Written by Stixx

If there’s one thing about the SouthBest that I can attest to, it’s that its really warm. I’ve noticed that in such warm climates that it’s really hot. Anyone with me on that? Especially this desert bullshit. I was not properly warned before moving to the AXO Global Headquarters here in Arizona. State of the art medical facilities here at the compound, which is a bonus since Flash Justice runs around with a wet floor sign dropkicking everyone in sight. Back when he was Roadietussen, he and M-10 should have had a long run with the AXO World Tag Team Titles. But you know the Keep It Real Krew… they keeps it real fo YOU. Which means no-selling everything and breaking my right humerus. Which, let me tell you, was not funny. Sleeping sitting up for two weeks = bad times. Fucking Stabmaster Arson.

Here in hot ass AZ, fireworks are illegal. Mostly. You can buy pop-its at Wal-Mart, but what kind of shit is that? We go over on ROTW 700 years ago and the best we can do down here to celebrate is stomp on some noise-makers? What’s going to catch fire here? IT’S THE GODDAMN DESERT. Watch out, dust and sand! I got a roman candle! RUUUUUUUUUUUUN~! And running sucks. The only people who enjoy running are people that get paid for it somehow. Like that one negro who won some shit at something or another at some point in time, then had a jack move pulled on him for taking etc. He used to drive that blue car. That he stole.
Thieves. Have they ever been good for anything? Other than acquiring things that had not previously belonged to them without an exchange of currency taking place. And by currency, I mean the USAmerican dollar. If you foreigners have any issues, take it up with NippleAppleCrap. Last I heard he was the go-to guy for complaints, rather than your local mounties or whatever. I’m beginning to think I need a shock stick. Not a tazer like that one that took out pussy ass heeb Bill Goldberg, those aren’t nearly impressive enough. I’m talking THIS:

Now THAT’S an American sized weapon! At last check, that bad boy put out 80,000 volts. Enough to crispify five giraffes, eight zebras or 2/5ths of Mousehole. Not saying Hole’s huge, but apparently the Bev Hotel shut down CUZ HE ATE ALL TEH FOOD LOLOL. Taco Bell can fuck right off here too, by the way. Open late? NOT IN GLENDALE! Closed at midnight. Midnight. No one could possibly be hungry immediately after the calendar turns to the next day! Not to mention the fact that the Taco Bell right by the spot is the ONLY place in a ten mile radius where you DON’T see Mexicans employed. I was going to go with “working”, but HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. SAY HAI WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN U CROSS A MEXICAN WIHT AN OCTOPUS?! I DON’T KNOW EITHER BUT IT SURE CAN PICK THE HELL OUT OF SOME LETTUCE AHAAHHAhahahsdkl;jfkl;sdjfjkl;sdjfdskl;fjsdkl;jfsd;j

They’re not nearly as good as the chinese, but you take what you can get. Like when I bashed up to Food City earlier. Brew here is mad expensive. So much so that I’ve mulled over the concept of going to the state capital and smacking around various senators and other such government types. Four pints for four dollars?! What is this, Estonia?!? I have a habit to keep up here, Arizona, and you are not helping at all. Neither is the sun, which in addition to being the hottest place on Earth is also the hottest place in Arizona. The sto is like two blocks up the road and I figured I’d walk. Got to watch my figure. At about 6pm. Little did I know, until I got up to 43rd and Glendale Ave. and glanced across the way at the Walgreens sign that it was 532 degrees out. Which would explain the trail of nutsack sweat drops I’d left behind like Hansel and His Yak. Fortunately, Food City was also right there and is vaguely air conditioned, so I got the fuck in there like a dude who is very eager to have intercourse with a chick.

This is what pisses me off, amongst other things. Hoes want to have multiple orgasms, usually every time. And usually every time, we (me and other heteros.. soz Scots) get one nut. One. Then it’s beer, smoke, and snooze time. But oh ho ho ho NO! Get your girl off FOUR THOUSAND TIMES before you even THINK about being so selfish as to bust one yourself. And God forbid if you DON’T get her off even once. Holy Mary full of grace or whatever shit Catholics say, that’s mega death. Your Pinup Supermodel Perfect Never Even Took A Shit In Her Life Girlfriend ONE TIME didn’t get what she wanted, and YOUR scrubby ass did?! You dicknut garbage prick! How could you not possibly understand her super-sensitive clitoral needs and whatnot that one time?! Fucking asshole. What were you thinking? Baseball? You failed. You must be gay for… uh, who’s a baseball guy? Willie Mays? Is that a person that existed? You’re Scotsman for him, then. And clearly not a fan of YOUR New York Mets. Unless Willie Mays played for them.

Zelda Classic is a frustrating playing experience, tbf. KAK and I are probably the only ones who’ve even gotten down on it… but Link to the Heavens is ranking up there with Adventures of Bass 2 as hardest haX ever. That training ground is bullshit. Wizzrobes, blue knight things, that piece of shit faggot that steals your sword, the pancake stack fucker that eats your shield, and the rest in the same room?! FUCK THAT. Why don’t you just cut off my balls and kidnap my kid while you’re at it? It may or may not be less painful.

Okay, I have to shoot here for a second. The concept of kidnapping Stixx Kid is the most horrific thing I can imagine, and I would dedicate my life to hunting down and slaughtering anyone that had any part in taking my daughter from my wife and I. Serious, no playing, no lulz, real life death. I don’t actually have any intention of informing Stixx Daughter’s boyfriends of sexual tactics, and in fact I will more than likely maim any male suitors that come within a two mile radius of my baby girl. If The Legendary Blackwolfe, Johnboy, and The R.O.B. don’t get to that sack of hormones first. Fuck, this team is stacked…

I don’t trust him either. And by him, I mean Barackalacki Obamalamadigdog. There are scaaary things afoot that might thrill ROTW, since pretty much anyone that isn’t North American or from some parts of Australia (because they THUG NIGGAZ like Best Of The World aka USA! USA! USA!) are communists and possibly terrorists. Except also for the guys who are cool. Splitting up Carlito and Primo?! TOILET RANKED BOOKING. Seriously, Steph needs a row with a wanker. Moreso than the one she’s been rowing with for the last eight years. You know the guy. The one who gets booked into superior positions regardless of circumstance? Who gets put over EVERYONE because of who he is despite the fact that he’s balsa-wood frail? Even though there are OTHER performers who have been released for lesser crimes?

Yup. Batista.

And it was a cool 80 degrees in Food City. I got my beer and returned without incident.

OR DID I?!?!?