RAW is BECAUSE FALLOUT 3, THAT’S WHY OKAY for 1/19!

First we start off with a quick little video package for Martin Luther King Jr., complete with Obama cameo. That was nice. Then we get a video recap of the whole “Vince gives away money then has lights fall on him and then disappears” thing. Then the show opens.

We start off with a 6-man battle royale with Royal Rumble rules in effect. Wrestling are Randy Orton (Today’s message from the voices: How weird is it that Garth fucking Brooks of all people owned that HBO concert?), Kofi Kingston, Kane, Santino Marella (Lawler informs us “HE HAS A UNIBROW!”, which… yes, JR, thank you), Cody Rhodes, and TDJ, who is back as of last week and in Legacy.

So, it’s mini-Rumble time. Legacy teams up to eliminate Santino, then TDJ and Cody take Kofi out. Kane eliminates Cody and flings TDJ over, but Ted grabs the ropes and recovers himself. Kane goes for Randy and sends him over, but Randy struggles. Ted, now recovered, launches himself at Kane from behind, taking himself out along with Kane. Only one of Randy’s feet touches the bottom, so RANDY WINS. Yay Orton! Yay Legacy? I dunno. Commercials.

Cole and Lawler inform us that we are in Chicago, which is the home of Obama and also CM Punk. No, really, it actually was that much of a non-sequitur.

MATCH TIME! Kelly Kelly v. Beth Phoenix. Beth squashes Kelly in less time than it takes you to read this.

Backstage, Randy sells “if I win the Rumble, we all win” to his stable. They buy this, because they are sorta dumb. Cody tells Randy that Sim and Manu were in Steph’s office, and the rumor is that Steph’s gonna fire Randy. Commercials!

Okay, so apparently they gave Bush the WWE championship. No, seriously, they show pictures and everything. THE CHAMP IS… leaving office!

Backstage, Santino catches up to Beth and congratulates his sweetie. He has a surprise present for her! It’s Rosa Mendez! Santino has hired her as an intern. They can do that? Beth is unsure. Rosa says she’ll do whatever Beth wants. Hot. Santino says PLEEEEEEEEEAASE? CAN WE KEEP HER? Beth says she’ll think about it. Santino tells Rosa he has an idea for how she can impress Beth tonight.

In Steph’s office, Randy comes up to suck up to save his job. Steph calls him out for sucking up, says she’s not firing him and kicks him out of her office. Randy takes offense at the “sucking up” part and gets all in her face, saying Vince is gonna fire her, and that nobody respects her, and she only has her job because of her daddy, and everybody laughs at her behind her back, and without her dad she’d be a nobody. Steph slaps him but still does not fire him. Commercials.

MATCH TIME! Punk v. Regal in a No-DQ match for the Intercontinental Championship. HUGE FUCKING POP for hometown boy CM Punk, who comes out wrapped in the Chicago flag (yes, Chicago has its own flag) just to rev up the crowd that much more. Regal gets the shit booed out of him, naturally. Punk and Regal start off grappling back and forth as the crowd goes apeshit, which is going to continue pretty much all match long so take it for granted that I’m telling you about how they’re screaming and everything. Punk takes early control so Regal retreats outside of the ring, which works for him no better than being in the ring did. Punk kicks his ass and rolls him back in the ring for three 2 counts in a row. We go to commercials with Punk holding Regal in a submission hold.

We’re back with Punk holding Regal in a DIFFERENT submission hold. Layla manages to break it up (no DQ, remember), and Regal goes ringside and then pulls Punk off the ring so he hits his head. Owww. Now it’s Regal in control but he doesn’t take the opportunity to pull heinous shit ringside, instead taking it back in the ring for mostly legal moves. Punk endures this for a while before starting to get some offense in. We go back and forth, with Regal charging in only to get roundhouse kicked in the face, then Punk hitting a running kneelift, and then he goes for a bulldog but nope, Regal slams him down headfirst. Regal back in control headbutts Punk and then takes him top rope. Punk kicks him off the top rope and then jumps at Regal, who dodges. As Punk gets up, Regal goes for a running kick, which Punk dodges. Punk picks up Regal! Regal hits him in the head again and again, trying to break, but… nope! GTS! 1! 2! 3! PUNK WINS PUNK WINS PUNK WINS AND IS NEEEEEEEEEEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION! Crowd goes fucking nuts. Yay Punk! Punk flips out in the ring and celebrates with all the fans, which is a nice moment for him. They don’t cut away for a long time, which is also nice. Punk gets up on the security barrier and celebrates with his fans, then takes a victory lap all along ringside before finally leaving.

Broke Shawn storyline video recap. The Shawn/Cena match last week was quite excellent. We go to commercials.

Lawler is in the ring to officiate the JBL/Cena contract signing. Contract signings suck, the only question is who puts who through the table. Just sayin’. They sign. They talk tough at each other. Nobody cares. Cena makes an appeal to Shawn to become the kick-ass awesome motherfucker he used to be, which is actually interesting and Cena sells the appeal pretty damn well, too. JBL’s all “money money money blah blah blah” until Shawn finally, FINALLY yells “SHUT UP!!!” and takes the mic. He knows he’s taking money from JBL, who fucking sucks and makes him fucking suck by association, but so be it. He needs the money. Awww, poor Shawn. Cena says that at the Rumble, there’s going to be a moment when Shawn Michaels has a choice, and he hopes he makes the right choice. Shawn is sorry Cena feels that way. The inevitable brawl then starts, with JBL laying out Cena. Then JBL and HBK leave. Hey! You two get back in the ring right this instant and put Cena through the table! No fair! Commercials. Awww, no table spot? That sucks.

Rey enters for a match, but we cut backstage so Todd can interview Mike Knox. He’s got nothing against Rey and doesn’t really know why he keeps attacking him. Um? Good to get that cleared up? Mike, by the way, instantly joins Beth Phoenix in the “really physically imposing, really harmless-sounding voice” club. Mike then enters, so it’s Mike Knox v. Rey Mysterio. Mike kicks the shit out of Rey, including a pretty neat spot where Rey tries to 619 him and Mike just catches Rey and throws him up into the ropes. Rey’s in the corner and Mike stomps the shit out of him until the ref has had enough brutality and calls the DQ, not that it stops the beating or anything. Eventually Mike stops. Good thing, too! We almost had two decent matches on one show!

Back in Steph’s office, Jericho is in there. She kicks him out, as she’d fired him last week. Jericho says nope, he went crying to Vince and Vince is going to give him an appeal tonight when he arrives. Having said his piece, Jericho leaves and we go to commercials.

After a SmackDown rebound (Jeff Hardy got fireworks shot off into his face! DAAAAMN!), Mizorrison are in the ring. I’m jealous. They want to commemorate the Royal Rumble by beating up the winner of the first Royal Rumble, Hacksaw Jim Duggan. So Duggan, pick a partner and get your ass out here, and
YO YO YO YO, IT’S CRYME TYME! BROOKLYN BROOKLYN! Crowd goes nuts! YOYOYOYOYOYOYOYO! YO! YOOOOOOO! Cryme Tyme has sent Duggan on “special assignment”, so he won’t be here tonight. Shad says it’s historical times for them, since today is MLK day and tomorrow their boy Obama gets sworn in as President. Chicago pops like crazy for Obama. Shocking, I know! Miz: “I’m Republican.” Shad, right back: “That’s too bad for you.” HA! So, Cryme Tyme wants a title match. Morrison says they don’t deserve one, they’re worse than the Cubs. CHEAP HEAT! But it works. JTG calls Morrison a silly white boy, and makes an offer: A match, right now. Cryme Tyme wins, they get a title shot. They lose, they promise to stop bugging Mizorrison. Mizorrison says that’s fine, since “when it comes to beating you two… YES! WE! CAN!” Big heat from the crowd for that one.

MATCH TIME! Mizorrison v. Cryme Tyme. Shad and Morrison start off, and Morrison is in control for a very small bit until he clears off JTG, which distracts him and now it’s Shad in control. Shad clears off Miz, which does not distract him, because Cryme Tyme is awesome. The hurting continues for a few more moves and then with the ref distracted checking on Morrison, Miz hits the ropes and cheap shots Shad. Morrison goes for some bouncing-off-the-bottom-rope flippy move, but with the ref now distracted shooing away Miz, he doesn’t see JTG interfere with Morrison, who ends up flat on his back. Shad slams the fuck out of Morrison, JTG goes and hits Miz so he can’t interfere, and that’s good for three. Cryme Tyme wins themselves a title shot! Yaaaaaaay! We go to commercials.

Backstage, Cody wants to know why he should take advice from Mickie, who sasses him that she’s been Women’s Champ 4 times and walks off. Golddust is there now and he offers Cody a “Best of Starcade” DVD because he can get good advice off of it. Golddust is the world’s creepiest Best Buy associate.

A limo is pulling up outside! OH MAN IT’S A LIMO YOU GUYS THIS IS TENSE TELEVISION oh whew they went to commercials good thing I couldn’t breathe for a second there.

Oh God, we’re back and Jillian is wailing. I can’t even tell what she’s supposed to be singing, who cares. Melina then enters and they start a match, but let’s be real here, it’s gonna last two seconds and then Rosa is gonna run in to impress Beth. Sure enough, it lasts two seconds and then… Santino, Rosa, and Beth all enter! Huh, I was close. In the ring, some terrible wrestling is going on. Melina wins about a minute later. After the match, Santino whispers to Rosa and she charges Melina. Beth takes the opportunity, clears out Rosa, and ruins Melina’s shit.

Backstage, Dolph Ziggler is telling Candice that if he wins the Rumble (yeah, not happening, Nicky), the whole world will know his name. Just then, !!!VINCE!!! walks up and shakes Dolph’s hand, introducing himself with “Hi, I’m Vince McMahon.” Dolph is flabberghasted and rendered speechless, and thus it came to pass that Vince caused Dolph to miss an opportunity to introduce himself for the first time in his entire life. That was pretty funny. Commercials.

NO CHANCE! The crowd actually pops for Vince and he swaggers his way down the ramp. Hi Vince, welcome back! Please tell Steph to suck less and also never hire Adamle again and also I want a pony. Vince says he’s happy to be back and the crowd is obviously happy to see him back, but it’s time for business, so let’s take care of business. First up is Jericho, who’s coming out to whine. HUGE heat for Jericho. Jericho and Vince compliment each other’s suits. Jericho: blah blah blah I’m awesome rehire me and put me back in the Rumble. Vince wants to know if Jericho really thinks Steph has made no progress as RAW GM. Jericho thinks she’s regressed and is more of a spoiled little princess than ever. Vince takes that as a cue to bring Steph out so she can get her say in. Hi Steph! How’s HHH? Tell him to come back to RAW and bring Edge and Vickie with him, please!

Steph doesn’t get to talk, but Vince does. He’s not going to reinstate Jericho and he’s not going to fire Steph — in fact, they’re gonna be RAW co-GMs! But since the McMahons have a reputation for benevolence, Vince is going to give Steph the opportunity to let Jericho back in. Oooh, Vince is back 2 minutes and already with the mind games. Steph stalks all around Jericho and then just tells him to apologize. Jericho mumbles an apology, which Steph deems not good enough. This time Jericho enunciates his apology properly, which Steph says is still not good enough. This time Jericho does a full grade school apology, where he states all the bad things he did and says he knows that they were wrong and he’s very sorry. Steph says nope, not good enough. To twist the knife even more, she’s going to make him apologize to the people he’s denigrated all these months, the people he thinks he’s so much better than… the fans. And the crowd, this awesome, awesome crowd, upon hearing this, starts a deafening ON YOUR KNEES chant at Jericho. Jericho and Steph do some very good improv work reacting to this, with Jericho looking over all “do I seriously have to” and Steph, clearly loving this development, motioning down to the mat all “fuck yes you do”. So Jericho slowly, grudingly, seething with rage, takes a knee. And then both knees. He starts off by trying to explain himself. See, he has a gift, and while it may seem like he’s being arrogant and he thinks that he’s better than everyone else, but… at this point he gives up. He knows he’s said a lot of mean things, but if he’s said anything to offend any of us, he apologizes. FUCK. YES. AWESOME. Steph: “Get off your knees, Chris. This is embarassing.” Yes it is, that’s why it fucking owns. Steph gives Jericho his job back and orders him to walk out of the ring so the fans can hurl abuse at him all the way out. Vince says that Steph is still daddy’s little girl, and gives her a big hug. Awww, nice way to end the show.

But wait! As Jericho leaves, though, who should enter but Randy Orton? Orton, you see, has some grievances of his own. Randy slags off on Steph hardcore, going so far as to say that since Steph popped out some grandkids for Vince, she’s become essentially worthless. OH FUCK NO HE DIDN’T. That’s too far even for Vince, who has Steph leave. Vince says he made Bob Orton a superstar and he made Randy Orton too, and then orders Randy to apologize. Randy won’t. Apologize, or else. Randy won’t. Apologize, or you’re fired. Randy. Won’t. RANDY ORTON? YOU’RE — Randy punches him down. And then with Vince on his knees, RANDY ORTON MOTHERFUCKING CUNT PUNTS VINCE MCMAHON HOLY SHIT. Replays show that it was an extremely stiff punt, too. Steph hits the ring, screaming for EMTs and for her father to say something to her, anything. Randy leans against the ropes with a total “oh holy fuck what did I just do” look on his face. As the EMTs enter with a board for Vince, the rest of Legacy enters and talks Randy down, leading him out of the ring and backstage. We go to black with Vince being put on the board and Steph wailing for her daddy.

Well! See you in six months, Vince!