By Shaft

Unbelievable. Seventeen weeks of picking NFL games and the whole thing came down to a single game: Dolphins vs. Jets.

The third contender for the top spot, HRH, had a strong week finishing in a tie for second place with twelve points and amazingly in a three way tie for the overall lead. However, since he had only two weekly wins this year it meant that this was going to come down to a head to head battle between last years champ, viceroy, and the champ from two years ago and leader for most of this year, Kender. They both PM’d me their picks and incredibly there was only one pick different between them.

viceroy picked the Jets and won three weeks this year.

Kender picked the Dolphins and won four. He is your 2008 NPP NFL Pick ‘em champion! Congratulations! As a reward, $50 will be donated to the charity of your choosing so post the charity and it shall be done.

Week 17 also saw daycru pick up his fourth weekly win, and third since Week 12, with thirteen correct picks. This left him with 164 points overall and in a solid 6th place.

The bottom of the final leaderboard of the year is occupied by SoP, buckdiddy, and loosejonnyt who all ended up with just 8 points a piece. Overall, Scotsman has clinched last place overall (outside of those who dropped out) with 139 points just one point behind n00b.

WEEK 17 FUN FACTS

Three teams were unanimously picked this week, but only two of them were correct. Both Baltimore’s win over Jacksonville and Atlanta’s victory over St. Louis were correctly picked by everyone while everyone goofed and picked Tampa Bay over Oakland.

WEEK 17 RESULTS

1. daycru – 13
2. Osiris – 12
2. HRH – 12
2. YRD – 12
2. robelgordo – 12
6. Boner – 11
6. Scotsman – 11
6. PeteMoss – 11
6. Kender – 11
6. Shaft – 11
11. nateeasy – 10
11. manbooba – 10
11. n00b – 10
11. viceroy – 10
11. Dirty Hun – 10
11. Hamass – 10
11. tron – 10
11. Tucho – 10
19. SoP – 8
19. buckdiddy – 8
19. loosejonnyt – 8

OVERALL

1. Kender – 170*
1. viceroy – 170
1. HRH – 170
4. nateeasy – 166
5. Hamass – 165
6. daycru – 164
7. robelgordo – 162
8. YRD – 159
9. Shaft – 158
10. Boner – 156
11. Tucho – 153
12. Osiris – 152
12. Dirty Hun – 152
14. SoP – 151
15. PeteMoss – 150
15. manbooba – 150
17. tron – 147
18. buckdiddy – 146
19. loosejonnyt – 142
20. n00b – 140
21. Scotsman – 139
22. Mallard – DNF
23. Taff – DNF
24. CliffX – DNF
25. Rookie Monster – DNF
26. JoeyAt75 – DNF
27. cheekbone – DNF
28. Dr. Mort – DNF

* – wins tiebreaker

2008 WEEKLY WINNERS

Week 1 – manbooba, JoeyAt75, Kender, CliffX
Week 2 – nateeasy, cheekbone, daycru
Week 3 – HRH
Week 4 – Kender
Week 5 – Scotsman, Mallard, SoP
Week 6 – Osiris, n00b
Week 7 – manbooba
Week 8 – PeteMoss
Week 9 – viceroy
Week 10 – Hamass, viceroy
Week 11 – Kender, Taff
Week 12 – Dirty Hun, daycru, buckdiddy, tron, Kender
Week 13 – manbooba, n00b, HRH, Dirty Hun, Shaft, Hamass, robelgordo, Tucho, YRD, daycru
Week 14 – Hamass, Tucho
Week 15 – Tucho, viceroy
Week 16 – tron
Week 17 – daycru

NUMBER OF WEEKS WON

4 – Kender, daycru
3 – viceroy, manbooba, Hamass, Tucho
2 – HRH, Dirty Hun, n00b, tron
1 – JoeyAt75, CliffX, nateeasy, cheekbone, Scotsman, Mallard, SoP, Osiris, PeteMoss, Taff, buckdiddy, Shaft, robelgordo, YRD

With all of those useless stats out of the way, another year is in the books. Congratulations again go out to Kender as well as to viceroy and HRH who both had tremendous years as well. Thanks to everyone who participated and hopefully we’ll do it all again next year. If I do run this again I guarantee you some tiebreakers will be in effect right from Week 1 rather than being added so hastily in Week 16 and I apologize to both viceroy and HRH for being so ill-prepared for a possible tie.

That does it for me. Thanks again everybody and have a Happy New Year!

The year was 2008. It was full of fail and yet also win. It saw a new president crowned and we all jizzed in our pants. Nerds swooned for Olivia Munn while Hole looked over his shoulder, asked his mother if he could swoon and was denied. We saw things like Mikey simply asking for a debate, a dude sitting his anal cavity onto a glass that ends up breaking, the US economy committing suicide, and also Heath Ledger committing some accidental suicide. This all leads into the annual best of movie lists to spring up here and there. But here at No Pants Provided we do things different. We also reward the horrible movies by shitting a brick on their face and jacking off on their pillow case. This is the top five best and worst movies of…2008!!!

We’re going to start out with the best in order to have the worst bring up the rear end. The top best is a very widespread mayhem of movies. In fact seven of the movies with positive votes were summer blockbuster hits. There were some films voted multiple times that did not get placed high enough in lists to make the top five. Also, one movie was a number one vote and didn’t get close to the top 5. So here I will give you the honorable mentions. 

In Bruges: voted twice, #4 and #5

Role Models: voted twice, #3 and #5

Get Smart: voted twice, #2 and #5

Tropic Thunder: voted thrice, #3, #3 and #5

Henry Poole Is Here: voted once, #1

Ok. Now that the close calls were given their time to shine it is now for the top 5 of the year. I went into this knowing the top 5 would have three movies in there for sure which realistically would leave two wild card spots open for business. But there was a snag early on as one of the assumed top 5 ended up as one of the first of the bottom 5. I almost gasped but then remembered there would be more lists. Overall, I am pleased with the top 5 as it really showcases the strong movies and yet – for the most part – they were big hits with the world. And here…we…C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!!

Ryan Reynolds attempts to use Canadian charm to pick up Isla Fisher

5.  Definitely, Maybe (2 out of 9, 8 pts, #1 for Scotsman)

- One of two authentic rom-coms to actually make the list. The other would be Fool’s Gold which was voted #4 on Coolhandluke’s worst of list. Ryan Reynolds really does go out all out for rom-coms as his last effort Just Friends was also solid. I’m sure Skooch and Scots can tell you how heartwarming it as I have yet to see this.

“What’s a threesome?” “It’s a game, that adults play sometimes…when they’re bored.”

Brad Pitt playing dumb..

4. Burn After Reading (2 out of 9, 9 pts, #1 for Joey@75)

- A delightful confusion is the only way to sum up this movie. Narrowly missing my own list, Burn After Reading is a great story of how confused the world is and how truly out of the loop the government is.

“Osbourne Cox? I thought you might be worried…about the security…of your shit.”

EVA, WALL-E and a Zippo lighter.

3. Wall-E (4 out of 9, 12 pts, Coolhandluke at #1 best, Scotsman at #1 worst)

- WALL-E not only had to overcome the odds in the movie, he had to overcome the odds in this list as Scotsman makes this the only movie to have a #1 in best and worst. Quite a feat. Sometimes being cute isn’t always the answer.

“Eeeee…va?”

If this were a .gif, the world would explode behind Robert Downey, Jr.

2. Iron Man (5 out of 9, 17 pts, #1 for Hamass)

- The surprise of the year in many a eye, but when you have Robert Downey Jr. on the scene it should never be a surprise. Jon Favreau directed a rich-looking movie with dialogue seemingly perfect for Tony Stark.

“The truth is…I am Iron Man.”

Heath Ledger as The Joker

1. The Dark Knight (6 out of 9, 25 pts, four #1’s)

- Honestly this was a given. It was a juggernaut in the box office and everyone verbally blew Heath Ledger as he put in one of the more terrifyingly funny roles of the decade.

“I’m just a mad dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with it if I caught one.”

A very fine list but now it is time for the worst of the worst and the crap that is actually looked down upon by other crap. Now I received nine lists but one didn’t include a top 5 worst list. So we only have eight lists for this and that’s…okay.

Anyways, a total of 26 movies were listed as terrible this year.  Eight of those received #1 votes. Now that means any movie that was tied with another but had a #1 vote wins the tiebreaker and gets an extra point. Two movies had one vote but it was at #1 and they placed at a tie for #5 so they will start off the list.  Mariska Hargitay.

There's a whole lot of ugly in these two shots.

5. Killer Pad (Joey@75’s #1) and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (Ormie’s #1)

- Robert Englund and Uwe Boll manage to get into the top 5. This is Freddy’s first dip into directing since 1989 and Uwe Boll just sucks. I expected Uwe Boll on this list so hooray. And now to combine two quotes into one.

“The hellacious stench, the ungodly heat, the forbidden fruit. I know what did this. Sacrilage! This is madness, Gallian! You go too far!”

And Jesus Christ rolls over in His grave.

4. Wanted (2 out of 8, -6 points, Skooch at #2)

- Grossing $342 million worldwide and having a 73% on Rotten Tomatoes, Wanted jumps onto our worst list. Joey said it was an overwrought, overbudgeted Hollywood cliche ride and Skoochy said it was felt like it was trying to be a mash up of Office Space, Fight Club and Shoot ‘Em Up with none of the charm. Hey, you can see Angelina Jolie’s booty though.

“Oh my God! Oh my God! What the fuck just happened?”

Slightly less homo-erotic than 300

3. Meet The Spartans (2 out of 8, -7 pts, Ormie at #2)

- Seriously a very horrible movie. I couldn’t even finish this. The link above is a review that says it’s mindless fun. It’s not even mindless fun. It’s fun if you consider cutting the head of your dick off.

“We may have won the battle, But they will win the war!”

A group of cardboard cut-outs

2. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (2 out of 8, -8 pts, Kender at #1)

- I’ve linked Lazy Sunday for all of you. I don’t think Narnia is going to live up to the rap…ever. I have never seen or read any of this mess. LION JESUS!!! 

“This way for your num-nums.” “That’s what she said.”

Fuck you, Mike Myers.

1. The Love Guru (6 out of 8 lists, -26 pts, 4 at #1)

- The worst movie of 2008 folks. Worse than Juice’s World giving Osiris a dutch rudder. Worse than the Ormie Comix thread. Worse than my mother’s vagina…The Love Guru!!! Written by Mike Myers and…Graham Gordy. Graham Gordy has only written one other movie than this, War Eagle, Arkansas. It’s a drama. He also was born and raised in Conway, Arkansas. Really shows you the depth of Arkansas humor. Everyone I know in Arkansas likes this and I cry every time. It’s seriously one of the most uninteresting movies ever. It makes a Vin Diesel movie seem competent.

“If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your Uncle jack off an elephant?”

And that sums up the Top 5 Best and Worst of 2008. Thank you to the eight others who submitted lists for this and that’s probably the least amount sent in for lists out of anything we’ve run here.

But I’ll be back…I ALWAYS COME BACK!!!

#1 Top Christmas Movie – Home Alone
(115 points, 17 of 20 lists, highest rated #1 by Scotsman and NippleAppleCrap)

Wow.

Just…..wow.

When all lists were in, and all votes were tallied – I couldn’t quite believe it.  I checked, I rechecked, I triple-checked, and it was correct.

Home Alone was the #1 Best Christmas Movie, as voted by NPP.

Since that fact came to light on November 30th, I’ve spent the last month debating how exactly to write this article.  I could write it like all the others, with an unbiased but positive tone to all of them – although that’s hard to do considering it’s my all-time favourite movie.

I could write about the movie, and all the great, heartwarming moments.  Old Man Marley stepping in to save Kevin, or Kate McCallisters speech at the airport(”This is Christmas.  The season of perpetual hope.  And I don’t care if I have to get out on your runway and hitchike.  If it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the deveil himself, I am going to get home to my son.”)

Or I could just focus on the comedy of which there is a lot.  Kevin grocery shopping, Kevin going through Buzz’s stuff(“Buzz, your girlfriend, WOOF!”) or of course Marv and Harry breaking in to the house, and the hinjinx that occur.

I could even bore you with trivia.  Like the fact that Robert De Niro was originally intended to be Harry.  Or that Joe Pesci had to have many scenes re-done because he kept saying the word “fuck”.  I could even tell you where all the cast and characters are now, as it’s one of those strange things I try and keep up on.  Sidenote: There is a very funny interview with Buzz on the Family Fun Edition DVD where he talks about where he is now that is must-watch material.  Even after all these years, the man has not lost his sense of humour.

I could even just write about what this movie means to me, why I’ve saw it over 500 times, or the time I was high on coke, and spent hours performing the movie word for word for a group of friends, because sadly, I know all the words to this movie.  I can’t remember what I had for breakfast this morning, but I can quote this movie word for word.

Rather than do all that though, I’m just going to thank you.  I want to thank every one of you that voted for this movie.  Vern, Hamass, Ormie, AnarchyUTD, Robelgordo, Tucho, Nibbles, Dirty Hun, Coolhandluke, n00b, Taff(especially Taff!), buckdiddy, NAC, hockeyrama, manbooba, and Kendergardener. 

Thank you, for acknowledging Home Alone as the #1 Christmas Movie.

It’s the best Christmas Present I could’ve ever got.

(94 points, 10 out of 20 lists, highest rating at #1 by buckdiddy, hockeyrama, manbooba)

“He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.”
“He does not!”
“He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare! “

Could there be any simpler plot than the plot to A Christmas Story, a tale about a young boy who wants only one gift for Christmas, more than anything else in the world.  In this case, it’s 9 year old Ralphie Parker wanting a BB gun, or to be more specific, “A Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time.”

Yet A Christmas Story is anything but simple – it’s more a series of short vignettes centered around this one main storyline.  Vignettes involve Ralphies brother going to school in a snow suit that looks like he’s going “deep sea diving”, or a triple dog dare involving placing ones tongue on a frozen flag pole.  Then there’s the dad, who wins an absolutely horrific looking lamp in a contest, which he proudly displays in his front window.  Then more serious items on the agenda, like Ralphies dealing with school bullies, as well as more traditionally Christmas shorts, like buying a christmas tree, and of course the age-old gift of socks for Christmas.

This is a highly entertaining movie, covering all the serious, humorous and heartwarming aspects of it very well.  All Ralphie wants is that BB gun for Christmas, although it seems so unlikely he’ll get it, as he is told – “you’ll shoot your eye out”.  Par for the course with this movie, Ralphie gets that BB gun, goes out to play with it, and you guessed it – almost shoots his eye out.

This is a very well-done movie, and takes such a simple plot that everyone can relate to, puts a whole new spin on it,and turns it into a unique and highly entertaining movie, which is easily considered a Christmas Classic.