. I’m guessing Kane in control when we get back.

God DAMN, the commercial break booking is predictable. I’m dead right; we come back to Kane holding Matt in a headlock. Kane tags in Mark Henry, which is a bad move because Hardy has his number and takes control. Rey’s tagged in and kicks the shit out of Henry, but when he goes for a cover Henry flings him like halfway across the ring. Kane follows that up with a cheap shot. Heels tag back and forth with Rey playing defenseless face. Matt Hardy gets the crowd to clap Rey back in and Rey manages to take control, stun Kane, and tag in Hardy. Hardy off the top rope onto Kane, then he goes sliding into Mark Henry’s leg to clear him off. Matt hits a drop toehold on Kane to leave him sprawled on the middle rope. Rey comes running in. 619! Mark Henry grabs Rey and they brawl ringside! Hardy goes up on the top rope, but Mark Henry throws Rey into the ropes, which knocks Matt down… right into a chokeslam from Kane! Kane and Henry win out of nowhere! More commercials.

OOOH OOH SHAWN!!! It’s time for the No DQ match, since Shawn’s entering. Shawn is limping. I would believe it if faking a knee injury wasn’t what started all of this in the first place.
CADE MUSIC! Cade enters.
MATCH TIME! Shawn Michaels v. Lance Cade. Cade immediately throws Michaels out of the ring, gets a table, then drops HBK into the announce table. The crowd’s chanting HBK but it don’t look good. Cade preps the table. Cade slams Shawn through the table. Cade tosses Shawn into the ring, gets a chair, and then enters the ring himself. Michaels prevents the chairshot by jumping Cade and pummeling him. Cade throws him off, but he threw Shawn right next to the chair. Shawn delivers… wait, let me rewind and count… twelve chairshots to Cade. Daaaaamn, Cade just caught a beating. Michaels with the easy pin. After the match, Shawn stews for a bit and then decides Cade hasn’t had quite what he deserves just yet, so he picks up the chair again. Cade’s lying in the ring totally out of it, but that doesn’t stop HBK from hitting him another seven times. Crowd goes nuts for this. I do not like Crowd when they cheer for shit like literally whipping a dude or hitting a guy when you’ve already beaten him and he’s defenseless. Jericho has a point, fuckers. That’s not acceptable behavior and you cheer Michaels for it. Stop making Jericho right! Yet more commercials follow.

KINGLY MUSIC! Lawler’s in the ring with a mic. Lawler’s calling out Santino… not wise, Jerry. Ah, Lawler’s here to pimp our first announced Cyber Sunday match. Santino will face either Roddy Piper, Goldust(!!!!), or THE HONKY-TONK MAN at Cyber Sunday for the Intercontinental Championship. Well, as much as I’d love for it to be Goldust, c’mon. That’s Honky winning.
Lillian starts to announce the next match but is interrupted by
INDIAN MUSIC! Fuck right off, you useless lump. Lawler and Cole tell us he had a confrontation with Johnny Knoxville and oh my fucking God, I thought I couldn’t be more fucking annoyed by Khali but they just tied that asinine fuckstick into this? No. No, WWE, fuck you and fuck Khali and fuck Johnny Knoxville. I’m not recapping this and I’m not watching it and you can’t make me care. I recorded this. I can fast-forward. I fast-forward until Khali decides to host THE KISS CAM! HA! The Cam seeks out couples while Khali encourages them to kiss. In Indian. HA! The camera then settles on… Lillian. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Khali strolls into frame. THIS IS THE BEST THING KHALI HAS EVER DONE EVER. Khali kisses Lillian and then Singh says “The Great Khali says he’ll call you” and holy shit, that was the first time in history Khali was actually entertaining. Mark the date. Commercials.

We’re back and Mizorrison has joined the announcers for guest commentary. Morrison has outlined his six-pack in glitter. I refuse to offer commentary on that.
Jillian is in the ring and massacres her way through “Smells Like Teen Spirit” for a bit. Mizorrison say that it’s sapping their will to live, which upon retrospection I think was an insult on Cobain. Low blow.
HOLLA HOLLA! Kelly Kelly enters.
YO YO YO YO!!! BROOKLYN BROOKLYN!!! Cryme Tyme enters and join up with Kelly Kelly, who paused midway down the ramp to wait for them. Mizorrison say that Cryme Tyme are from the suburbs. Hee. Cryme Tyme heads over to the announce table themselves to provide extra commentary. This is now the best-commentated match ever.
MATCH TIME! Jillian v. Kelly Kelly but nobody cares because Cryme Tyme and Mizorrison are making fun of each other on the mic. Cole and Lawler try vainly to make people pay attention to the match but it ain’t happening. I’ve got a feeling this segment is going straight up on YouTube and any attempt to keep up with the constant stream of insults would only do a disservice to it, so I’m just gonna urge anyone who missed this to go watch it, because holy fuck is it awesome and funny. Kelly Kelly wins, but seriously, nobody was paying any attention to the ring. We see Batista warming up backstage and then we go to commercials again. This shit right here is why I don’t watch it live any more.

Another Cena video package when we come back. Guys, we’re not gonna forget about him. He’s Cena. Save it for his return.
5 4 3 2 1 BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOOOOWN!!!! Special referee Jericho enters. Apparently this is a #1 contenders match in its own right, not just a rematch.
Bells ring, cows moo, and John “The Dow dropped another 400 points and thus put an immediate kibosh in my obnoxious ‘grateful for the bailout’ gimmick from last night, and for that we should all be thankful” Layfield enters. Lillian starts to announce Batista, but Jericho stops her to whisper something in her ear. Lillian announces a special guest timekeeper… William Regal.
REGAL MUSIC! Regal enters. Lillian tries to announce Batista again, and again Jericho stops her. Lillian announces that there will also be a special guest commentator… Randy Orton.
I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD!!!! Orton enters and heads over to the announce table. We go to commercials.

We’re back and Lillian finally gets to announce Batista.
Y-Y-Y-Y-YYEAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! Batista enters, clearly aware that the deck has been stacked way, way against him. Cole absolutely erupts in manlust for his beloved managing to enter the ring. It’s so brave and he’s so handsome! Go to hell and die, Cole.
MATCH TIME. JBL v. Batista. Batista gets an early cover so that Jericho can demonstrate an extremely slow count. Y’know, just in case we hadn’t figured out that this wasn’t going to be a fair match already. Batista gets JBL in a figure four but JBL’s fingertips manage to graze the ropes, which Jericho declares good enough and orders Batista to break. Okay, look, just assume that at any given moment Jericho’s heeling it up as ref, because it’s gonna get tiresome in a hurry listing every way Jericho’s showing favoritism in this match. Batista’s sent out of the ring, and when JBL goes out too, Jericho makes a big show of ordering JBL back into the ring so that Regal can run up and blitz Batista while the ref is “distracted”. The gist of this match is basically that Batista is kicking JBL’s ass and would have won about six times over in a fair fight, but Jericho’s tilting it as hard as he can to JBL. Eventually Regal goes to interfere again, but Batista clears him off and then hits JBL and Jericho with a double spear. Hey, that’s a DQ! Instead we see Mike Adamle(!) up at the entrance ramp motioning a new ref into the match. The new ref does not DQ Batista for hitting the ref with a spear, but rather calls the match fairly, which means it takes about two more minutes for Batista to win by pinfall.
After the match, Adamle gets on the mic and says it’s kind of ironic that Jericho named himself as special guest ref, since that was one of Adamle’s ideas during the meeting he had with Shane and Steph. At Cyber Sunday it’s Batista and Jericho for the World Heavyweight Championship, and the fans get to pick the special guest ref. It starts off looking like this is gonna be another one of those trademark Cyber Sunday “two comedy options and one obvious one they want you to pick” choices, as the first two possibilities announced are Randy Orton and Shawn Michaels… but then the third option is Stone Cold Steve Austin! Huh. I actually don’t know who the fans are gonna pick there. Okay, probably Stone Cold, but still. That’s a lot more open ended than usual. We go to black on Batista celebrating on the ropes and Jericho staring up at him from ringside.