(Original Date: January 13, 2003)

Greetings wayworn men, those wearied by traveling through the hearts, minds, and bodies of womenfolk everywhere. ‘Tis I, Mystress- here to offer advice to all those in need by way of my new column:

Yes, to a few good men (those who read scotsmanality.com of course) I will offer answers to any and all questions my readers will have such as:

“Why do women go to bathrooms in groups?”
“Why do girls put guys in the ‘friend zone’?”
“Why can’t I get my girlfriend get off?”
“How do I approach a woman I’d like to talk to?”
“She says I’m not romantic, do you have any ideas?”

I will attack all questions with Vim and respond with humorous, cogent responses, but please do not read my column if you are easily offended.

Yes, dear men, women can be parlous to a man’s heart, not everything they say will be sincere. Email me any and all questions or topics you would like discussed at askmystress@scotsmanality.com, or post them in the comments field below. Each week, I will post one of them. If your question does not make it on the site within 3 weeks I will personally email you to answer it. You are welcome to be anonymous if you would like, but there is nothing to be ashamed of…chances are other men have the same questions but never speak up. I will not castigate you in any way and if I choose your question to be posted I will give you an access code good for a free cam show. The site will be up soon:

www.xxxtcmystress.com

(not work safe) And stay tuned into the column every once in a while the loyal readers will catch codes for free shows or discounts or autographed photos off of the site.

XoXo,

MyStReSs @>—–

COMMENTS FROM THIS ARTICLE:

Authored by: Some Random Fag on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 01:58 AM EST
A woman? On Scotsmanality? Whoulda thunk it.

How wise is that?
Authored by: Cody Webster on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 05:50 AM EST
Bribing people with porn on the internet. Really now, a 5 year old could even get porn off of google. However, that I’ll respond even if I don’t use it thing is genius.

Good luck surviving in a world where www.askachick.com/ exist, French Lady.

Oh, and for the guy above. Whit is a girl who visits dumbass. Also, Scotsman’s soon to be wife dropped by once.

Hmmm… youre pretty.
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 08:32 AM EST
Hi.

Question:

I like a lass at work. How should I ask her out? Were pretty good friends, and I dont wana fuck up the relationship.

So and help or advice is welcome.

Review WCW Thunder
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 09:24 AM EST
Review WCW Thunder scots

How wise is that?
Authored by: Scotsman on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 09:26 AM EST
Ahh all those chicks on that other site suck.

And hey there was more than just Whit or Janise….there was Jen and Erin and Morgan…..Carli….even Christie…..shit, A-Wel don’t have a set of balls so you could even classify him as a chick.

Hmmm… youre pretty.
Authored by: Dr. Mort on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 11:53 AM EST
Booo, I predict this whole deal will get pretty gay, and going gay when a chick is involved is a tricky business indeed, but somehow this site will pull it off. I mean relationship advice? What are yopu trying to pull here Scots?

Also, where are my movies?

Question
Authored by: Osiris on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 12:00 PM EST
I have a question about the ‘fairer sex’. Whenever I have sex with a lady, after I’ve finished, she ends up curled up in the fetal position, trembling. She also usually mumbles something over and over again. ‘Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.’, ‘What have I done?’ and ‘I’ll never get clean.’ are the ones I’ve heard most often. Now this makes it very dificult to sleep. I’ve tried grabbing them by the throat, going nose to nose with them and whispering ‘If you don’t shut the fuck up, I’ll never let you out of here alive.’ While that does keep them quiet and I can get to sleep, they’re always gone when I wake up, and then I have to make my own breakfast. That brings me to my question. How do make eggs benedict?

question
Authored by: risebluelion on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 01:05 PM EST
this should be a contest for gayest question ever. so i’ll start:

what is the deal with eyeliners? how do you not stab yourself in the eye every fucking time?

Top that, fags.

bluelion (maximuslion.com)

Question!
Authored by: JN6six6 on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 02:22 PM EST
<b>Do chicks enjoy taking shits as much as guys?</b> Seriously?

Question
Authored by: JN6six6 on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 02:23 PM EST
LOLOLOL!

balls anyone?
Authored by: mystress on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 03:19 PM EST
Neither does Osiris! He’ll get what he has coming to him in my next column! ahaaahhaaaahhaaaaa (evil laugh with no sound effects)

Question
Authored by: Ormberg on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 03:20 PM EST
That my friends is the definition of “LOL2003″

I’m not the average girl…
Authored by: mystress on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 03:27 PM EST
Oui, mais. ..will “ces” filles vous disent point par point comment plaire une fille sexuellement?

Thanks for wishing me luck, and be sure to remind me on one of your future comments that you are not interested in receiving free female porn…

What kind of a guy is this Scots?

Bises (xoxo),
MyStReSs @>—-

Fart Questions
Authored by: Martin ONeill on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 03:28 PM EST
I have 3:

1) After farting alot in bed, do chicks raise the covers, take a whiff and smile with pride?
2) Have you ever had a wet fart?
3) What’s the difference between a fridge and a vagina?

Oh fuck, I know the last one…a fridge doesn’t fart when you take your meat out of it! Badaboom!

Fart Questions
Authored by: mystress on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 03:39 PM EST
Maybe the fart because they are rejecting “meat” that is spoiled or not good enough to belong in there to begin with?

Fart Questions
Authored by: Martin ONeill on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 03:50 PM EST
No. It’s a cunt grunt. Aren’t you a sex advice columnist? Shouldn’t you know this shit?

Fart Questions
Authored by: mystress on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 04:46 PM EST
If you want to get technical it is caused from air being trapped in the orifice, but it doesn’t always happen- which again backs up my theory that maybe the appendages of certain men just aren’t acceptable!

Fart Questions
Authored by: Martin ONeill on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 05:09 PM EST
Yeah I think I understand what you mean now. Mine must be far too big. Badaboom badabing!

How wise is that?
Authored by: A-wel Cruiz on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 05:58 PM EST
Yeah Scots, I’m a woman, and I wanna fuck you.

question
Authored by: A-wel Cruiz on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 06:00 PM EST
I’ll take that challenge.

Whay are men such pigs, I mean REALLY? They think with their dicks, right?

TOP THAT!

VSYG36
Authored by: Penisman2k3 on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 06:14 PM EST
How do I get A-wel and Scott Keith to met me for some wild penis action? I think A-wel finds me attractive but Scott Keith is too much man for me to handle.

question
Authored by: Osiris on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 06:15 PM EST
You are an untalented, unfunny piece of crap. I hate you. On my birthday, when I blew out the candles on my cake, I wished for you to die. YOU SUCK!

If you can’t handle them…
Authored by: mystress on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 06:22 PM EST
If you can’t handle them why ask? If you can…ask nicely I’m sure they’d oblige!

My question:
Authored by: Matt TRG on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 06:34 PM EST
What’s the first rule of Fight Club?

My answer:
Authored by: mystress on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 06:41 PM EST
What’s fight club? (Shhhh! numnuts ya don’t talk about it!)

question
Authored by: A-wel Cruiz on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 07:13 PM EST
YESSSS!!!!!! Keep it coming! You dipshits bitching about me makes my day, no fuck that, my WHOLE FUCKING WEEK!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Cruiz out. >8^D

I’m not the average girl…
Authored by: Cody Webster on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 07:41 PM EST
Non, mais la partie de la fantaisie ne sera pas obligé à avoir une femmes vous harcellent et les jeux d’esprit de pièce. Vous prouvez mon point mon en tenant otage de porn, vous propulsez la chienne qui joue.

Again, what makes your porn so great? I just think you would have been fine without the cheap carrot over everyones head.

If you can’t handle them…
Authored by: A-wel Cruiz on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 07:45 PM EST
I’ll need expensive jewelrey first.

How wise is that?
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 11:11 PM EST
<<Authored by: A-wel Cruiz on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 04:58 PM EST
Yeah Scots, I’m a woman, and I wanna fuck you.
>>

we know this

My answer:
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 11:20 PM EST
Do girls freak out or get excited when they realize a guy they’re about to have sex with is a virgin?

Good Idea….
Authored by: OmegaSox on Monday, January 13 2003 @ 11:24 PM EST
I honestly think this is a good idea for the site….different direction of sorts.

Mistress, welcome.

Scots, good call, it was getting kinda gay in here with all the guys, and not many chicks….

question
Authored by: Dr. Mort on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 12:16 AM EST
You wished him dead? Oh shit Cruiz, you gotta fight back with your own good JuJu, this is just like that backwards Seinfeld, he gave you the EVIL EYE!!

Also, where’s that A? Hunh? Less talk more action!

Where are my movies Scots?!

I have a boner.
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 12:39 AM EST
I really want to fuck Mystress.

I have a boner.
Authored by: Arsecake on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 12:50 AM EST
For all you know she has flat tits and a gigantic
Samoan-esque arse, why do you want to fuck her
already? Aren’t you supposed to, like, get to know her
first?

And the obvious question to ask is, which feels better,
long or thick?

argh
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 01:11 AM EST
if a guy had posted something with words like:
wayworn (wayward)
parlous (perlious)
and whatever other bimboisms there were, you guys’d be flipping out, which leads me to belive that you’re all so happy to have a girl “talk” to you that you’ve been wanking on overtime. This site has lost its edge. Sigh. Well, I guess you don’t have to be able to spell to be a web cam whore. Cheers.

I have a boner.
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 02:47 AM EST
I agree… I’d gladly make a sperm roadmap on her.

question
Authored by: Osiris on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 11:35 AM EST
I know that you’re sitting there thinking, ‘Golly, them guys are ribbing me, but that’s cause they like me. Its all in good fun.’ That may be true in some cases, but I FUCKING HATE YOU! You are so unfunny that I can’t even put it into words. Your writing is pure garbage. Your best be is to change your name, go somewhere else and evolve as a writer, then come back if you actually get interesting. Then after a couple of months you can reveal who you are and we’ll all be amazed. Till then, I’ll keep praying for your death.

Spelling definitions and other things…
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 01:15 PM EST
Okay buddy, I can ignore comments of the obnoxious sort until I get home to my computer to add to my column coming out on Wednesday but do you really think i’d let you get away with attempting to show off and not knowing what the fuck you are talking about? Please go to www.dictionary.com and type each and every word you boast is spelled wrong or doesn’t exist and then get back to me on who da bimbo is! And please don’t attempt to correct my work from this point forward.

Thanks,
MyStReSs @>—-

If you can’t handle them…
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 01:19 PM EST
You may be dealing with the wrong man to be able to afford expensive jewelry for you…Don’t think he’s cut out to be a sugar daddy.

I lack the equipment to have a boner.
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 01:26 PM EST
So? Is that a sly way of asking to see them? Maybe at some point… I really appreciate the idea that there is a man out there who things with his head and not his dick. Yes dear Anonymous, I have a respect for you. You aren’t contributing to the STD population. Keep up the good work!
And to answer your question…It’s all about preference. Just like men can be breast men or ass men or legs men, women have different preferences and different body types. I prefer thick to long, but its all about how its used.
XoXo,
MyStReSs @>—

MommaFuckinIrishman SEZ:
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 02:37 PM EST
Good, cause mines like, really really thick. Seriously, if it was any thicker I would probably go to see the Dr about it.

great idea mystress
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 03:23 PM EST
Hey mystress, good idea! guys can be really ignorant. i think it’s funny sometimes how little they understand about women. i don’t are though, as long as they’re willing to learn.

too bad you got the idea first. oh well, you’re offering them porn. you know they won’t pass that one up.

good luck with your column. i’ll make sure to affirm what you tell the boys if there’s any doubt, lol.

thanks for remembering me, ppl! and I thought I hadn’t made any mark on Scotsmanality

~Whit

I’m not the average girl…
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:16 PM EST
Sorry I’m a bother…you don’t have to read the column or bite the carrot.

Good Idea….
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:18 PM EST
Thanks
@>—-

save your money…
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:21 PM EST
Most are thicker than longer. More enjoyable ;o) No need for a doctor…

great idea mystress
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:22 PM EST
Thanks Whit…nice to have a friend.

@>—-

great idea mystress
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:30 PM EST
can we be internet bf and bf?

I HAV QUESTION
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:31 PM EST
MYSTRESS I HAVE A QUESTION I WAS WITH MY BITCH AND I WAS SHOVING THE DICK IN HER AT OVER 500 MPH UNTIL THE PUSSY WAS SPITTING OUT BLOOD AND SPUNK ALL OVER THE PLACE AND IT WAS MAKIN A VERY WEIRD NOISE UNTIL I REALIZE MY GF IS DEAD

QUESTION – IS THIS BAD

I HAV QUESTION
Authored by: Mistress jen on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:43 PM EST
not if you’re into nercomance..

I HAV QUESTION
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 05:48 PM EST
Wow, you’re funny buddy. Try to at least be original next time, faggot.

I HAV QUESTION
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 10:09 PM EST
You have problems…there is no help for you. Please pick up nearest weapon and take yourself out of this world.

If you can’t handle them…
Authored by: Dr. Mort on Tuesday, January 14 2003 @ 11:11 PM EST
I don’t know, Keith is a big time author now, the royalties have got to be rolling in, he could afford some jewellery and a nice dress for A-Well, maybe even some new shoes, go get ‘em tiger!

I lack the equipment to have a boner.
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Wednesday, January 15 2003 @ 02:40 PM EST
like a great man once said “its not the size its how u use it”

Mystress
Authored by: Some Random Fag on Wednesday, January 15 2003 @ 08:42 PM EST
Good idea, Mystress.

She looks Russian to me.

-3Hns1 ..

Mystress
Authored by: Stixx on Saturday, January 17 2004 @ 06:17 AM EST
I’m leaving a comment because it’s fun. That is all.

—
Team Whiskers: We start what we finished.