Written by Stixx

So I rolled (lolphysiqueofthefuture) out of bed today at about 3pm, as I am wont to do. Had a brb smoke and grabbed a beer, thinking a piece of toast sounded good. I wandered toward the kitchen, stopping at the kitchen table to collect my forgotten poker winnings from last night. TWO DOLLAS MUTHAFUCKA~! Fixed the tablecloth as it had gotten somewhat rumpled during the previous night’s proceedings. I hate that shit. I’m a neat and tidy sort, so after straightening that up I decided to run the vacuum. I’m always reaching for that brass ring. Why is it brass? What sort of motivation is that supposed to be? Wouldn’t a gold ring really get people to go for the gusto?

It’d probably get stolen by ethnic people.

After I finished vacuuming I remembered the toast. Since it took me about three beers to get to this point, you could definitely say I was feeling a bit peckish. I open up the cabinet, and what do I see? NOT A GODDAMN THING. Now, that could be because of my astigmatism. I was essentially born with it, but haven’t ever really done anything about it. I got glasses when I was five, but you know how kids are. Some of you more than others LOLOL. Shit. Where was I?

So I got made fun of in kindergarten because of my glasses. I wore them all of one day; after that, my fragile psyche could not handle the strain and I balked… yes BY GAWD I BALKED… and would wear the spectacles no mo. Ever since then I’ve periodically gotten new pairs of bifocals and, as I’ve grown older, I do occassionally wear them. Usually when I’m playing video games. Or trying to pass the vision test at the DMV. But mainly video games. You ever play Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo? Now THAT is a hell of a game, especially two player. You can have some wars on that thing. One player is fine, though the computer cheats. I assume.

You know what another fun two player game is? NES Play Action Football. Fucking ***** Classic. I know, I’m dating myself by busting this one out, but fuck it. Back in eighth grade, my homie and I played the hell out of that. I’d head up his house before school and we’d GET DOWN. After that, we’d play football. lolgay. The second half of that school year we regularly were at least an hour late to class as we’d miss the bus due to epic 8-bit pigskin action. Party was always over by about 8:30am though, as his mom would get up and discover that we were still there. She learned a valuable lesson very early into that period of time: don’t assume the house is empty and walk around naked. And hot damn, she was BANGIN’! I mean, sweet mother of Christ, the body on that woman. I saw her nude on about ten non-consecutive occassions, between the “SHIT WHY AREN’T YOU TWO AT SCHOOL?!” times and the fact that her bedroom had a sliding glass door to the backyard. After dark, we’d be out back playing capture the flag or suck the weiner or whatever young American Males (BAGWELL AND RIGGS FTW!) do, and she’d just be in there, butt ass naked and looking fine as fuck. I half suspected at the time that she wanted me to make a move on her. Nearly 20 years later, I can look back now and say with 100% certainty that she was just an idiot. Couldn’t argue with that brand of idiocy, though. Tasty.

No bread. There was NO FUCKING BREAD. Now I’m six beers in and I’m right steamed tbf. I want some GODDAMN TOAST. I saw that we had some hamburger buns, though, so I figured okay that’s more or less the same. My favorite hamburger buns are those onion muthafuckas… it’s like a party in your mouth that doesn’t involve penis! Give me a half pound burger with some pepper jack cheese and jalepenos on one of those onion buns, and I’m as happy as a clam. Whatever the fuck that means. Is this what our tax dollars pay for? Science has come to this? BATMAN IN DISCOVERING EMOTIONAL STATE OF BIVALVE MOLLUSK SHOCKER~! For the love of God, can we get some say into where our cash monies go? If I got a choice, I’d direct my fed tax cash toward Guapo. God knows he needs all the help he can get.

Seriously, that princess party shit pisses me the fuck off. “oh hai i <3 u guap n wnat 2 b ur wifey BUT ONLY IF YOU PAY SEVENTY BILLION DOLLARS FOR A TRUMPED UP BOX SOCIAL”

Then, to top it ALL off, he’s buying a condo. WTF?! Are you eighty years old? Do you want me to buy you a tip calculator before you move into Del Boca Vista? And you can’t even have a dish! FOR FUCKING ALLAH’S SAKE! Don’t miss the early bird, Guapo! If you can even afford it. I mean, I seriously like Guapo and all… not LIKE like, but he’s cool… but, as a well-wisher, you seriously need to put your foot down. Buy the bitch a double wide, a bottle of cris and a card that says:

HERE’S YOUR FUCKING GET-TOGETHER
ZIMA AND ASSBLAAAAAAAASSSST

love,
~MARK

Somebody gonna get they wig split. Kind of like when I split that hamburger bun and put it in the toaster. I stood around and waited, as toasters take too fucking long… and let me tell you, I’m really fucking sick of things taking too long. Isn’t there anything faster than a microwave? Well, probably a replicator. Man, Star Trek technology would be fantastic, wouldn’t it? I’d have been just like Barclay all day every day nigga! I’ve got a problem, I’m wrong because I’m in Holodeck 2 fucking Stephanie McMahon, Mariah Carey, that bitch from G4, slave Leia, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Rabbit, Akane Tendo, Smithers, Poochie, Awesome Kong, tweaker yak with the cans from across the way, Sandra Bullock, Marisa Tomei, Clarissa from Clarissa Explains It All, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Summer Glau, Unibrow, that blond bitch that was in that movie that had Unibrow, ho from Fringe, pre-AIDZ Lita, Meg Ryan from 15 years ago, and Santina Marella? THEN I DON’T WANT TO BE RIGHT GODDAMNIT. Plus, getting over on Janeway, that faggot ass Chakotay and stodgy ass Tuvok = PRICELESS. Fucking Tuvok. There’s no Africa on Vulcan!

Here’s the problem with Africa – monkeys. No, I don’t mean black people of course. Stixxy ain’t no self-hatin negro. I’m talking about those helper monkeys… I’m looking at you Mojo. Who did you ever beat? You want to help? Run to the store and get me some beer. With my Visa. Until you can do that, you are assed out son. Like my supposed son in Alberta. That’s MEGALULZ right there. But my friends, that’s a story for another time.

And, after a time… the toaster was done. I came back into the kitchen… and… the shit was burnt. FOR THE AFFECTION OF YOUR DEITY OF CHOICE! But hey, fine… I’m a company guy. I swallow the bitter pill. I’ll eat this burned ass bullshit. I go to the fridge, after finishing my tenth beer, and… no butter.

No butter.

No butter.

NO MUTHAFUCKIN BUTTER.

Long story short, I ate a burned hamburger bun with BBQ sauce.