Written by t-bagwell

AG 2008 – Season 1 – Episode 9 (Finals – Sooooo… It’s Over Already?!)

Hosted by Hulk Hogan & Laila Ali

WOMEN’S MATCH: “Cheating Bitch” Shanay Norvell vs. “Soccer Mom” Monica Carlson

MEN’S MATCH: “See you in the second season as a contestant” Alex Rai vs. “See you in the second season as a Gladiator” Evan Dollard

Even with the extra half hour, there’s still only 5 events again, so there’s plenty of filler and recaps here, which pretty much kill the pace of the episode. You would think this show was called American Contestants or something.

Women’s Event #1 – Hang Tough
Gladiator: Siren

There was at least 15 minutes before the first event. They really should have used the first hour to recap the season and do the proper hype job and use the second hour for the real episode.

Anyways, Siren was really awesome on this event as she pulled Monica off in 50 seconds and then Shanay in 40 seconds.

Men’s Event #1 – Hang Tough

Gladiator: Wolf

Wolf pulled Alex off in 30 seconds after putting his whole weight on him. Ouch. “What did I say Alex? What did I say?” HAHA, Wolf is always good for a soundbite.

Evan is up next, but Wolf was just way too aggressive here and that’s what made him lose his grip as Evan just about makes it to Wolf’s platform with a few seconds to spare. Evan already starts out with a strong point lead and if he continues on at this rate, this Eliminator won’t be much fun at all.

Women’s Event #2 – Assault
Gladiator: Hellga

It’s been 25 minutes as we begin the second event. Hellga’s man voice scares me. First up is Shanay. Her strategy seemed to be fire randomly, to hell with trying to hit the target. She fired two weapons, but then got taken out by a awesome head shot by Hellga, HAHA.

Next up is Mon and she hits the target with the slingshot! Holy crap! the Slingshot actually works?! Go Soccer Mom! Hellga’s “oh shit” was priceless.

Men’s Event #2 – Assault
Gladiator: Justice

I hope Justice busts out his Riverdance again. Alex only fired one weapon before being hit. Next up is Evan and he hits the target with the gun turret to pick up 10. Ugh, Alex has no chance to win now.

Women’s Event #3 – Joust
Gladiator: Crush

Here we go… My dream match: Monica vs. Crush! Pretty smart thinking from the producers holding off this bout for the finals as both are undefeated and pretty awesome in this event. Anyway, turns out Mon wasn’t much of a challenge as Crush just pounded her for the entire time as she stood and Crush was finally able to force Monica off the platform with only 2 seconds remaining. Awww. Anyways, this was probably the best Joust ever. Crush’s strategy isn’t going for the big blow to knock you off, it’s just to beat you senseless.

Next up is Shanay. Oh great, it’s the “sit on my ass” bitch. She wasn’t even subtle this time around as she dropped to her knees as soon as the whistle blew and managed to last the full 30 seconds. Weak, they really shouldn’t let contenders just turtle there. Post-game, Hulk says, “I can’t believe you’re still standing.” Yeah, but it’s the first time she has stood up since the event began. She then has the audacity to say that she was doing everything she could to stay on her feet. Good to know a motivational speaker is a liar and a cheat.

The turtle approach is unfair and not only is it impossible to win from that position, but also impossible for the Glad to knock you off. Staying low (not kneeling) is good strategy since it gives your a low centre of gravity, but going on your knees just isn’t fair. They should really enforce a rule for that next season. Man, AG must be the only show where I don’t like girls getting on their knees.

Men’s Event #3 – Joust
Gladiator: Titan

Evan vs. Titan… The Rematch! Man, Titan has got to stop shaking his thighs. OMG Titan did it again and owned him even faster this time with 1.8 seconds! Go Titan! “There can only be one” indeed. One of the writers must’ve watched Highlander the night before. Post-game interview, Evan does the drink the energy drink with the logo of the can facing the camera and smile plug.

Next up is Alex and Holy Crap, Titan did it again, knocking him off in just a few seconds! Titan friggin owns Joust. Titan and Crush need to mate. Their child would be born with a pogo stick in their hand.

Women’s Event #4 – Pyramid

Gladiators: Venom & Crush

I think Crush is the only woman that can contain Monica, so she should blow right by Venom, plus Crush should make that cheating bitch pay for that Joust cheating. Anyway, this event was a little strange as the contestants seemed more interested in wrestling with the Glads instead of running away from them. Oh well, wasn’t sound strategy, but it was very hot to watch. Venom surprises me here by managing to contain Mon.

Men’s Event #4 – Pyramid
Gladiators: Toa & Mayhem

Last Pyramid and no Titan and Wolf? Weak. I like Toa and all, but I’m more interested in seeing Wolf out for blood after Evan pwned him all those times. I guess Mayhem was put there to give Alex a chance to get some points.

Haha, Toa throws a wardance mid-event. Why did this man never choose wrestling as his profession? Alex reaches the 5 point scoring zone. Toa didn’t do much work here because Evan was stalling and doing everything, but make contact with him. Boring, but good thinking I guess; he’s already ahead on points and he can’t risk injuring himself this late in the game.

Women’s Event #5 – The Wall
Gladiators: Venom & Siren

Monica needs some points here for seperation. Soccer Mom reaches the top in 40 seconds and Shanay gets 5 points for hanging on to Venom’s grasp. Ugh, there should not be a 5 point reward for staying on the Wall. It should be all or nothing.

Men’s Event #5 – The Wall

Gladiators: Militia & Wolf

Evan’s a pro rock climber, so no-one’s catching him. Weird how they do Evan’s best event, but not Alex’s, which is Hit & Run. Evan flew up the wall for 10 points and Alex was next to reach the top for 5 points. Season’s over and Militia is still worthless.

Alex is truly screwed now. I feel bad for him because he’s a good athlete and was the only contender that could’ve given Evan a run for his money, but now he would be lucky just not to be lapped by Evan. The only way he ever had a chance was if he had a 10 second head start going into the eliminator.

Men’s Event #6 – Eliminator

Evan has a 9.5 second headstart, not that he needs it. The only bit of suspense now is whether or not he can beat his record. I just noticed Evan flies up the cargo net so fast because he uses the vertical part of the net to pull himself up instead of the horizontal part that has a lot of give to it and the cargo net is the longest taking part of the course, which would explain his super fast times. Anyways, Evan once again, posts the fastest time to date with 1:19. Bravo you speed freak! Seriously, he must be the fastest man alive or something.

Even though I wanted Alex ahead on points that was just so to make the eliminator more interesting, but the right guy won in the end. Haha, this show is stingy with it’s cash as Alex doesn’t even get a second place prize. ***

Women’s Event #6 – Eliminator

Monica has a 3.5 second headstart. This is a If Shanay Wins, I Stop Watching The Show Forever. Good thinking from the producers too, putting this on last because everyone knew Evan was going to win his match, but it’s a toss-up on who will win between the ladies.

Shanay struggles swimming under water. What is it with black people and water?! Both are neck and neck in the early stages. Speed up Soccer Mom! Both do the “Oh look, I can’t hold on to the handbike, not even for a split second, no cheating or shortcut taking going on here, no siree”.

Mon manages to extend her lead from that point on and once again botches the zipline drop. Good thing she’s not doing the Eliminator anymore because she was only going to break her ankles one of these days. Anyways, Monica wins the thing at 1:50. Thank the Lord! Haha, Shanay couldn’t cheat her way out of that one! This game was close and a lot better than the mens. ****

Also of note, after complaining that there’s no penalty on the handbike, there now seems to be one, but they must edit it out in post-production because when Mon fell off, she stood there for a few seconds before climbing back up. The timer also likes to disappear around that time too.

Final Thoughts – The women’s eliminator was close, but the men’s one went just as expected, but there was simply too much filler to make this episode enjoyable. The season finale ended on a high note at least, with the best contenders winning.

Monica is awesome and should transition into a Gladiator no problem and there’s not much size difference between her and her fellow Glads.

Evan on the other hand I’m not to sure off since his main skill is speed and agility and most of the games are power based. Plus the guy has the same build as Monica. The problem with putting Evan on the wall is that it would make the show seem rigged since it gives one competitor a clear advantage over another because they don’t have to contend against a professional rock climber. Evan is also awesome at Hang Tough, but he’s so small that even if Evan catches the contender, the contestant could still carry him and swing across to the other platform. Evan would probably make a great American Ninja Warrior, however.

Hopefully in season 2, they’ll be more episodes, more events and a lot less talk! Also I hope they won’t edit out any part of the events just to make way of more awful rehearsed interviews.