So I saw that someone ripped and posted ALL the UFC DVD’s in alt.binaries.tvseries and I of course downloaded them to watch and after intialy just giving some quick thoughts on the forums, decided i’d do as comprenhensive a review of these early as shows as my brain will allow.

I’m coming into these pretty blind as I only recall seeing 2 UFC shows prior to a few years ago, one was on tape and the other I watched on scramblevision, so this should be fun.

The opening promo proclaims that 8 of the deadliest fighters in the world will compete tonight. Lies!

There are no rules, no judges and no time limits! We’re introduced to Royce Gracie and a bunch of WORLD CHAMPIONS in various fighting styles.

10 seconds into the innagural broadcast the lead announcer, Bill Wallace, gets the name of the company wrong and then BURPS!! LOL. AWESOME.

They have 3 people announcing, Burper Bill Wallace, Jim Brown and some Karate chick named Kathy Long are at the main table and theres a guy in the crowd and a guy in the ring. Overkill. Poor Bill Wallace is trippin all over his words and it’s clear he has no idea what is going on here. Fantastic.

Wallace asks Brown if he would dare to fight in this event, Brown says no way and Wallace retorts by saying “all you have to do is climb over the ropes.” He then, when asking the Karate lady how she would cope with fighting in this event, says that she is “not very big”, she replies by saying she would rely on her speed if she were a guy and much bigger. Whattttt? She’s kind of hot though. Wallace keeps talking about ropes. ROPES.

Rod Machado is our man in the crowd doing analysis, he thinks alot of the fights will go to the ground.

Brian Kilmeade is in the ring, Wallace calls him Brian Killmore. He shows us the cage and stumbles over his words alot. All these dudes are mush mouthed and nervous.

Wallace, while running down the brackets just called one of the fighters a Savate PLAYER and another one a boxing person. A boxing person.

First fight is between a sumo guy named Teila Tuli whom the Burper Bill is calling Taylor Tyler, lol. Oh this is fuckin great. Tuli says the strongest part of his body is his heart. I doubt that. Tuli is fighting Gerard Gordeau, the savate player, he hopes to win the tournament and not make mistakes. 2 good goals I suppose.

Tuli rushes Gordeau and then falls down, likely from the weight of his tits dragging him down, and then Gordeau KICKS HIM SQUARE IN THE FACE AND. The fat dude is busted open and on dream street but the ref doesnt know what to do so he CALLS TIMEOUT.

This is so awesome, no commision, no rules, NO IDEA HOW THE FIGHTS ARE SUPPOSED TO END!

“doctors” work on fatty for like 5 minutes before someone decides he can’t continue and they stop it. lololol.

Fight #2 is between Kevin Rozier, a world kickboxing champion and he’s a tubby fuck. he’s shaped like an egg. He looks like he’s wearing a diaper for fuck sakes. Burper Bill says that the kickboxer uses boxing and kicking techniques. Yes I bet he does. His opponent is Zane Frazier, a 4 time Karate champ who says god is on his side, we’ll see. Bill makes the deep observation that “pain hurts”. Yip.

The fight starts and it’s pretty damn fun as they each take turns beating on each other, both men landing some strong shots. About a minute in they both appear gassed though as the shots arn’t quite as strong and they’re doing alot of clinching with the odd shot thrown in. Frazier appears to have a sick open wound on his shoulder but he’s landing the majority of the shots as fatty just leans on him. Frazier gets tubbys back and delivers a knee to the head but fatty gets up and they’re standing again. Rozier throws an exhausted punch that misses by about 2 feet, heh. Frazier does some taunting as Rozier seems to be winded but then suddenly Rozier just starts nailing him with punches and sends Frazier to his knees. Shots to the back of the head and then TWO FUCKIN CURBSTOMPS and Fraziers corner throws in the towel. The karate chick says that when you get kicked in the back of the head it can knock you out. Yeah, i’d assume. Burper Bill then adds his 2 cents “It can discomboberate you”, it sure can Bill, it sure can.

For what I believe is the first time tonight they announce that rounds are 5 minutes each. They interview Rozier and apparently he’s retired, that would explain the giant egg shape I suppose. He also says “i’m not a great interview”.
Karate chick says that “his strategy of let him hit me till he tires out seemed to work well”, she said this in total seriousness.

Fight #3 is between Royce Gracie and Art Jimmerson. Royce can’t speak english well and is also the definition of anit-charisma. Jimmerson is the IBF North American Cruiserweight champion, good for him. Bill refers to him as a boxing person, a boxing person. I should note that Jimmerson is wearing a single boxing glove. Christ. It appears they’ve added one of the outside guys to the announce table as he explains Ju Jitsu and the Gracie style, so it’s pretty clear that this was setup to feature Royce. They do nothing alot as the announcer talks about the clinch alot. Royce takes the dude down and gets on top and smothers him. Jimmerson fuckin taps out of boredom, WTF. A total abortion of a “fight”. The announcers try and say that he was smothered. Yeah, smothered by boredom.

The final first round fight is between Ken Shamrock and Patrick Smith. Ken is a shootfighter, Smith is a Tae Kwon Do dude. Smith, while riding a stationary bike says that he is the most strongest and most powerfullest, okie dokie.

Smith is from Denver, where the event is taking place, so he gets a nice hometown pop. His record in whatever the fuck he’s supposed to do is 250-0. LOL. They might as well have said he shits gold bars and pisses champagne.

Shamrock just looks like a total badass. Bill reiterates that “pain hurts”.

Ken gets him down quickly and gets in Smiths guard. They each get a few shots in before Ken drops back and grabs the leg, Smith is fighting like hell to get out of it but Shamrock makes him tap to an ankle lock. He’s now 250-1. Ken seems to want to beat on him some more and Smith starts yapping before being led out of the cage by his cornerman, what a bitch.

The announcer asks Ken, “I see you have a cut on your head, is that cause your opponent was using eye gouges?” lol, what?
Ken totaly no sells the entire concept by saying that this is easier than fighting in Japan cause these goofs don’t know any submissions. Fuck, I had no idea how good a character Shamrock was. He has tons of charisma.

The lady chick called Royce, Moyce, LOL. Ok, I can’t even begin to describe the conversation the announcers are having. Burper Bill is trying to say that Ken was winded and Royce was able to just go right back to the locker room without breaking a sweat, obviously intimating the Ken is the more tired of the 2. The lady then says that yes, Royce went back to his locker room to try and rest, which is smart. She totaly misses the point. Ok, then they show the brackets, Royce and Shamrock will face in one semi while Gordeau and Rozier will fight in the other. Bill asks Jim Brown about the Gordeau/Rozier fight and Jim says “I think two of these guys will end up fighting, and it’s not either one of these.” So despite the brackets being on the screen, and just being told that Gordeau/Rozier is a semi final fight, he still somehow thinks Royce and Shamrock will meet in the final.

The good announcer brings up the fact that the ground game might not seem as exciting, to which Bill replies that the people just can’t see what’s going on as good as they can at the announce table, apparently having no idea how TV works. Jim Brown mentions that Rozier might not be in great shape. Oh he’s in great shape, egg shape, hahahaha.

We’re set for the semi finals now and the first fight will be Gordeau vs Rozier. Fuckin fattass Rozier just looks so awesome as he walks around with his arms wide and whenever he kicks it takes him like 10 seconds to get his chubby stump in the air. He just looks awesome. Gordeau fuckin decimates him, knocking him down at which point fatty covers up in a “please don’t hit me” stance. Gordeau keeps backing off slightly and Rozier keeps half assed trying to get up but he’s too fat and finaly Gordeau stomps him in his ribs and beaches him as Rozier lays on the mat and taps. Gordeau seems like a pretty legitimate fighter.

I need to take a moment and mention that Burper Bill Wallace, despite having no idea what’s going on, continues to talk down to the viewer by saying “what the people don’t understand is that……” Normaly it’d be annoying, but he’s so fucking cheerfull in his complete lack of knowledge that it’s just great.

They interview Fatty Rozier and he challenges all those so called Super Heavyweight Kickboxing champions to a fight, as soon as he gets his weight down. I guess he’s coming out of retirement. He blames his weight and the altitude on his being winded. He seems kind of like a dick but he’s also having fun, so yeah, ok. They ask him why he didn’t attack Gordeaus apparently broken hand, to which he says he had no idea it was broken, lol. He claims he lost 45 pounds in 3 weeks and says that if they do another UFC he’ll be there. He also mentions at the end of his interview that Gordeau is a great guy and he hopes he wins it all because this is his last fight. Gee, it would of been nice if the announcers had covered that aspect, I wonder why they didn’t try and build up that storyline. COUGHsuckroycegraicesballsCOUGH.

In disecting the Shamrock/Gracie semi final fight, Bill says that we may see alot of fainting and posturing to set up the “kaboomer”. I wish more people used the “kaboomer”.

Shamrock just fuckin marches to the cage like he’s on a mission.

They start and Ken gets on top but appears to go for a leg and as he drops back Royce just rides him back and pops up on top of him. Royce then gets the back and gets the choke forcing Ken to tap. So Ken taps and Royce lets go and then holds his body as he talks to him for like 10 seconds while the ref doesn’t know what’s going on, lol. Finaly Gracie gets up and they shake and jaw and it’s all very weird. Jim Brown wants to know what happened, heh.

They interview Ken who suddenly isn’t so charasmatic, lol.

Ken: I went for the leg and he got my neck.
Announcer: And you couldn’t breathe?

Brilliant.

Ken then explains what went down as apparently Royce was willing to let the fight continue cause the ref didn’t see any of Kens FOUR taps, but Ken says that that wouldn’t have been fair and Royce had already broken the hold.

Helio Gracie is in the ring for some sort of ceremony. The karate chick says that it’s rare when you see the founder of a fighting system still alive. The crowd is shitting all over the ceremony as the MC goes Helios legacy in broken english. Poor Helio is old and doesn’t seem to understand english so he’s got some lady translating to him, the MC presents him with a plaque and the crowd sort of pops but doesn’t really know what the fuck is going. This is a total Gracie wankfest as it seems the MC is Rorion Gracie, whom they finaly put a chyron up for right as his speech ends. Helio then gives a speech thru the translator and whatever he’s saying it doesn’t make much sense.

With that over it’s time for the finals of Gerard Gordeau vs Royce Gracie. Remember that Gordeau has a broken hand. Burper Bill points out that Gordeaus foot is wrapped and wonders aloud if Roziers tooth didn’t cut it when Gordeau kicked him in the face earlier in the night, he then says that the mouth is the dirtiest part of the human body to which the karate chick says “you would know more about that than we do Bill”.

The bell rings, Royce shoots in, the clinch for awhile and then Royce gets on top and then gets his back and then he slips in the choke and Gordeau taps a few times on the mat with his left hand, then he taps Royces shoulder, then the ref comes in to try and get Royce off as Gordeau is now tapping the mat with his right hand and Royce STILL WONT LET GO. He finaly lets go, what a fuckin cock. Burper Bill says “what the public does not understand……”, like 3 more times when disecting the fight. They announce Royce as the winner and interview him in the ring. Theres like 30 Gracies in the ring. Pretty boring interview till at the end Royce cracks a big smile and says he’s going to Disneyland, pretty funny.

Jim Brown is talking to Bill, Bill is talking to the karate chick, lol. They present Royce a check for $50,000 as Bill signs off. I hope he’s back for UFC 2.

All in all it’s a fun show for all the wrong reasons. Gordeau, Shamrock and Gracie seemed to be the only competent fighters when it came to anything other than wildly flailing your arms and the announcing was a train wreck of monumental proportions. Worth a look for historical and comedy purposes but in general the fights arn’t all that great.