Hi, I’m WT. I’ve been a member of the NPP community for years now, and in that much time you share a lot with people. For me, it’s always been the stories of my life. It’s something the people of No Pants Provided have sort of come to count on. Birds fly. Fish Swim. WT Does Stupid Shit Then Posts About It. So when, after a two and a half year run of no real romantic interaction to speak of, I announced that I was going on a date, things quickly escalated. And that’s where we find ourselves now.

The story of how I met Not-Really-Named-Kara is a vaguely convoluted one. It starts, as all good stories do, on the internet. I have been a member of a dating website for some time now to mixed success. I’ve had a few dates from there, but they’ve near universally been disastrous. The time I made it all the way to the date only to find out she was fourteen. The time she turned out to be married. The girl who hit me with her hello kitty purse for no reason I could discern. And yet, I solider on, in the hopes that Ms. Right is not only out there, but is in this particularly asinine corner of the internet.

About one month ago, after much convincing, I talked a buddy of mine into signing up for this site in the hopes of getting him over his ex. He’d made plans to move out to live with her in California, but the night before he was going to leave she called and broke up with him. The poor guy was barely coherent for months afterwards, and I figured this would be a good place to dip his toe back into the dating pool. And somehow it worked. He went out on a couple of dates with a couple of girls, but didn’t really like any of them. One of these girls was Kara.

Kara was unaware that she’d been on a date with my best friend a week prior.

So to say that I was a little uneasy when Kara contacted me about having dinner would be an understatement. Now, obviously this wasn’t a girl he was interested in, but still. The last time I dated a girl he’d gone out with we didn’t talk for over a year. So I did the gentlemanly thing and asked his permission. With his blessing in hand, I agreed to go out with Kara, and we made plans to see a movie.

Now, my general theory with dates is that one should go see a movie BEFORE you eat dinner, because then even if the rest of the conversation is bombing you can talk about what you just saw. So we went to see The Hangover, even though we’d both seen it already. It’s a film that holds up surprisingly well for the majority of it’s laughs being based on surprise. But I digress.

The film over, I agonized internally over where to take her to dinner. Do you take her someplace nice, like Red Lobster? Or would that set too high a precedent too early on, leaving me no room to grow into? McDonalds is always an option, because there’s some great deals on the dollar menu. I quickly split the difference and chose a Chinese Food buffet. Inexpensive, but with a hint of class, and not too filling. This seemed to be a win all over.

Over dinner, we talked about our jobs, our lives, and eventually fell back on what I knew we would, movies. It is here that she became flabbergasted at the plethora of films I’d yet to see. At one point she stopped, mouth agape, as I’d not seen her all time favorite movie. She said that this was a problem we had to promptly rectify. After all, what is your life worth if you’ve not seen what she described as the greatest film of all time…

National Treasure, starring Nick Cage

We returned to her apartment, where she quickly located and inserted the disk. As I sat enthralled with the heroics of Mr. Cage, I soon found myself distracted. A hand was creeping up my leg, ever closer to grabbing the proverbial stainless steel ring. In my experience, a genital piercing is not something you want to spring on people. It’s better to let them know beforehand, as explanations lead to curiosity. By the time I’d registered all this and began to formulate a statement, we were kissing. And then things sort of got away from me.

Lying nude in the afterglow, she asked about my hoop. So I gave her the unabridged tale. And by that, I mean including the portion about why I can never run for mayor, because I posted pictures on the internet for this very community. That’s right, lying nude next to a girl who’d performed oral on me once, and seemed open to the prospect of doing so again, I went ahead and discussed NPP with her. And somehow… that was fine. Mikey asking to see a Mark Henry Action Figure bench press my dick was ok. Flying out to see Stixx & hanging with Vern wasn’t a weird proposition. The idea that I fully intend to invite both the two of them & Taff to my wedding someday was perfectly plausible. Maybe it was that we’d met on the internet ourselves, or maybe she was just THE ONE, but I decided then and there that there was a question I wanted to ask her.

“Hey, you wanna get dressed and go meet my parents?”

To Be Continued…