written by buckdiddy

The year 2009 was quite the up and down year not only in the walled in community of the faithful NPPers but in the world itself. You had the first mixed raced president who also got a Nobel Peace Prize for what he plans to do, Michael Jackson and Patrick Swayze died and YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB KIDMAN!!! But that’s not we are here to discuss in this article. No, this is the Best and Worst Movies of 2009.

Last year we had only nine lists come in but this year we had a whopping increase to thirteen for the best movies and eleven for the worst. Also, with this increase came the choice to increase it from a top 5 to a top ten for both because, well, I said so damnit!!!

Now before I go on to the lists I’m going to give a shout out to the movies that didn’t make either top tens. There were a total of 82 movies listed in a whole with 42 of those considered good movies while 40 got declared terrible or worse.

Now if anyone actually read last year’s list you would know that Wall-E was the only movie to receive a best and worst nomination. This year three movies were bestowed this honor and two actually got saved from the top ten worst. These two movies are Bruno and Observe and Report with Miss March being the other. The people who saved them you ask? Slappy and Hamass saved Bruno while Slappy played savior again to save Observe and Report with Boner and Joey voted positive for Miss March. I agree with these guys that they were good movies but alas they did not make my final list (except Miss March, still on the waiting list).

In #1 news, nine movies were listed as the best with only two of those not actually making the final top ten list. Slappy’s #1 In The Loop and my own #1 Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans being those two. In the #1 worst category only 8 were listed as the worst and oddly enough Bruno and Observe and Report were two of them. I will post the full list in the comments section but now it is time to start the lists. Starting off with the best.

Before I start the list I would like to list the six movies that got multiple votes but didn’t crack the top; #38. Funny People (1.5 pts, 2 votes), #24. Zombieland (6 pts, 3 votes), #15. Invictus (11 pts, 2 votes), #14. (500) Days of Summer (13 pts, 2 votes), #13. Away We Go (15 pts, 2 votes), #12. Moon (15 pts, 3 votes), #11. Taken (15 pts, 2 votes)

Ooh, atom bomb sex. Kinky.

10. Watchmen: 15.5 pts (3 out of 13 lists, #1 by Joey@75)

Barely edging out Taken thanks not only to Taken’s mainly 2008 release which lost it technical points but Skooch’s Top 15 list Watchmen starts our list. I used Skooch’s extra five to decide tiebreakers as well as votes. Watchmen drew the line in the sand between purists and regular fans and it’s one of those movie where you like it or hate it. Some people still don’t even understand there is no such thing as “heroes” in the real world as the movie and comics tries to point out.

“None of you seem to understand. I’m not locked in here with you. You’re locked in here with *ME*!”

Mmmmm, girl on girl.

9. Drag Me To Hell: 16.5 pts (4 out of 13 lists, #2 by buckdiddy)

Sam Raimi went back to his roots after working on Spider-Man for the better part of the decade and turned out a horror movie that is better than almost anything that came out in the 2000’s. Plus, it delivers. Oh God does it deliver.

“You tricked me, you black-hearted who-o-o-o-o-ore! You b-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-itch!”

Ooh, atom bomb sex from a different angle. Kinkier.

8. The Hurt Locker: 19 pts (2 out of 13 lists, #1 by Vern)

Released in the summer this indie war drama got rave reviews and this is from the director of Point Break and Strange Days, one amazingly awesome in many ways and an underrated sci-fi thriller. If this doesn’t get any awards at the Golden Globes tonight it’ll be a shame.

“There’s enough bang in there to blow us all to Jesus. If I’m gonna die, I want to die comfortable.”

Kenny Powers, bitch!

7. Up in the Air: 21 pts (3 out of 13 lists, #2 by Vern & Nateeasy)

Director of Thank You For Smoking and Juno comes back with yet another powerful movie that has George Clooney as business who has perfected the art of firing people for others.  George Clooney is so dreamy.

“I’m like my mother, I stereotype. It’s faster.”

Don't be fooled by the muscles but he's a gentle giant.

6. I Love You, Man: 23 pts (4 out of 13 lists, #4 by Joey@75 & WhiteChocolate)

An early 2009 comedy which despite the casting a healthy dose of Apatow clansmen it is not an Apatow movie. Jason Siegel and Paul Rudd are a comedic pair that rivals Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels for on screen bromance chemistry.

“Slappin’ da baaaaaaassssss!”

OMGSYLARNOLOLGETITBCHESONHEROES

5. Star Trek: 29 pts (5 out of 13 lists, #1 by andysharkey)

The first true blockbuster of Summer 2009, Star Trek was loved by not only critics but fans, babies, Klingons and apparently Andysharkey from India. Also, it’s hard to believe with how many movies he phones it in on but Eric Bana actually acts well.

“Live long and prosper.”

This prawn's identity has been protected for the safety of him and his family.

4. District 9: 53 pts (8 out of 13 lists, #1 by Boner)

People thought Star Trek would be the sci-fi movie of 2009 but District 9 came out of nowhere like Vince Papale did for the Philly Eagles. 2009 is not only a box office setting year but it set the tone for indie success that  could happen in the next decade.

“I mean, you can’t say they don’t look like that, that’s what they look like, right? They look like prawns.”

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

3. The Hangover: 57 pts (9 out of 13 lists, #2 by YourRealDad and Boner)

Some would call this Dude, Where’s My Car? with a better story but it’s more than just that. Zach Galifianakis brings the funny, Ed Helms breaks out from his Office role and Bradley Cooper turns into leading man. Add to the fact that nothing in the movie feels like filler where most comedies would fail in that aspect.

“Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ri-tard.”

Certainly no stereotypes in this movie. None at all.

2. Up: 74 pts (9 out of 13 lists, #1 by Skooch and nateeasy)

A movie that is nearly loved by all except five critics including the one critic who hates all good movies and loves bad ones, Up is Pixar’s 3434554545 millionth Best Animated Feature movie. Granted this movie does try real hard to make you tear up about 10 times in the first 10 minutes. I WILL NOT CRY I AM A MAN DAMNIT!!!

“I was hiding under your porch because I love you.”

1. Inglourious Basterds: 76 pts (9 out of 13 lists, #1 by YourRealDad, coolhandluke, PorkChopCunt, WhiteChocolate)

After what I considered a letdown movie in Death Proof, Tarantino comes back with a powerful movie that not only has a great ensemble cast but he has made one of the greatest WW2 movie not because of its gripping detail to the truth but the originality and amazing stand alone scenes. He also intertwines stories quite well which is a Tarantino staple.

“That’s a bingo!”

Top Ten Worst Movies of 2009.

And now for the worst of the worst of the worst of 2009. Unlike last year where The Love Guru ran away with the honor this year was a tougher battle to become the worst but one movie did it. But some factual need to stated first.

Out of the 11 lists, um, listed, four movies were listed more than once that fell outside of the top ten and they are; #36 Miss March (-3 pts, 1 worst vote/1 best vote), #24 Obsessed (-6 pts, 2 votes), #13 Bruno (-10 pts 2 worst votes/2 best votes), #11 Observe and Report (-11 pts 4 worst votes/2 best votes).

And other than Bruno and Observe and Report, Public Enemies is the only #1 voted worst movie of the year to not make the top ten. Sorry Hamass/Sausagefeet/Baconface/PorkChopCunt/BrisketBalls.

Blade's gonna get you motherfucker.

10. Twilight: New Moon: 17 pts (2 out of 11 lists, #1 by Nateeasy)

Ah yes good old Twilight also known as overdramatic teen nonsense. You got mexicans that turn into big wolves, vampires that twinkle in the sun, Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart looking hot. I do hear that the last book of the series has Jacob falling in love with a baby and making love to it. Twilight: Werewolf Baby Rape.

“No. Forget it. No more bike.”

I like it when she doesn't talk.

9. Jennifer’s Body: 17 pts (3 out of 11 lists, #3 by WhiteChocolate)

Diablo Cody’s follow up to Juno was a Megan Fox led horror flick. Yeah, don’t let Megan Fox lead anything but your dick in her mouth, vaginal cavity or sphincter hole. Only kind of acting she can do is be seductive.

“Yeah, right. I’m not even a backdoor-virgin anymore, thanks to Roman. By the way, that *hurts*. I couldn’t even go to flags the next day. I had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas.”

Spoiler Alert: Pants are on the ground.

9. Land of the Lost: 17 pts (3 out of 11 lists, #2 by Hamass)

I actually enjoyed this more than I should have. So sue me for liking a T-Rex throwing an oversized walnut at Will Ferrell after he mocks him that he has the brain the size of a walnut. Would have like to seen him get pooped out of the T-Rex to be fair.

“If you don’t make it, it’s your own damn “vault.” That’s a bitch slap of truth right there.”

Holy pick axe it's a pick axe!!!

7. My Bloody Valentine: 18 pts (2 out of 11 lists, #1 by coolhandluke)

An unnecessary remake…IN 3-D!!! Watch out for that pick axe! The only good thing I heard about this is that there is a woman who walks around full frontal for a long period of time. I love movies.

“We *are* an inbred mining community, Ben.”

He just had an explosivo in his pants. Someone will get that.

6. Year One: 21 pts (3 out of 11 lists, #3 by buckdiddy)

Man this movie was something else. It just feels like it was half finished when I watched it. Some jokes never pay off, terrible transitions and what the fuck Olivia Wilde is hot. I must admit though that other than all that it had it moments.

“Princess Inanna: Come, come quick
Zed: That will not be a problem. What are we doing here?
Princess Inanna: I want you to enter the holy of holies
Zed: Oh that is quite a coincidence, because I want you to sit on the poliest of polies.”

He's watching you watch incest porn.

5. Friday the 13^th: 22 pts (3 out of 11 lists, #2 by buckdiddy)

This is another useless horror remake. Jason needs to stay dead. Would have rather saw Freddy v. Jason v. Ash in all its over the top corny goodness. Instead Jason can run now and kills teens in, get this, a cabin out in the woods. Boggled minds were had.

“Are you kidding? I have a better shot at fucking a penguin than that girl.”

Seriously, that's the best action shot I could find. NOTHING HAPPENS!!!

4. Paranormal Activity: 23 pts (3 out of 11 lists, #1 by buckdiddy and Joey@75)

The worst attempt at horror I have ever seen. Neither character is likeable, it’s so obviously fake, the payoff is worse than having diarrhea and I got more scared by a nightmare where a cat bit me than this piece of shit. You suck movie and I don’t know how you made money. Wait, what’s that? Every girl in the world thinks it scary? Fuck you women, this movie sucks. It’s just noises!!!

“Katie: You promised me you wouldn’t get a fucking Ouija board!
Micah: No – I promised I wouldn’t go *buy* Ouija board. I borrowed one.”

A method actor doing what he does best.

3. Paul Blart: Mall Cop: 28 pts (4 out of 11 lists, #3 by Ormie and Joey@75)

Guess what, it’s Kevin James playing a fat guy who isn’t good at what he does until one day he stumbles around and actually saves the day. A cookie cutter was asked for comment and he said, “This thing put me to shame. I only make circles, this guy does stars. Stars!”

“How about now? I’ll meet you on the corner of “NE” and “VER”!”

This was MTV's Best Kiss of 2009 oddly enough.

2. Wolverine: 31 pts (4 out of 11 lists, #1 by Andysharkey)

Many people stated they hated this movie but I must say I don’t hate it as much as I am disappointed with how it ends. The beginning of the movie is badass and gives Wolverine a chunk of his origin story without spending half the movie to do it. Then he gets the adamantium and it’s going along well until they start adding in more and more mutants until they completely fuck up Deadpool. Granted, it could be just a clone but fuck, Deadpool cracks jokes while he fights not whatever that was at the end.

“Wade Wilson: Great. Stuck in an elevator with five guys on a high-protein diet.
William Stryker: Oh, Wade.
Wade Wilson: Dreams really do come true.
William Stryker: Just shut it! You’re up next.
Wade Wilson: Thank you, sir. You look really nice today. It’s the green. It brings out the seriousness in your eyes.
Logan: Oh, my God. Do you ever shut up, pal?
Wade Wilson: No. Not when I’m awake.”

Best acting you will ever see. Ever!

1. Transformers 2: 44 pts (5 out of 11 lists, #1 by Vern and WhiteChocolate)

The voted worst movie of 2009. It literally makes no sense at all. If all of this stuff was on the planet beforehand why didn’t they make that the focus of the first movie rather than the Decepticons trying to get the All-Spark for no reason essentially. Plus Witwicky meets dead robots while he’s dead. Then Mufasa comes in and asks if they know where Simba is. Michael Bay, you suck.

“You ever had your stomach tongued by a mountain ox with a five-foot tongue? It’s fun for me, okay, Mikaela? And it smelled like… Like diesel! Like a diesel-y tinge to it!”

That wraps all of that up. Now enjoy your 2010 and make sure you eat lots of fatty foods.