By t-bagwell

AG 2008 – Season 1 – Episode 5

Hosts: Hulk Hogan & Laila Ali

MEN’S MATCH: “I Fight Fires But My Tats Are More Important” Son Nguyen vs. Evan “2 Scoops” Dollard

WOMEN’S MATCH: “Lard Girl” Jennifer Blum vs. “Me Ruvv American Gradiators” Christine Kim

Men’s Event #1 – Gauntlet
Gladiators: Titan, Mayhem, Somoa Toa & Justice

Ugh, the guys better go on last in the semis and finals. I’m not liking this new format. Backstage interview segment with Evan. He talks about his mom dying and cries. Okay, we should pity him, I guess. Anyways, Evan struggles through the course with just 0.4 seconds to spare to pick up 10.

Son is Asian and a Firefighter. Did I accidentally tune into Ninja Warrior?! But hey, he’s Asian and a firefighter, so according to previous precedents set by NW, he should do pretty well for himself… unless he doesn’t adhere himself to stereotypes. Son bows before starting the game, HAHA. According to Ninja Warrior, that means he respects the course! Son can’t get past the final Glad so he only picks up 6 points.

Women’s Event #1 – The Wall
Gladiators: Venom & Siren

Backstage interview with Christine. She’s another Asian as somewhere in Nashville, Russo is saying “What are these gooks doing on the AMERICAN Gladiators?!” They showed a training montage of Christine and even there she looks slow and sloppy so I doubt she’ll do well in this. She reckons she’s a tomboy and a top athlete, however. Yeahsurewhatever.

Backstage interview with with Jennifer now. HAHA, Jenni’s fat! She also says she’s pretty well rounded! We already knew that! Aw jeez, after last week’s awesomeness with Monica we’ve come straight back to reality again with the awful female contestants, so I’m not looking foward to this.

Anyways, the Wall event begins and yup, I was right, the contenders are barely off the ground as the Glads commence and quickly get taken off.

Men’s Event #2 – Pyramid
Gladiators: Wolfman Jack & Justice

Hogan makes a big deal about the winner winning $100,000, but that kind of money won’t even pay for his limo driver, brother! Anyways, Justice easily manhandles Son, but Evan’s tenacious and Wolf has a hard time keeping him at bay. In the dying seconds Wolf hits a suicidal diving tackle on Evan. WOW. Got some AIR. No points for either guy.

Fun Fact: It took years before contestants learned that the ‘crossing over’ technique used in Pyramid was a good way to confuse the Glads and contestants have obviously been doing their homework because everyone of them has used that technique since this season started.

Women’s Event #2 – Earthquake
Gladiator: Crush

Despite being a lawyer, Jennifer’s gimmick is about making as many football references as possible. Awww, I wanted to hear some lawyer references! Where’s my “I rest my case” and “case closed” quotes?! Jennifer gets awarded 5 points by the ref despite being pushed out because Crush used her foot in an illegal manner. The fatass contender sez “she kicked me in the head, which is illegal!” and Crush is all like “It wasn’t a kick, it was a step!” and she’s not wrong!

Christine manages to hang on for 5, however. Oh and being an MMA fighter this should be the perfect event for Crush, but sadly doesn’t kick the kind of ass I expected her too.

Men’s Event #3 – Assault
Gladiator: Militia

Evan uses Belinda’s strategy from the week before by taking his sweet time to take aim and it pays off as he hits the bullseye. In a interview Hogan talks about tats with Son. What is it about Hogan and tats? And once again Hogan ignores the fact that he’s a FIREMAN because everyone knows having tats > fighting fires. Anyways Son sort of has the right idea, by taking his time when firing weapons, but he seems to waste more time trying to figure how the weapons work rather than taking aim. He only scores 2 points. Too bad the event doesn’t utilise the Crane Kick as a weapon.

Fun Fact: Old news, but incase you weren’t aware, Militia was a gay porn star.

Women’s Event #3 – Assault
Gladiator: Siren

Jenni doesn’t know how to work the slingshot, HAHA! But then I get to eat my words as she manages to hit her target on the second stage. Seems like the contestants have finally figured this course out: Don’t bother running the course because you won’t make it, but instead take extra time to take aim.

Seems like Christine wasn’t blessed with the same awareness, because she wastes no time firing her weapons as she attempts to run the course and not surprisingly she doesn’t make it and only picks up 3 points.

Men’s Event #4 – The Wall
Gladiators: Somoa Toa & Wolfman Jack

What’s up with this event not being shown after the women’s? The contenders reach the top with no real threat from the Glads. Evan gets the 10 points.

Women’s Event #4 – Hit & Run
Gladiators: Crush, Stealth, Fury & Hellga

Christine says she’s going to attack the event with SPEED! ..but in practice she attacks it by WALKING and CRAWLING! There isn’t a lot of energy to her performance but somehow scores well with 10.

Jenni does the old run and drop technique, but a little slow at picking her fat ass up again. She gets taken off the bridge in the dying seconds. Again, there wasn’t much energy to her performance, but scores well with 8. Hellga manages to get people to chant her name post-game. I’m as baffled as you.

Men’s Event #5 – Eliminator

Apparently the winner also gets to win a car too. According to previous winners who won a car they ended up having to sell it because they couldn’t insure it.

Evan makes a great start reaching the cargo net in 12 seconds. Sorry to bore you with this, but with all events it isn’t really how fit you are (although that is important), but more about technique. For instance Evan quickly spring-jumps over the wall instead of using the rope (like all the previous contestants have done) to pull himself up and he spends as little time in the water as possible so not to get water-lodged.

Son copies Evan’s technique and does well for himself to begin with, but struggles up the cargo net. Evan just about powers through on the handbike and continues to fly through the rest of the course to win. Some weird editing goes on as the clock switches off. Anyways, Evan apparently completes it in 1:29, which is the new record and it’s good to see a contender not have to cheat to set the eliminator record… *cough*monica*cough* I’ll give this eliminator **.

Women’s Event #5 – Eliminator

In a pre-game interview, Jenni says she feels sick from eating 400 pizzas beforehand. The women struggle climbing the wall like all women do, HAHA! They can never seem to find the door. *ahem* Anyways, Jenni makes a meal out of the cargo net, which is ironic because I’m sure Jenni doesn’t make a meal out of eating! Wow, Jenni’s totally gassed already. Too many cheeseburgers can tire you out I’m sure.

Neither girl even attempts the handbike or rolling log, HAHA! Christine thinks she’s back in China and competes the rest of the event shoeless. It also meant that she never had the traction needed to power up the treadmill. Jenni ends up winning and not surprisingly did not crack the women’s final four. I’ll go *.

NEXT WEEK – Will Spider Monkey remain in the final four?! I hope so! Plus some old lady takes on a cheerleader. Ugh, not looking forward to that. Only time I want to see a milf and a teenager in the same vicinity is during an episode of Fuck The Babysitter.

Final Thoughts: While usually, I get excited when a contestant breaks the Eliminator record, I have an uneasy feeling about this because the clock went off-screen during the run and can’t help but think the Eliminator may have been edited for dramatic effect. But nonetheless, Evan did seem pretty quick and attacked the course with rigor. Plus he also did well at scoring points, so he’s obviously the favorite by most to win the thing.

Also, Powerball wasn’t played tonight, HAHA. Guess the producers have learned their lesson already. And I’m glad they’ve stopped doing the thing where they blow the whistle to start an event and then jump straight to commercial.