RAW is destiny for 2/23!

Little Slumdog shout-out there, since I’m sure Jericho’s going to have plenty to say about the Oscars tonight.

So after a truly epic video package recapping last week’s main event, we start off with… Vickie! Vickie is the best heel in professional wrestling, y’all. The crowd is hot the second she’s announced (she’s already in the ring), and a couple of EXCUSE ME!s later, they’re nuclear on her. [Continue...]

RAW is hiding from sentient Elimination Chambers for 2/16!

We start off with Vickie Guerrero. Why Vickie? Well, for those of you who didn’t see NWO, she’s about to let you know why…
YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME!!! THE CHAMP IS HERE and oh fucking hell yes you just heard me right. World Heavyweight Champion Edge and Vickie stroll down to the ring, getting pyro on the way, as Cole and Lawler assure us that yes, this is indeed RAW and not Smackdown [Continue...]

Well if you kept up to date with my achievement challenge in 2008, you’ll know that I beat it. The challenge was to get 500+ gamerscore points in every game I own, and I managed to do exactly that, with literally an hour to spare.

I’m currently still hunting for a new achievement challenge to do for 2009, and if you have any ideas post in this thread.  In the meantime, I’ll continue to play games and most likely get over 500 if I can, while posting weekly updates.  My only goal so far is to take #1 on the XBox Leaderboard – I’m currently #2, 7,408 gamerscore points behind Nateeasy.   [Continue...]

RAW is I have a terrible fucking cold okay for 2/09 so let’s get on with this

The very first thing we hear is Lillian telling us to please welcome Ric Flair, so goddamn, we are starting things off with a bang tonight. Or should I say starting things off with a “woo!” Haha get it because that is what he says. I’m funny. [Continue...]

RAW is bravely dealing with mental health issues in a frank and honest manner for 2/02!

Shane-O-Mac starts us off with a lovely shuffle and then hits the ring with a mic. Gee, I wonder what he’s gonna talk about. After a video recap of how Shane kicked Randy Orton’s ass last week, we come back to find out. The crowd, incidentally, loves Shane for beating up Orton. Shane says that Orton challenged him to a match at No Way Out, and he accepted. Awesome! It’ll be a no holds barred match. Also awesome! Plus, I like it when Shane wrestles. He’s good. Shane smacktalks Randy, saying he’s gonna kick his ass so hard he’ll be unable to compete at Wrestlemania.
I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD!!! No message from the voices this week. They’re on vacation. Randy stays at the entrance stage and says that he let Shane kick his ass. The crowd interrupts this with an RKO chant, which is nifty of them. Orton says he let Shane kick his ass to avoid having the rest of the RAW roster jump him too, and it’s a small price to pay for getting that match at NWO. Whatever you say, Randy. Whatever you say. Randy walks down to the ring and then dives in, which turns out to be a distraction as Cody and TDJ hit the ring from opposite sides, but Shane grabs a kendo stick he’d stashed under the ring apron. Shane swings at Randy, who ducks and leaves, and Cody and TDJ get a few strikes from the cane each before they all leave. 2-0 Shane. Commercials.

MATCH TIME! CM Punk and Mickie James v. William Regal and Layla. No idea why Mickie is Punk’s partner. I guess he just needed a diva? Punk and Regal start the match off. Punk takes control early so Layla tags herself in. Regal cheap-shots Punk and then it’s time for Layla and Mickie. It’s pretty even, the divas floor each other, and tag the men back in. Punk goes into I KICK EVERYTHING mode and drives Regal straight out of the ring. Regal tries to use Layla as a human shield, which Mickie doesn’t like so she hits Layla from off the ring. Punk tries to do the same, but Regal grabs his foot and pulls him off. Ow. Regal gets in the ring and when Punk climbs back in, as he’s still halfway through the ropes, Regal hits him with a running knee to the head, and that’s good for a pin. Regal wins, which means Punk probably retains next week. Commercials.

MATCH TIME! Priceless v. Cryme Tyme. They feel the need to give us a video recap of the opening segment, which was like half an hour ago. My memory does in fact stretch that far back, WWE. During Cryme Tyme’s entrance the camera cuts to this hilariously adorable 8 year old kid with CM Punk wristwraps who’s thugging along to Cryme Tyme’s music. That was awesome. JTG and TDJ (that’s confusing!) start the match as the crowd gives ‘em a MONEY MONEY/YEAH YEAH chant. TDJ tags in Cody, which is nice of him to do for me. Cody’s got pretty solid control over JTG until JTG breaks a headlock and manages to get simultaneous tags with Cody. Shad and TDJ now and Shad is rolling all over him. Shad hits TDJ with a new named finisher (Thugnificance? Thug-something) and Cody breaks up the pin. Cody and TDJ clear off JTG and double-team the hell out of Shad, which gets them DQed, but that obviously doesn’t stop the beating. They leave Shad facedown in the ring, but… yay! Cryme Tyme wins!

Video recap of this weird-ass semi-aborted Mickey Rourke/Chris Jericho Wrestlemania angle, where Rourke made a comment about wrestling Jericho at Wrestlemania and then said he wasn’t gonna do it after all or something? Who knows how much of this is scripted, it’s been all in red-carpet interviews and talking to Larry King and shit. We see Jericho walking backstage and then go to commercials.

We come back and see Legacy talking backstage, but don’t get to hear about what.

In the ring is Jericho now, who makes sure to make nice about Mickey as an actor before turning the angle around into a way to slag on has-beens like Roddy Piper and Hacksaw Jim Duggan and… Ric Flair. (Crowd: WOOOO!) Jericho says Flair had a perfect exit and should have gone out gracefully, but no, he’s hanging on and getting attention from anyone who’ll still give it to him. He’s… not wrong, you know. Jericho wants the WWE to revoke the Legend status and Hall of Fame membership of the has-beens, so that they can’t…
ENOUGH! ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH! Hey look, it’s John Cena up on the Titantron! What you got for us, John? Cena white knights the Hall of Famers and then slags on Jericho for being overly wordy and going on and on about whatever’s pissing him off that week. He’s… also not wrong. Cena turns all of Jericho’s points against him, pointing out that Jericho will not let go of his own past as undisputed champion and if you want to talk about hanging on too long, hey Chris, you’ve been fired! Twice! Dang. Good show, Cena. There’s some more smack talk but it’s pretty standard “blah blah blah I’m gonna win” stuff. We see Kofi and Rey walking backstage and then go to commercials.

MATCH TIME! Rey and Kofi v. Kane and Mike Knox. Rey has a giveaway hood this week, which I’m still compelled to recap every week, for some damn reason. I like the hood. Mike Knox’s entrance music is growing on me; it’s the static laced through it that I like. It sends the right sort of “Something about this dude is fundamentally fucked up” message. Okay. So. Kofi and Kane start off, Kofi dominates early and Mike Knox moves to interfere, but Rey rushes the ring and he and Kofi stand Knox off. We go to commercials.

Coming back, it’s still Kofi and Kane, but the match is a bit more even. Kofi tags in Rey, who sets him up for a 619 in short order, but Kane leaves the ring to avoid it. Rey leaps off the ring at Kane to hit him anyway, but as they get back into the ring Kane stuns Rey long enough to tag in Mike Knox. Knox overpowers Rey, shoving him all over the ring and then picking him up when Rey tries a move off the ropes. Kofi tags himself in while Knox has his back turned, which leaves Knox unaware and primed for Kofi out of nowhere. Rey gets in a quick Mario stomp before leaving the ring. Trouble in Paradise! 1! 2! Just two. Knox has Kofi picked up but Kofi breaks out, bounces off the ropes, and runs straight into Mike Knox’s boot. 1! 2! Just two! Knox tags in Kane, who continues the Kofi-beating before tagging Knox back in, who beats up Kofi some more and then tags Kane in, who beats up Kofi some more before Kofi breaks, enziguris Kane, and crawls for a tag… but doesn’t get it before Kane kicks Rey off the ropes. Knox is tagged back in again. Kofi takes some more hits and then gets Knox with a cross-body off the middle rope. Knox and Kofi crawl to their corners. Rey’s recovering and getting back to his corner, but Kane was already in his, so he’s tagged in and drags Kofi off before Rey can get back ringside. Kofi breaks again and FINALLY gets his tag. Rey goes apeshit on Kane and gets a 2 count before Knox breaks it up. Kofi clears him off and then goes off the ring at Knox, who counters handily by hitting Kofi with his knee, so Kofi’s out. In the ring, Rey sets Kane up for a 619 but gets caught mid-swing by Knox. Rey breaks free and goes off the top rope at Kane anyway, which is a bad plan, as Rey quickly learns. Kane catches Rey and then chokeslams the FUCK out of him. That’s the pin.

Backstage, Steph is telling Shane to be careful, which turns out to be good advice as they’re blindsided by Legacy. Legacy kicks the shit out of Shane and Randy moves in for the punt, only to think better of it when he sees that Steph is on her hands and knees too. He revs himself up (seriously, he makes little vroom-vroom noises) and runs at her, but Shane slides in at the last moment to take the punt on his back. We go to commercials.

Video stuff and then we go straight back to commercials. Well, fuck you too, then!

MATCH TIME! Candice Michelle v. Beth Phoenix. Beth wins in a squash. More fucking commercials. What, did you only book half a goddamned show?

Oh hey, Flair’s on RAW next week. Seriously, dude; you retired. It was awesome. Don’t spoil it.

Bells ring, cows moo, and John “Not in the main event at the next PPV for once” Layfield enters. He’s gonna evaluate Shawn Michaels as an employee! Ooooh! GRIPPING FUCKING TELEVISION RIGHT HERE Y’ALL. Lots of signs in the crowd calling JBL fat this week, which makes me happy. JBL calls himself “Machiavellan”, and no that’s not a spelling error. Goddamn it, JBL, talking was all you were still good at! Anyway, Shawn says that JBL is the fuckup in this business relationship, and JBL shockingly disagrees. JBL threatens to fire Shawn and Shawn says what he really wants is to beat up JBL. JBL takes this in stride, which is so funny. Man, I wish I could tell my boss I’d rather kick his ass than listen to him every week and have him shrug it off, I’d have so much more job satisfaction. JBL challenges Shawn to a match at No Way Out. If Shawn wins, he gets all the money he’s due from his entire one-year contract, right then, and is free of the contract. If JBL wins, he owns the Shawn Michaels brand and Shawn works for him for life. Oh, and just for added evil kicks, Shawn never gets paid. Hey, suddenly I don’t want that sort of working relationship so much any more. At least I get paid every week. Shawn accepts! JBL tells him that until NWO he still works for JBL and can’t put his hands on his boss, and then twists the knife by first poking, then shoving, and then flat-out slapping Shawn as he taunts him about how he’s gonna lose. Shawn keeps himself under control and walks out of the ring. More commercials.

Kane is pacing around backstage and Steph comes up to ask if it’s set. Kane says that “he” will be there. Steph says it’s agreed, then: Kane gets the last Elimination Chamber slot and next week, Randy Orton goes 1-on-1 with the Undertaker. UNDERTAKER ON RAW YAAAAAAAAAAAAY I’m a total ‘Taker mark.

MATCH TIME! Chris Jericho v. John Cena. Cena jumps Jericho before the bells is even rung, so he starts off in control, but when he turns around to take his t-shirt off, Jericho rushes him from behind. Once Cena gets his t-shirt off his head (Jericho was using it to blind Cena), it’s right back to total Cena control of the match. Man, this isn’t a very good match so far. Jericho’s had like fifteen seconds of offense total, there’s no drama in it if it’s just Cena using Jericho for a punching bag. Commercials.

We’re back and Jericho’s in control now, so okay, let’s see if this turns into a match. Jericho has Cena in a headlock, which Cena turns into a Throwback prep by standing up, but Jericho breaks it by hitting Cena with a bulldog. Nice sequence there, but now it’s Jericho in total control, so we’ve got the same goddamned problem as before just with the roles reversed. Cena gets in a counter that leaves both men flat on their backs, so okay, maybe it gets good now? Nah, not really. Jericho gets some more offense in before Cena counters and hits only Three Moves of Doom. Jericho counters the 5 Knuckle Shuffle into a Walls of Jericho, which Cena counters into a rollup pin for 2. Quick back-and-forth, Jericho hits a lionsault, but that’s only good for 2. Cena hits the 5 Knuckle Shuffle this time, so okay, things have finally picked up. Jericho’s staggered and Cena picks him up for the Throwback. Jericho does a really excellent flip, going straight from on Cena’s shoulders to standing on his own two feet, and tries the Codebreaker, but Cena counters that by shoving Jericho into a ring corner. Cena runs at Jericho and gets a boot to the face. Jericho runs at Cena and gets picked up yet AGAIN for a Throwback try. Another counter, this time by hitting Cena in the face until he drops Jericho. Jericho locks in the Walls! Cena crawls for the ropes but Jericho drags him back to the middle of the ring. Cena manages to power out of the hold and goes straight into a STF, which Jericho taps to in two seconds because Cena is magic. Goddamn it, it’s especially obnoxious when it comes directly after Cena withstands the Walls of Jericho for two goddamned minutes. He can’t be the best at everything, you fucks! Not everything! GIVE HIM A DAMN WEAKNESS awww fuck it, why do I bother. Show’s over. See you next week!