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Thread: The Official NPP Movie Review Thread

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    Batman & Robin (1997)

    So how come there are no Batnipples on Silverstone's suit?

    The Cast
    Arnold Schwarzenegger .... Mr. Freeze/Dr. Victor Fries
    George Clooney .... Batman/Bruce Wayne
    Chris O'Donnell .... Robin/Dick Grayson
    Uma Thurman .... Poison Ivy/Dr. Pamela Isley
    Alicia Silverstone .... Batgirl/Barbara Wilson
    Michael Gough .... Alfred Pennyworth
    Pat Hingle .... Commissioner Gordon
    John Glover .... Doctor Jason Woodrue
    Elle Macpherson .... Julie Madison
    Vivica A. Fox .... Ms. B. Haven
    Jeep Swenson .... Bane

    Sweet merciful crap, this is a terrible, terrible movie. I hadn't seen it since that fateful summer of '97, when my uncle gave me the free passes he won to check it out in the theatre. I was thinking to myself, immediately after losing a bet with someone to watch and review it, "It couldn't be that bad, could it?" It's actually much worse than I remembered. It is so bad, that you cannot even appreciate it as a B-movie. Joel Schumacher directed it - and I use that term loosely - because it comes across more like one of the movies Dr. Forrester inflicted upon poor Mike & Joel on Mystery Science Theater 3000, but with no snarky commentary.

    The plot is as thin as ice and as contrived as, oh god, I have no idea. This movie nearly beat me, nearly sucked my will to review, because I foolishly watched it stone cold sober. The next time I watch this movie will be when Hell freezes over, or to have a drunken commentary recording session. I have no idea how Clooney managed to still be a legitimate actor in Hollywood after this movie was released. Not to mention Uma, after this and then the crap that I heard The Avengers was. The rest of the cast, well, meh.

    Basically, if you're a fan of Batman Begins, this movie will make you want to murder someone. If it's not the worst comic book movie ever made, it's certainly Top.. er... Bottom Five. Maybe someday, when I'm feeling particularly self-destructive or have an extreme case of self-loathing, I'll sit down and watch it again, with a notepad in front of me, to take detailed notes of all the atrocities that I view. Then I will stab out my eyes with an icepick so's that no one can ever inflict this torture upon me again.

    It's like Schumacher watched Batman: The Movie and thought to himself "I know, I'll make them gayer," not knowing that most of the comic book industry held that movie and subsequent TV series in ill regard. There is no logic to anything in this movie, other than to potentially sell more merchandise. With a Batman credit card. Sweet fucking polar bear on an iceberg, Batman had a GODDAMNED CREDIT CARD WITH HIS NAME AS "BATMAN FOREVER" ON IT! That made me weep for the future of B-movies everywhere, because now corporations will throw their name on any shit movie, no matter how utterly crappy the movie looks like it's going to be. And when Schwarzenegger is cast as Mr. Freeze, you have to know it's going to be shit. Was Patrick Stewart not available?

    Ugh. Plotholes you could shove the Batcave through, like when Alfred (Gough) is dying from MacGregor's Syndrome (WTF?!?!), and he entrusts his niece, Barbara (Silverstone), to send a message to his long-lost brother about taking over his position when Alfred dies. Of COURSE she's going to read it, and of COURSE she's going to go down to the Batcave. But Alfred cares so much for her well-being that he's fashioned her a Batgirl suit so she can go fight crime WITHOUT ANY TRAINING WHATSOVER! & Batman is okay with this, instead of just beating the living fuck out of her & his snivelling ward, Dick. I could go on & on & on but it pains me deep inside my cold heart to do it. This movie makes me welcome death.

    I was almost going to give it a half point, for Uma's usage of the old bad guy standby "CURSES!" when her plans were foiled. But then they fucked that up by making me cringe, listening to Ahnuld say "Dake dwo of dese & call meh in the mahning." I was also going to give another half point for using Doctor Jason Woodrue in the movie, because eventually he becomes The Floronic Man in the comic books. But they fucked that up by having him, oh I dunno, DIE. Not that The Floronic Man would've put asses in the seats or anything. If you don't know why this movie is terribly shit, go ahead, watch it for yourself. Never, EVAR again for this guy.

    0 / 5

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    Wow - it's been that long since Batman & Robin? Really doesn't feel like it.

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    slaptastic78 is offline Banned for letting Juices World use his account
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    I remember getting well hard over Poison Ivy.

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    I took my first girlfriend on our first date to see Batman & Robin. It really set the tone for the relationship.
    Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of content in your post.

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    That's a pretty long review for such a shitty shitty movie.

    My dream casting job for Mr. Freeze was Ben Kingsley.

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    Ormie's Avatar
    Ormie is offline Since the 80's has been down with the ladies
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    I keep thinking this is The Office thread. I give Skootch's thread titling 0/5
    VP of Team Remod Ormie 2013
    Quote Originally Posted by manbooba View Post
    Show me a recipe that calls for an 1/8th of a can of anything and I'll admit that I lost an arguement to Ormie.


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    Way to read, No-Read.

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    Ormie is offline Since the 80's has been down with the ladies
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    I see "The Offic" and since it's premiere night of The Office and the thread at the old place was "The Office" and the movie review thread was called "The New Movie Review Thread", it was logical to assume.
    VP of Team Remod Ormie 2013
    Quote Originally Posted by manbooba View Post
    Show me a recipe that calls for an 1/8th of a can of anything and I'll admit that I lost an arguement to Ormie.


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    manbooba is offline Willing to humiliate himself for the internet until his wife finds out
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    Shouldn't it technically be called The NEW New Movie Review Thread?

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    Ormie is offline Since the 80's has been down with the ladies
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    Manbooba for Skootch Thread Renamer!
    VP of Team Remod Ormie 2013
    Quote Originally Posted by manbooba View Post
    Show me a recipe that calls for an 1/8th of a can of anything and I'll admit that I lost an arguement to Ormie.


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    Quote Originally Posted by manbooba View Post
    Shouldn't it technically be called The NEW New Movie Review Thread?
    There has never been an old movie Review thread here at NPP, so technically, no.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ormie View Post
    I see "The Offic" and since it's premiere night of The Office and the thread at the old place was "The Office" and the movie review thread was called "The New Movie Review Thread", it was logical to assume.
    So you stop reading after nine characters? Perhaps we should title every thread "The Official" something or other so you can pointlessly bitch about the thread not being about The Office.

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    I can only assume that Manbooba is manboobs' Indian relative.

  13. #13
    Vernitis's Avatar
    Vernitis is offline I depend on cynicism and negativity to get through life
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kendergardener View Post
    I can only assume that Manbooba is manboobs' Indian relative.
    Danceswithboobs, not to be confused with Feef Leaf.

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    Vernitis's Avatar
    Vernitis is offline I depend on cynicism and negativity to get through life
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    I just bought Knocked Up at Costco so I could save $6 on Parenthood. I watched the movie this afternoon. It was very funny. I laughed at many parts even though it dragged toward the end. I was disgusted to learn what a vagina looks like. The end.

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    JoeyAt75 is offline Only if the 11-year-old is mature enough
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    They only look like that when a baby is coming out or my dick is going in, otherwise they tend to be pretty. Don't smell em though.

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    Vern, did you pick up the Special Edition? That second disc is GLORIOUS.

  17. #17
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    manbooba is offline Willing to humiliate himself for the internet until his wife finds out
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skooch View Post
    There has never been an old movie Review thread here at NPP, so technically, no.
    But when the archives are brought over, we will have a New Movie Thread here as well. I don't think the world is ready for a Movie Thread vs. Movie Thread Main Event. The board is too new, it can not handle the destrusticity.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kisses View Post
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    Hence the NPP in the title. NO CONFUSION THEN GODDAMMIT.

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    Zodiac: ***1/2

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    Superbad ****.

    The funny bits were hilarious and I'm glad it relied on mostly dialogue-based humour. However, it did slow down a bit at times, which I film like this could do without. Some of the "rants" were trying too hard and the ending is a cliche, but I enjoyed it.

    For rewatchability, it's up there, but it's not really a classic of the genre.

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